Whispers.

AbraCadabra, Vanish!

2012-01-17T11:04:00.002+08:00

I had this realisation last night. Where I was talking to a guy I am dating, and I found myself talking honestly and very bluntly. And all he did was kept quiet, I had a sudden thought of; maybe all my past relationships didn't work because I have no filter to what I say.

All these time I thought I've been dating jerks, but in reality, it could be me. The cause of all failures could be me - the girl who doesn't know how to filter her thoughts and watch what she says.

I am sorry, for all the wrongs I've done, and all the things I've said.

I truly am.

This is exactly why I want to disappear a long time ago.

This is exactly why I don't think I'm going to end up happy.

This is exactly why I'd rather keep my thoughts and emotions to myself.

I've got to learn how to let things go along its own course.

I've got to shut up.

Maybe I've got to just ....... vanish.

A Girl You Should Date, by Rosemarie Urquico.

2012-01-10T16:27:00.001+08:00

Something of the total opposite of what I shared earlier. I am so glad somebody did a reply :)

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

I am chubbeh

2012-01-06T15:25:00.001+08:00

I really don't think being fat is a bad thing.

Therefore, I don't mind being fat and being friends with people who are on the chubby side. But it annoys me when people who are thin says that they're fat. It just gets on my nerves. (Kishi, this is for you, you're not fat so shut up)

Bullshit, this is.

2012-01-04T15:22:00.002+08:00

I hate it when people tell me that it's weird that I'm dating somebody.

Why?

Am I too fucked up to date now?

Is it wrong for me to go out with a guy that I actually like talking to, even though you know who that guy is?

Do I have to go out with guys that does not cross paths with my circle of friends and family?

Fuck this shit.

I have done so many things for so many people, but in the end, it's about their happiness, not mine. "I want my happiness, too." Don't you think that's exactly what I'm looking for?

Yes, I know, I said I didn't want a committed relationship just yet, but is it wrong for me to go out and enjoy a person's company? What more a person that I can talk to, intellectually, stupidly, jokingly?

A person who knows how to make me laugh, pissed and touched at the same time?

Fuck other people and their feelings/opinions/thoughts about me dating.

I live for myself, not for anybody else.

Fuck you and "you're complicated/confused" bullshit.

I know how to live my life just as much as you do.

Mengapa.

2011-12-27T13:27:00.002+08:00

Dikala hati berduka lara, air mata menjadi senjata.

Dikala hati bersuka ria, mengapa tidak kedengaran gelak dan tawa?

Masihkah hati terasa duka?

Seringkali terjadi, apa yg terbuku di hati.

Disimpan sampai mati.

Lumrah manusia egois, bukan?

Luluh jiwa, runtuh harapan.

Apakah sukar untuk berikan peluang pada perasaan?

Egois. Bodoh.

Nutcase.

2011-12-19T17:29:00.000+08:00

At first I thought that everything will go well, everything will run oh so smoothly. But, I guess I expected too much out of life.

I don’t know what I did – until people can walk in and out of my life, trampling over my soul, my kindness and repaying me with hopeful promises and hurtful actions. I don’t think anybody deserve that kind of treatment.

So yeah.

2011-12-08T12:48:00.002+08:00

Emotional whirlwind, psychological tornadoes, and physical extremes.

Basically its a summary of what I've been through these past couple of months.

I was in a relationship, I broke it off, I'm single, again in a relationship, again it didn't work out. My brain is on overdrive since I can't stop thinking about work, and my body? I've been pushing it too far with all the work that I've to deal with.

Sometimes I wonder, what is it in life that we work so hard to achieve? Success? Contentment? Happiness? I get lost in finding my own goal in life. I don't see ahead anymore, I just move forward. You know, like one of those programmed autobots that's designed to go straight and just that? Yeah, I'm currently like that.

I feel like I need to write more, read more. But because of my job, my brain goes dead. I write for money now, not passion. I hate that fact. I love words, I love literature of any kind, but why did I stop doing all that. Look at what I've become. Weighted shoulders, dragging feet, like the whole world's responsibilities is for me to bear, for me to meet.

I can't stop whining now. I mean, in my blog. In real life I'm soulless. Really, I am. I find entertainment on the net, and the solitude of being with friends. That's it.

Maybe I'm at a point in life where everything is monotonous. Boring. Bland.

Guess I just have to get off my ass and do something about it, huh?

Uhm

2011-10-11T15:33:00.001+08:00

I realised that this space needs more pictures.

I need to take more photos.

And I need new experiences.

I just want to live my life.

Maybe I should move to a whole new page.

Start fresh.

WordPress anyone?

Please.

2011-10-09T20:25:00.001+08:00

Please, just please.

Leave me alone and don't waste my time.

I'm hurt enough.

Hey.

2011-10-04T17:37:00.001+08:00

"that is why i ckp blah je. nobody is good by genetic its always by experience, confidence and smartness."

"just leave if ur not happy u have much potential dont waste it."

Thank you.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Motherfuckin' Monster

2011-10-04T10:48:00.003+08:00

You drink down the bottles,

Of indifference to stress.

We all need our escape, to get our mind off this reality we call life. But however hard we try, we can't seem to. We get going, we drink, we smoke, we dream, we sleep, we cry, we play, we give up. Nothing seems to be working. We just stay in it. This reality, this universe.

I have no clue why lately I've been doing everything wrong. At least I feel like its wrong. From my point of view, from others, I have no clue. I really don't want to know anyway. I feel like leaving this place and move to another. I can't help but to feel invisible and a pushover.

All the breakdowns I've had just made me feel I can do better, I can become something better. I'm sorry, if you broke me, that just made my ego bigger, stronger, more resilient. I am not someone you would want to push around. I am not someone you would want to mess around with. I am not someone you would want to disappoint. I am not someone you can see as fragile. I have my moments, and if so happens that I burst, you better watch your back.

I'll be as cold as ice, I'll be as mean as a bully. I'll be as destructive as TNT. Don't push your luck, I'm tolerant when I want to be, right up until my limits, and I'm done with you.

Fuck it, I'm here to live my life. I don't care if suddenly I start behaving like a bitch, you saw it coming. Don't tell me I didn't warn you.

Memory Lane, Again.

2011-09-23T09:55:00.004+08:00

This was what went through my head last night. I just had the urge to write it all down before I forgot about it.

Mr Good Looking, you meant a lot to me, once upon a time. Well, you still mean a lot.

You were sarcastic, caring, strict, loving, cuddly, good looking and egoistic. I have no idea why we didn’t work out. Probably it was for the best. I miss you sometimes. When I think about the times you would come over to my place all the way from Sepang. Just to share a couple of smokes with me. You would drive all the way to take me out for dinner eventhough you weren’t feeling well just to make sure I ate. You would drop by my office during lunch, just cause I asked you to. You held my hand and kissed it when you drive. Everytime you drove. You missed that once, and you texted me with a sad face, telling me that you didn’t get to kiss my hands.

How can I not fall for you? Tell me. You surprised me with a book from my favourite author! When I went to the loo and came back, there it was, the little blue book and ice cream. You picked me up from work once eventhough you were in KL and I was in Kepong. Quite far of a trip considering the traffic.

We exchanged I love yous.

But I guess something changed your mind. Something in your heart triggered, something in mine too. We parted, but the memories are seared on to my brain, my heart. I won’t forget the nights we spent watching movies, cuddling, having McD takeouts.

I won’t forget you. Not ever.

Honest to boot

2011-09-22T16:19:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I don't know why I bother writing. Some people may find it offensive, and I just come off as an emotional bitch. But hey, I'm only human. I do everything everybody does. I curse, I cry, I get hurt, I give up, I try. Life goes on, whatever I write is basically what goes through my mind. I don't really let out my emotions - really deep emotions, whenever I write. But fuck it, I can write whatever fuck I want. Its just a way for me to express. I'm just being me.

So here goes, after my "Walking Down Memory Lane" post. I had an inkling that Mr Goodlooking read it. And if my guess is right, he tweeted about him being scolded through a blog. Well, any sane people would see that I was just reminiscing whatever that is left of me and him. I don't hold grudges, at least I don't show it. I'd rather keep it to myself. Why would I expose the fragile part of myself and make myself look vulnerable?

Well, he has his freedom of speech, I have mine. I don't want to judge, but I guess he took my post too seriously and read it in a negative connotation, I wouldn't know.

I'm in love with words. I really am, but whenever there's a negative feedback on my writing, I tend to take into account and try and improve. There's no way in hell anybody can make me change the way I write. I've grown to realise the best way to be happy about yourself is when you stop thinking about others.

My oh my, look how am I now.

All grown up. *pukes*

NEXT!

2011-09-21T13:57:00.001+08:00

Singapore - next career move?

Sounds tempting.

"Oh, hello. I'm a copywriter based in Singapore"

Says my imagination to my curiosity.

Walking down memory lane.

2011-09-15T10:54:00.002+08:00

Hello there. Today I would like to let out everything that Mr. Goodlooking and I did. I think it's good that I finally want to talk about it, and let it out. I know that after this post, I won't dwell in the past anymore, because tonight is going to change everything. ;)

I didn't how we could connect and go out and have supper and his ciggie breaks. It started off with just BBMing, and it didn't stop. We would continue until late, and sleep, waking up to a new BBM message waiting to be read. It went on for a couple of weeks, until he finally asked me out, for a casual hang out. I didn't immediately say yes, because apart from BBMs and Twitter conversations, we never really spoke to each other in real life. So yeah, one day I decided to go for supper with him. He was charming enough to pick me up, but a total pain in the ass when he started teasing me during supper. I didn't mind though, it eases the awkwardness. That night when we hung out for supper, was the first time we spoke to each other, on the phone and face to face. I still remember it, still fresh, the memories.

Then all the stories came out, he asked me about his ex, I told him about mine. We shared opinions on a lot of things. We debated, we agreed, we bickered, we talked. True enough this "thing" we had, ended all too soon. But, I had foreseen it coming, so I took the matter very calmly. I freaked for a bit, then I started to miss him, but I didn't look back. Except for this one time, I was stupid or dumb, I don't know, I texted him saying that I missed him. Oh my, stupid I was. But I was glad I said it out loud. At least I know I'm not the egoistic one.

Mr Goodlooking and I lasted less than half a year, a few months, mind you, but it was one of the most emotional non-relationships I've ever had. EVER. It meant a lot to me. Still means a lot.

Anyhoo, things ended quite surprisingly fast. There's these few weeks I've been busy at work and at home, and whenever he calls me, I never seem to be available. And he made a big deal out of that, he told me I was coming up with excuses and such. And at that time, I was agitated. I didn't even want to go on. So I said, okay, I'm leaving, whatever you want. And that was it for me. I don't mind being friends with him, but anything more than that, I can't see it happen.

His text said that "I deserve someone better" and in deep honesty, I really think I do. Because whatever I did for him, seem to never be enough. I had no idea how to make him happy. We cuddled, watched a movie, and stuff like that, but I can never make him happy fully. I don't think its fair too, is what I told him. I knew it won't work, I elaborated more. And he said, "whatever we are, its not fair". Yeah, I know, stupid I was.

He once said he wants me to be his "girl". Whatever fuck that meant. I was touched, and honoured, but whenever I screwed something up unintentionally, he would go mental, I try to do whatever to please him, until I really couldn't take it, I decided. Once and for all.

I still remember asking him when we were simply watching TV;

Me: "You sayang I tak?" (Do you love me?)

Him: "Sayang la, why?" (I do, why?)

Me: "Good, because I'm gonna break your heart" *without looking at his face*

Him: *turns to face me* "huh? apa you cakap ni?" (huh? what are you talking about?)

Me: "I'm kidding la baby" *Smiles and kissed his forehead*

Him: "Mengarut je" (You're talking crap now) *calms down*

In the end, I think he broke mine (my heart), but moving on, I am relieved to break free somehow. I'm being honest to boot, really. It ended, whatever "it" was. And I'm okay with it. :)

Writing this down made me feel better, a whole lot better. But to share all the memories I shared with him, will be painful, so I just shared whatever I think is necessary. Goodbye Mr. Goodlooking, I wish you the best in life and I pray that you will find somebody that can make you truly happy. If you are getting married someday, don't hesitate to invite me. LOL

Tomorrow.

2011-09-14T15:45:00.003+08:00

Is what we all look forward to.

I'm on facebook and twitter detox. Its been a week, couldn't be happier about it.

I need sleep. I need rest. I need love. I need hugs. I need cuddles.

I'm not the same Hannah you used to know, no I'm not.

Trust me on this.

...

2011-09-11T18:32:00.001+08:00

I actually think that my English and writing is getting crappier. I need to read more. Sigh.

How to read when all I do is going to the office and drowning in the workload?

Fuck.

Lifeless.

2011-09-11T18:17:00.001+08:00

At the office. On Sunday. 6.30pm. Still here.

Omg you can kill me now.

Word Vomit.

2011-09-08T14:29:00.004+08:00

My Blackberry is testing my patience. Sigh. Soon iPhone, soon.

Okay that was random.

Hi there!

It's been a while, well duh, I wrote that in the previous post, way to go, stupid! *scolds myself*

That's how haywire I am now. I keep on talking to myself. Mumbling, giggling, as though somebody is talking to me, when its just my thoughts running around, tripping, jumping, falling.

I am way too tired of work, but you gotta do what you gotta do right?

Ohhh, did I tell you that 1st September was my birthday? Teeeheee. This year I can honestly tell you that I feel loved.

I went for a shopping frenzy! 5 tops, a zippo, a skirt and a purse.

AND

Sharawy bought me a baby G watch, 2 Arsenal Jerseys and a pair of Converse shoes.

My sister bought me a bag.

My sis in law got me cute undies. ;)

BUT

the best part of all - wait for it - my parents got me a present for my Diploma/Degree/First Job present - a MICHAEL KORS watch! the one I really wanted.

See what I mean when I said I feel loved? Teeeheeee.

That wraps up my birthday update. Here comes my whines and nags, be prepared.

Oh, I forgot, Mr Goodlooking and I are over. He decided "I deserve better". I guess I really do, after all that he's done to me. I mean, I still miss him, but I guess I'm insignificant in his life, so yeah, time to move on. I really don't mind.

I'm in my 4th month of working. I really dread mornings, but when I was on holiday, I miss my colleagues. Weird, I know. But I've grown attached to them somehow. Work is really crazy now. I'm supposed to come up with a couple of headlines as of now, but I feel like blogging. So I better blog before I lose what I wanted to write about. Work can wait. (as if - I'll be freaking out in a few minutes fyi)

I have a feeling that since I'm working now, people tend to ignore me, since I'm so called "independent". People don't ask me how I'm doing, whether or not I want dinner/lunch/breakfast. By people I mean the people I'm staying with - family. I feel so useless, so disconnected. But I can't help it, I'm already off to work when my parents are still snoozing, and come back odd hours, midnight, mostly, when they're too tired to talk or ask me anything. But I feel isolated as well, I'm in an industry that requires me to slave away, without thinking about the hours - just until you get the work done - which will NEVER happen. The stream of work that comes in won't ever stop. Sigh. I think now is the time for me to fly the coop. I need to be on my own, so my parents won't worry about me, they won't have to nag at me whenever I come home late. I just want to be ... away.

Okay I guess I'm getting emotional. I better stop.

Back to life, back to reality, hello there paperwork. Where's my ideas?

Well, Hello there!

2011-09-06T11:07:00.001+08:00

It's been a while.

Blergh

2011-08-05T11:46:00.001+08:00

My heart is beating pretty fast right now. I just sent a text to this person, whom I consider very important in my life. I don’t know what to expect, but whatever it is, I’ve prepared for what’s going to happen. We’ve been on “silent” terms for almost a week now. Can’t even find out why, this person keeps on asking me to be honest, which I did, but nothing comes along well after that.

Ok whatever, enough rambling.

I’ve been working here for 3 months now, and life has never been as hectic. I’ve wanted a holiday since forever. And I’ve been waiting for a night out with my girls, but since we’re all busy with our stuff, work, studies and shit, I just have to wait a little while longer.

I don’t even have time to read anymore.

You know what they say, life happens when you’re busy making other plans? Well yeah, it doesn’t work that way. At least not for me.

Toodles.

2011-07-20T23:00:00.001+08:00

FUCKING TIRED.

This is a story of.....

2011-07-15T10:59:00.002+08:00

.......a nobody.

Have you ever had a night so awesome, but ended with tragic?

Well, this nobody have had tons of them. She's used to it. Every time something good happens to her, she'll tell herself that she'll end up crying in the end. So to avoid being hurt, she stopped enjoying life. She stopped hoping, she stopped expecting. Because for her, that's the stuff that's been hurting her all these while. She stopped trusting people. She only knew herself. She only knew how to avoid.

Avoid being happy, avoid going out with friends, avoid falling in love, avoid having a crush on someone, avoid expecting, avoid hoping, avoid, avoid, avoid. That's all she knew, literally.

She lived her life very cautiously. She went to work, and went home. No time spent on outings, no time spent on self-indulgence. She lived her life alone. The only friends she had, she didn't count on them. She was afraid of being disappointed.

She never felt as though she is worthy of a life, everything she did seemed insufficient. She tried so hard to impress, she tried so hard to make people like her, but those efforts came to no avail. That was then, she decided to live on her own. She would occasionally please everyone around her, and she always helped other people. With not a single thank you as a token of appreciation, she learned that people exists to use other people.

That's life, people will use the weak, the nice, the vulnerable to get to the top, to get what they want. She learned that the hard way, but she knew she was contempt with who she is. She liked helping people. She loved the feeling it gives her.

One day it hit her, though she's contempt with who she is, she knew she would never find genuine happiness. She's not able to settle down and be happy. Find a husband, have kids. No she won't.

After years of being contempt, being an optimist, reserved and quiet, she broke down.

She was found dead, with tear stains still visible on her cheeks, now she is truly contempt, she had finally learned what she had to do, and left.

Pros and Cons

2011-07-08T11:56:00.004+08:00

Some of my pros and cons. Go ahead, you be the judge, that's if you wanna be shallow. :)

Cons:

I’m not the prettiest/hottest/sexiest girl you’ll ever meet
I cannot beat you at video games
I will not automatically know all of your music (unless we have the same exact taste, which is unlikely)
I’m a little bit pudgy, yes, I am.
I will not continually take your shit. If you treat me poorly, I will either let the relationship fizzle or I will cut you off, or I'll most likely treat you the same way.
Get ready for it: If you are rude to me, I will most likely cry. Not because I’m sad, but because I’m angry as fuck.
I am not an exercise goddess. Step off with your work out shit.
I need reassurance sometimes that you actually give a shit
I'm insecure, well, I am a girl.
I am not that girly

Pros:

I will support you no mater what you go through, or what you choose to do. No discrimination
I’m kind, well, generally
I’m a little pudgy, BUT! that means I’ve got curves. And boobs. And ass. ;)
I am independent. I can handle myself, I don’t need to be coddled, except when I'm really upset.
You will never have to wonder how I feel about you, because when I say something, I mean it
I need my ladies’ nights as much as you need your boys’ nights
I can take care of you, I'll cook if I have to. I'll bring meds if you're sick, I'll stay with you until you sleep
I am VERY PATIENT.
I can learn about your music and how to play your video games and I will learn more about your interest, and talk to you about it.

So. That’s me, really. Put up or shut up, I don’t have time to play games anymore.

Lemony Attraction

2011-06-27T16:19:00.002+08:00

Another writing assignment of mine. Purely fictional. And please don't laugh.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Nothing close to comparison of giddiness, when you first set your eyes on a person that makes your heart beast faster, your butterflies in your stomach aflutter. That’s how I first felt when I saw him. He was at the fruit isle where I was working, a grocery shop 5 minutes away from campus.

His hair was jet black, neatly brushed back, he had these glistening brown eyes and heavy eye bags that made him look naturally broody and mysterious. I wondered where he stayed, what did he do, and his voice, oh how I long to hear his voice.

3 months passed, and I realized there was a pattern with him; he comes in every Thursday to buy Lemons, and only lemons. Nothing else. He rarely spoke, but when he did, my whole body just went into autopilot. Silent and robotic. I was that nervous around him. I was convinced he was a chef, mainly because I saw him walking in once in the clothes of a cook. Today, I am determined to talk to him, find out who he was, and ask him about his habitual lemon purchases over the past 3 months.

“Hey, ‘Sup” ohmygod ohmygod. My heart raced.

He looked up and wore a weary smile, and replied “Long day. How about you?”

“Well, nothing better than to waste my time staring at produce and packaging” I found myself saying, and threw a cheeky smile. Why the hell did I just do that? Ohmygod ohmygod.

His eyebrows furrowed, and I thought he didn’t get my reply. Well duh, you talked nonsense, idiot! But then his eyes lit up, though I wasn’t sure what for, but little did I know, my wonder would soon be answered.

“You know, you should smile more, your face just lights up, made my day, thank you very much” And grinned as he took his paper bag and made his way out of the store. I can feel blood rushing to my cheeks. And I found myself saying “Well, thank you, hottie” What the fuck is wrong with me, seriously? I hope he didn’t hear that, aaaargh.

To my horror, he had heard it, he turned back and winked. I nearly died.

After a few weeks of heated cheeks, and flirty conversations, he asked me out. I was ecstatic. My heart was pounding, my thoughts were wandering, and my palms were sweating. You must wonder why am I acting like this, point one, he’s hot. Point two, he’s a cook. Yes, my guess was true, a hottie who can cook, yummy. Point three, probably the most crucial part of all, I AM A GUY. Point four; he will be the FIRST guy I’d date after I came out as somebody who’s homosexual.

Not so much of a guy with balls now am I? Thought so.

……..

I am now into my 6^th month of dating Pete, the man of my dreams. I’ve found out that he buys lemons every Thursday because he made lemon squares for his grandma every Friday. Awwww, such a sweetie, I know, right? I’m so lucky. Who says being gay is taboo? I’m living my life well, with a hottie who’s an expert in the kitchen. I consider myself luckier than the ladies, if you know what I mean.

Maze.

2011-06-27T09:31:00.002+08:00

Today I realized something.......

.......I find myself fiddling with the most insignificant things in front of me. Probably because I always have the urge to look for something, I'm always on a hunt. What am I hunting for, you ask me? I haven't a clue. I feel like I'm looking for something that can change my life. Make it better, somehow. But, in the end, I got lost in the process of looking. Some say I'm looking for love, some say I'm looking for freedom. I say, it could be anything. From reassurance, freedom, space, love, affection, satisfaction, recognition, anything, I tell you!

I just want, NO, I just NEED to find this thing, this vague, partial part that fits my life, that completes my life.

Life is a journey, so I keep on hearing people say. It remains true to this day. But they never told me that life was gonna be a maze. If I was taught that earlier, I think I wouldn't be complaining now. Heck, because I was told life was a journey, I've been planning my future. (Because that's basically what you do before you start your journey, right?) But when your plans fall through, you hit a brick wall. You don't know what to do, you take a few steps back and try out another way, another route. (So it is like a maze, after all!) But you'll never no where the winding paths end, you never know what you might stumble upon.

So now, I can conclude that I am lost, in a maze that I personally call my life. I fiddle with insignificant items, I questions the stupidest questions, I worry about the unnecessary bullshit, I take in a lot of crap from other people, but, I still go on.

Life is a maze, find yourself a way out of your messy thoughts, next thing you know, you're dead. A bit morbid, I know. But its fact, we're only human, we can't run from our problems, we're forever stuck in our own mazes.

We're screwed, but you decide on how you wanna look at life.

2011-06-21T14:16:00.002+08:00

Why does everything have to feel wrong?

I think its the PMS, but I've been feeling worst than ever. I'm just tired of having emotions tied to everything I do.

Why do I have to care?

Why?

Well.

2011-06-20T17:46:00.002+08:00

Another fucking manic Monday.

Was late to work, drove quite fast, weaved through traffic like a mad man. Upon reaching to the office, I was told to quit my job. By someone I kind of expected, but it hurt me still. Though I'm not doing okay, emotionally and mentally, I'm enjoying my job, well, at least trying to. It cut me deep. I've officially graduated with an Honours Degree, and I just worked here for one month, and that said person asked me to "find another job". Mainly because I had to get to work on time, and I get home late.

It is the advertising industry after all, I am in the creative team, after all. We are dedicated robots to the visuals, copy and PC related bullshit. You can't expect me to just up and leave when I finally have a sense of responsibility in my life.

I am trying so hard to make you proud, but there you are, talking to me like this job doesn't even matter to me. Mind you, this is my dream job. I am blessed enough to be granted this post, and with this pay, I won't give in to what you want. Not this time.

I'm sorry if my decision to finally be independent and continuing on to do what I love, what I'm passionate for disappoints you. I'm just sorry.

I need to think about me, once and for all. Selfish now, am I? Yeah. I'm tired of bending over backwards to fit your needs. I need this to reassure myself that this is what I've worked for all my life.

You were happy I got a distinction for my Intern right? I'm asking you to be proud of me this time. I don't want to work like her, under your supervision, under the watchful eye of almost everybody I grew up with. I'm earning enough. I'm contempt enough, so why can't you be contempt for me?

Once, just once, I need your support.

Did you know?

2011-06-16T10:53:00.002+08:00

That I've worked here for almost a month now.

That I've been throwing myself into work so much, I rarely have time to read and write?

That I'm pulling my hair out just to get ideas for ad campaigns?

That I don't know if I'm contempt with how I am now?

That I'm actually thinking of going to Miami Ad School to further my Masters Degree? Only after a month working in an agency?

That I can't afford Miami Ad School?

That I'm a sissy when it comes to handling my emotions?

That I crash on my bed as soon as I get home?

That I work like the energizer bunny if I'm at work?

That I've no idea how to relax anymore?

Sigh.

Sad. :(

2011-06-08T15:58:00.002+08:00

I promise I will write more. I'm so swamped with work, I can't write anything any more. I think I need the time off and find my muse again.

If I have any loyal readers out there, I'm sorry, don't hate me.

Stay with me, okay.

*puppy-dog-eyes*

Writing Assignment #1

2011-06-07T17:47:00.002+08:00

Here's a writing assignment I had to do for my job evaluation. Let me know what you think. HAHAHA. I find it very weird.

A Fruit with Attitude.

I would stand out in the crowd, but what most of you think about me is pretty generic. Who are you to judge me with that limited knowledge of yours? There are selective people who appreciate my curviness, my boldness, my distinctive taste.

I bring life into dull ingredients. I sometimes even become one of the key ingredients to your life! If you think I’m pretty dull, boring and just another lump in the market basket, think again.

Why would Fool’s Garden write a song about my origins? Why would Passion write a song inspired by what I can do, how I can affect people? Yes, I might have a little attitude problem, but that’s what that keeps me interesting, a kick in your mouth, the zing in your taste buds.

Oh Hi, I’m Mandy. I’m yellow, and I come from a family of smooth skin and bumps. I sort of skipped the introductions there, didn’t I? I’m a lemon, a member of the citrus family, no I’m not as vibrant as the orange, and I’m not as exotic as the grapefruit. But listen to this;

I might look average on the outside, like any other fruit in the market. But have you actually seen my insides? I’m juicy, you can tell by just slicing. I have intricate pulps, a juicy flesh, and oh boy I’m full of Vitamins!

Lemons are different from Limes and Oranges, you want to know why? Though we all have that sour bit in our juices, lemons just kicks ass. If you didn’t notice, English folk uses us in their tea, they don’t use oranges. American people drink us during hot summer days, not lime juice. Don’t ask me why we’re oh so fabulous, but we’re just built that way.

Thanks to us, the human kind have been blessed with our acidic features and decided to use us, and our components to make their lives easier, our juice can be used to remove stains on your clothes. The oil that we produce? It’s being used in your perfumes! It is our pleasure to tighten your pores, and bleaching your freckles.

Our essences and flavors now becomes a vital part in the culinary industry, our flavors can be found in poultry dishes, desserts, meat marinating flavors, and to get everything going on? We even can get it on with liquor. Yes, liquor, not liqueur. Us lemons are pretty useful and handy, eh?

See, who says lemons are generic and boring? I say otherwise. We’re the fruit with attitude.

2011-06-06T18:14:00.003+08:00

in that instant, she became infinite with who she is.

she stepped into the icy cold room, with her head held high, and sat down with confidence. she never felt at peace as how she felt then. her work described who she is, how she acted, defined her very being.

being at her cubicle clarified a lot of things for her, the new company she makes, the endless firsts that she endured.

but when her work time is over, she is dead. she kept to herself. she locked herself if her room. she didn't eat. she didn't have anything to drink. she knew she has depression, but nothing can really cure her from that. she looked forward to working everyday. on the weekends, she's rarely at home. she goes out, she parties, she gossiped, she talked, she ate. none of that which she did at home.

home is where the heart is, so they say, and she found that to be true enough for her understanding. she didn't grasp the concept of making her house a home for her. for her insecurities, her emotions, her feelings, a sanctum for her true self.

her house was a two bedroom apartment in the bustling city of Damansara. but she didn't find that as a luxury for her. she always comes back to an empty house, a silent night, to the creaking noises the door made, the sound of honking cars outside her window.

she never had the chance to make it her home. she didn't want to, not since the last time she tried.

you see, Mandy used to be jovial, fun, bubbly, everything positive, you could say. but one thing robbed her personality away.

that one night where she was awaken by the sound of footsteps in her old apartment in Cheras. she was living with her bestfriend back then, so she just thought it was her bestfriend's boyfriend sneaking in, so she ignored it. but then she remembered that her bestfriend is in Jakarta for the week, she got up to see who it was, and saw Jason, Penny's boyrfriend, drunk and walking into the bathroom. little did she know, Jason had planned this very night.

Jason knocked on Mandy's door, and not suspecting anything unusual, she called out that the door was unlocked, so Jason crept in, being influenced, he dragged his footsteps. Mandy thought Jason wanted to talk to her, but boy she was wrong.

Freezing Hands, Jittery Emotions.

2011-06-06T17:58:00.003+08:00

.......And I don't know what to blog about. Sigh.

Nicotine stains have nothing to do with this post.

2011-05-26T14:27:00.002+08:00

Wow. It's been a while since I updated here.

Well, for starters, I've finished my internship program at Krakatua. Twas a good experience overall, made some quirky friends who curse a lot, so yeah, you can just guess if my cursing habits have decreased or increased.

So, I have unofficially graduated from my Advertising degree. Well, good riddance, I say. I shall miss my studying days.

And if you ask me what am I currently doing with my life? I am working. Yes, I am. I made up my mind, and finally accepted a job as a Junior Copywriter in an advertising agency. I'm in my second week, and the people here are superb! Not a Malay-dominated agency, mind you.

As for my personal life, I've nothing to update. HAHA. I'm still in a rut, I have no friends to hang out with, (not entirely true, but you get my drift). I work late almost everyday, so I'm pretty much beat when I get home, and on weekends, I run errands and sleep. Basically, that's pretty much it.

OHHHHH. I LOST WEIGHTTTTTT. I'm at my ideal weight, I'm not going to disclose the details here, but let's just say I have more confidence now, and my ego? Well, its practically my best friend now. I'm so much stronger, I kid you not.

Other than that? Na-da.

Will update when I have random thoughts and stuff like that. *Refrains myself from using the word with the synonym of poop here*

I'm getting boring by day. Pffffft. *rolls eyes*

Diamond in the rough; you should date an illiterate girl.

2011-04-19T18:03:00.002+08:00

found this on tumblr, and thought it was worth sharing and spreading.

You Should Date An Illiterate Girl, by Charles Warnke.

Date a girl who doesn’t read. Find her in the weary squalor of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke, drunken sweat, and varicolored light of an upscale nightclub. Wherever you find her, find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome. Ignore the palpable weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because you’ve seen it in film. Remark at its lack of significance. Take her to your apartment. Dispatch with making love. Fuck her.

Let the anxious contract you’ve unwittingly written evolve slowly and uncomfortably into a relationship. Find shared interests and common ground like sushi, and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale, or the evenings get long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesn’t fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice.

Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices, propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter, do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause, let it stagnate. If she cries, smile as if you’ve never been happier. If she doesn’t, smile all the same.

Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career, not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail, frequently. Lapse into a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented, but mostly vacant and ethereal. Feel, during walks, as if you might never return, or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract a terminal illness. Die, but only after you observe that the girl who didn’t read never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion, that no one will write the story of your lives, and that she will die, too, with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.

Do those things, god damnit, because nothing sucks worse than a girl who reads. Do it, I say, because a life in purgatory is better than a life in hell. Do it, because a girl who reads possesses a vocabulary that can describe that amorphous discontent as a life unfulfilled—a vocabulary that parses the innate beauty of the world and makes it an accessible necessity instead of an alien wonder. A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the inarticulate desperation of someone who loves her too much. A vocabulary, god damnit, that makes my vacuous sophistry a cheap trick.

Do it, because a girl who reads understands syntax. Literature has taught her that moments of tenderness come in sporadic but knowable intervals. A girl who reads knows that life is not planar; she knows, and rightly demands, that the ebb comes along with the flow of disappointment. A girl who has read up on her syntax senses the irregular pauses—the hesitation of breath—endemic to a lie. A girl who reads perceives the difference between a parenthetical moment of anger and the entrenched habits of someone whose bitter cynicism will run on, run on well past any point of reason, or purpose, run on far after she has packed a suitcase and said a reluctant goodbye and she has decided that I am an ellipsis and not a period and run on and run on. Syntax that knows the rhythm and cadence of a life well lived.

Date a girl who doesn’t read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations of a prologue and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite a denouement. But of all things, the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness.

Don’t date a girl who reads because girls who read are the storytellers. You with the Joyce, you with the Nabokov, you with the Woolf. You there in the library, on the platform of the metro, you in the corner of the café, you in the window of your room. You, who make my life so god damned difficult. The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life that I told of at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being storied. So out with you, girl who reads. Take the next southbound train and take your Hemingway with you. I hate you. I really, really, really hate you.

Damn!

2011-03-09T16:49:00.001+08:00

I'm soooo addicted to tumblr its not even funny.

BUT my blogspot will always be my portal of rants and rambles.

To Work or Not To Work.

2011-03-07T11:52:00.002+08:00

I just got a call from a friend of mine, well okay, my brother's girlfriend. She told me that her client from work is looking for new staff at his advertising agency. Daaaamn. Sounds tempting. Its near, and He's kind of a big shot. But am still not sure what to do, like submit a resume, or just relax and take my time when looking for a job, but then, if I don't start looking for a job now, I don't think I would have the opportunity to look for a job in September. Pffft. I have no idea. I'm graduating in Early May, so, what the hell should I do now? Work in an agency? Work events as a freelancer? Become a lazybum till September? Helppp! GAHHHH

Blur

2011-03-03T15:32:00.002+08:00

I have no idea what to write nowadays. Probably due to all the writing I've been doing at the office. Gahhh.

Someone splash me with Ice Cold water and slap me please. I need to wake up. I need thrills and chills. I hate my cookie-cutter routine life. Sighh.

Oh yeah, and my depression phase? Its definitely here to stay, for now.

I need inspiration, hope and faith.

Kill me not, made me stronger

2011-02-25T11:58:00.002+08:00

Do you know how its like when people tell you to be strong, but all you think in response is "you don't know how hard it is"? Well, lemme tell you one thing, its totally normal. I mean, whatever crap that you go through, is all on you, yeah? You're the one who's feeling helpless, hopeless, and lost. Things can be a bit too negative, yeah, but its these things that keeps you going, and these little things that made you who you are now. The heartbreaks you go through, the disappointments you deal with, the broken trusts that you brush off, it makes you stronger, probably weak at that moment in time, but sooner or later you're just going to realize how its like to feel down and depressed, and you'll end up learning from it, and knowing how to deal with it the second it happens again. Just like the saying, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. I would second that a million times over.

so,

I had the two worst months. Ever. Its epic how I fail in everything I say and do. Like a record of mishaps and massacre. but I thank Allah, for giving me the strength to go through it all, and Alhamdulillah, I made it to this far. I pray for a better tomorrow everyday. So I guess my hope is reinsured. My faith have not been bad to me too. See, everything happens for a reason. Let's just stop all this bullshit and brace myself for whatevermaycome next.

Bismillah.

Another Boring Day At The Office. Pffft.

2011-02-23T15:05:00.001+08:00

Bold what applies to you.

My personality:
I’m loud.
I’m obnoxious.
I’m sarcastic.
I’m cocky.
I cry easily.
I have bad temper.
For the most part I don’t like people.
I’m easy to get along with.
I have more enemies than friends.
I’ve smoked.
I’ve smoked weed.
I drink coffee.
I clean my room daily.

My appearance:
I wear makeup.
I wear a piece of jewellery at all times.
I wear contacts.
I wear glasses.
I have braces.
I change my hair colour often.
I straighten my hair often.
I have a piercing.
I have small feet.

Relationships:
I’m in a relationship now.
I'm single.
I’m crushin’.
I’ve missed an ex before.
An ex has physically abused me at least once.
I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
I’ve been in love more than two times.
I believe in love at first sight.
I believe lust is more important than love.

Friendships:
I have a best friend.
I have at least ten friends.
I’ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend.
I’ve beaten up a friend.
I’ve been in a serious fight with a friend.
I can trust at least five people with my life.

Experiences:
I’ve been on a plane.
I’ve been on a train
Someone close to me has died.
I’ve taken a taxi.
I’ve taken a city bus.
I’ve taken a school bus.
I’ve gone bungee jumping.
I’ve made a speech.
I’ve been in some sort of club.
I’ve won an award.
I’ve spent 24 hours on the computer straight.
I’ve been in a physical fight.

Music:
I listen to R&B.
I listen to country.
I listen to pop.
I listen to techno.
I listen to rock.
I’m one of those people who play songs repeatedly until I hate it.
I hate the radio.
I download music.
I buy CD’s.

Television:
I spend at least six hours a day watching television.
I watch soap operas daily.
I’m in love with Days Of Our Lives.
I've seen and liked the O.C.
I've seen and liked One Tree Hill.
I've seen and liked Popular.
I've seen and liked 24.
I’ve seen and liked CSI.
I've seen and liked Everwood.

Hair:
I've been brown.
I’ve had streaks.
I’ve cut my hair in the past year.
I’ve dyed my hair in the past year.
I’ve been blonde.
I’ve had black.
I’ve been red.
I've been light brown.
I’ve been medium brown.
I’ve been blue/green.
I’ve had my hair thinned.
I use conditioner.
I’ve used silk therapy.
I’ve used hot oil treatments.
I’ve curled my hair.
I’ve straightened my hair
I’ve braided my hair.

School:
I’ve yelled at a teacher.
I’ve been suspended.
I’ve had an in-school suspension.
I’ve been sent to the principal’s office.
I’ve walked out of class.
I’ve skipped an entire day of school.
I’ve skipped a whole month of one certain class.
I’ve failed Art.
I’ve failed P.E.
I’ve failed math.
I’ve failed science.
I’ve failed another class.
A teacher has called my parents.

This gave me peace.

2011-02-22T16:56:00.000+08:00

Everytime you feel like you cannot go on

You feel so lost

That you're so alone

All you is see is night

And darkness all around

You feel so helpless

You can’t see which way to go

Don’t despair and never lose hope

Cause Allah is always by your side.

insya'Allah

Why I have Eyebags.

2011-02-17T16:30:00.002+08:00

This shit right here is my 3kg eyebags. T___T

Found this article here.

How to get rid of Eyebags?

Try to avoid stress and get extra rest, especially during menstrual discomfort.
Try eating turbanado, stevea, maple syrup, raw honey, agave nectar.
Essential fatty acids
Organic foods
Flaxseed oil
Whole grains, nuts and seeds.
Drink plenty of warm water. Avoid ice cold and carbonated drinks.
Avoid stimulants such as caffeine and alcohol.
Add coconuts, raisins, papaya and sweet juicy fruits to your diet.
Only take a moderate amount of sugar.
Avoid red meat and heavy fried foods.

Hell to the yeah. I can't avoid stress, because I have a 9-6 job that apparently I hate. And I'm PMS-ing. I don't eat maple syrup or honey or whatever because it's simply too sweet. Fatty acids? WTH? Organic Food, people don't eat that for a reason, they're tasteless. Come on, are you kidding me? Flaxseed oil? Too lazy to find it. Whole grains takes me countless trips to the toilets. I LOVE ICE COLD DRINKS AND I HATE WARM WATER. I don't consume alcohol OR caffeine. Oh wait, Coke. Right. Sweet juicy fruits? They take me to the toilet, too. Sigh.. Sugar gets me high. Especially Lollipops. I Love red meat more than I love chicken and fish and lamb.

So, what the hell am I supposed to do now? GAH.

I'm ugly, please shoot me, I'm ugly.

Scars.

2011-02-16T11:57:00.000+08:00

Nothing beats the pain than the suffering you’re going through. No matter how hard you try to deal with it, the deeper the scar cuts into your skin, revealing raw flesh, blood and emotions. No matter how you try to nurture it, take care of it, the more you realise that everytime you revisit the scar, the more you feel the pain, and how unsightly the image of the scar bring your painful bitter memories back. No matter how you try to ignore it, the more it reminds you of thei stinging pain of the incident that caused it, reminding you everyday how it happened and why it happened. It hurts, it will always hurt, but no one else can feel your pain but yourself. This is all on you, how you deal with your pain is entirely up to you. Even if you consult a professional, or a dear friend, the suffering that you go through is totally on you, the pain you feel is totally on you. I know I should not be too negative, but right now, I can’t deal with being hopeful and having faith, maybe in a couple of moments, days, weeks, months, years, I would be okay, who am I to say? I can just put a brave face and get the fucking on with life. This is just what I feel now. So disregard my ramblings, by the time any of you read this, I think I’ll be fine. Insya’Allah.

Here's to trying, Bismillah.

Depression

2011-02-14T12:37:00.002+08:00

Found this article here.

Common signs and symptoms of depression

Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
Irritability or restlessness. Feeling agitated, restless, or on edge. Your tolerance level is low; everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.

I have all of the symptoms above. Am I depressed? Why am I behaving weird lately. Why do I feel so lost? I am easily irritated now, when I sleep, I tend to wake up every hour, which is unexplainable. I have this nagging pain on my shoulders and neck. My headaches are getting worst, once in two days. I have cravings, but there's nothing to indicate I've gained weight. I lost weight, and I have been eating. WTF is wrong with me?

Counting Days

2011-02-11T10:46:00.000+08:00

54 fucking days.

i'm dyiiingggggggggg.

lost

2011-02-09T12:56:00.003+08:00

.....so,

I did some research on what to do after my internship program, whether to further my Masters Degree or find work experience. Frankly. I'm tired of studying. I've been in school and college for 16 years. I think its time for me to let my brain rest, and you know, work or something. But the thought of waking up early every morning just to go to the office and stare at a PC all day turns me off. I don't have much time to choose, since if I want to start working immediately, I've to start looking for a job now, and if I want to continue studying, I'd have to send out my applications by now, and if I decide I'm going overseas, I would ought to take my english requirement tests by now. Sigh. I'm so lost.

The best bet I can go for is to relax my mind, body and soul for a couple of months before I start to make any life-changing decision. I'm 23 this year, an adult. But why am I not behaving like one? I WILL take a couple of months to work freelance and go for holidays, it would be beneficial. I think.

...and I'm lost, again.

February.

2011-02-08T10:03:00.002+08:00

I have this urge to blog about what happened two nights ago, but I don't think it would be appropriate. Its our little secret, dinosaur and I.

Moving on from that fateful night, it made me think a lot about how I'm living my life now. I think I need to mature, in ways that's so simple, you know, the kind of changes that your parents have been nagging to you about. Sigh.

Its February already. Another 3 months to go for my internship, 58 days of working underpaid, waking up in the mornings, and going out non-stop during the weekends. I hope the trip to Koh Phangan with my lovelies will happen in June/July. I really need to get away.

Come the end of February, we could have been 2 years, our relationship, but too bad, it didn't make it that far. I mean, I need some me-time, and right now, a committed relationship is just not in my options.

I spent one night crying about what happened to me in 2010. I haven't dropped a single tear ever since we had that fight in the car. It was killing me that I can't shed tears, but I forced myself to cry, and I did. I felt an immediate relief after. Its true when they say, sometimes, the tears that you held back is the one that matters the most.

I can go on bragging about what a sucky year/month/week I've had, but I won't, I did too much of that. I'm tired of it. Right now, I just want to have fun with my friends, and pamper myself. Good news is, I have achieved my goal. I'm down to 3 per day now. Huge improvement there. :)

Shit there's nothing to do today. That's why I'm crapping. Fuck. Gotta stop now. Bye.

February, be kind.

Fun-Sucker!

2011-01-26T10:01:00.002+08:00

Dinosaur, I miss you.

These past few days have been ... moody? I snap at people easy, I get lost in my own thoughts and end up staring into space, when in reality, people around me are conversing and laughing. I'm such a fun-sucker. I think my wives know what I'm going through. I feel suffocated, like I'm trapped. But I can't exactly explain why and how do I feel that way.

On a brighter note, Bruno Mars is coming, April 10th, so they say. I want, okay cross that, I NEED to go. I want to sing out loud, bawl my eyes out and have fun with my wives, IF they go. Sigh. I need more time away from the office, the family, the ex.

Can't wait for next tuesday, a whole week of sleeping till noon, and sleep late. :) or maybe I can go for dates or stuff like that. I've been wanting to watch a romantic comedy, but there's none at the cinemas. My luck, huh?

I told the wives that I want to look sexy, not clothes-wise, probably physically. (Yeah, like that's ever gonna happen) My cheeks, urghhhh, my cheeeekssssss. Okay, I'm crapping now. There's nothing to do at the office, and the weather is superb for naps, and I'm dying. Kthxbye.

Just cause I'm bored.

2011-01-25T15:50:00.002+08:00

THREE NAMES THAT FRIENDS CALL YOU:
HanHan

Han

Hana

THREE MOST IMPORTANT DATES IN YOUR LIFE:
1st Sept

21st June (Dont ask me why)

.......

THREE WAYS TO BE HAPPY:
Getting high
Dancing
Heart to Heart talks

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS AS FOR NOW:
Again, Bruno Mars

Runaway, Bruno Mars

La la la, LMFAO

THREE PERSONS (group) YOU MISS FROM THE PAST:
Diploma Friends
high school sweeties
bowling teammates

THREE GIFTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE:
iPad please.
moolah!
wisdom. bahahhahaa

THREE OF YOUR FAVOUITE HOBBIES:
writing. yeah. yam a nerd.
reading. proof of how nerdy i am.
singing in the car. alone.

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FOR VACATIONS:
Paris again please.
Australia/New York
Koh Phangan!

THREE MALLS YOU USUALLY GO TO:
Sunway Pyramid
One Utama
Summit

THREE FAVORITE DRINKS:
Vanilla Coke
Gatorade Grapefruit
Starbucks' Chocolate Cream Chip.

THREE THINGS FOUND IN YOUR BAG:
Handphones
Purse
Glasses case. (more proof: nerd)

THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
Black
Beige
Orange

THREE HANGOUTS:
Darusland
Delicious, if we're feeling generous.
Lorong!

TOP THREE FOODS YOU LOVE SO MUCH:
Ribs. yes. i. am. fat.
Sushi!
Desserts!

TOP THREE FACES YOU LIKE:
Rupert Grint

Theo Walcott

Adam Brody

THREE THINGS YOU'LL BE DOING TOMORROW:
Working
Working
Dying because of work.

TOP THREE WHY YOU ARE BUSY AT THIS TIME:
Work

Work

House-Duties.

Sigh

2011-01-25T10:02:00.002+08:00

Lets runaway to the place, where love first found us.

Runaway, Bruno Mars.

Okay. After all the whining and nagging, I'm single. Yes, I am.

A couple of my friends say that we'll get back together someday. But yeah, he's changing, and somehow, its disturbing. I mean, we're still friends, but then, he wants me to text him everyday, and be close to him and all. What's the point of breaking up? But yeah, I think I've hurt him enough, so I'll just go with this. Maybe one day he'll get the point, or maybe it will be the other way around.

Currently, I am so negative that I suck the fun out of everything I do, my job is supposed to be my dream job, but yeah, I found a way to ruin that, too. sigh. I have no idea why do I have to be such an ass about everything. Maybe I just need time for myself and leave for a couple of days. Just pack up and leave.

I am tired. So tired. I want to be numb for a while. I don't expect much from people nowadays, I just think about myself, sounds selfish, but I think I'm tired of putting other people ahead of myself all these while.

I just want to sleep. I just want my dreams. I just need to runaway.

I need time. For me. Time for me.

Finally. Not.

2011-01-18T16:43:00.002+08:00

Thanks to msx, a reader in Canada, my Wives, and My sister-in-law for motivating me to have that talk with Boyot.

I finally told him how I felt, and what I really wanted out of this relationship, which is;

BALANCE.

But his reply was exactly what I expected. He told me he couldn't provide the right balance that I needed, so I was a bit disappointed by that. I don't know what else to say, so I asked him what did his heart tells him to do, he just said:

"In order to keep our relationship happy, I would change for you. Yes, I'm lying to myself, I'm most myself when I'm with my friends, but not with you, but if this is what I have to do, then I'm willing"

BUT

in my head was,

"if you feel like you're lying to yourself, then what about me?"

So. I replied.

"I didn't say I wanted you to change, its just I want the Balance, and you can't give me that. I would also be lying if I said I'm okay with you not being able to give me that. Of all the things I said, I think this is the thing that matters to me most, so when you tell me that, I don't know how to react, what to do, and what to say"

His reply was

"I did change, for you, you have to accept it, but if you can't, then you decide, I don't know if there's anything else I can do"

I left it at that.

I'm lost.

How can he be so .... ignorant? He can't even try to balance? Sigh. I'm beyond disappointed right now. I guess my heart AND mind knows what its supposed to do, huh?

Internship.

2011-01-18T10:20:00.001+08:00

Today marks the 11th day I'm interning for Krakatua, and Avertising Agency in Menjalara.

That reminds me, where's everyone? hmmm. Whatever.

The first two weeks was hectic as hell. Coming on to my 3rd week, things slowed down. A LOT.

I still have personal issues to deal with, but lucky I'm not the type who lets personal matters interfere with my work life.

Sigh.

I hate working. Can I just further my studies instead?

Straight Up form the Bottom of my heart,

2011-01-17T16:21:00.002+08:00

Not a day pass by without the feeling that I am actually lying to myself. I have no other way but to deal with it. I don't think that it's fair for Boyot, if I just left him hanging while I'm feeling over the moon.

But I also don't think that by giving him a chance to improve himself, it would improve my feelings for him. Its almost to non-existent by now. Yes, I still love him, yes, I still care for him, but I just think that all the love and care is actually from all the period that I stayed on with him. Next month, we are approaching two years of being together, but I don't really feel like it. He asked me to go to Bali with him and his friends in September, but I doubt that there will still be "us" in September.

Now I really don't know what I can do, as for I am scrambling my brains out to find out what I really want in life. Is it a relationship tat I'm contempt with, or just a simple life, with perks of being single and flirty. It struck me a couple of weeks back that I might jump into this relationship that I have now with Boyot because I was feeling super depressed, and he was there. I don't want the same thing to happen with dinosaur too.

Maybe I should wait and really think about what I feel about Boyot, and justify my actions in the future. I love him, I really do, but I'm done chasing him, and I'm done feeling like an ass for not accepting him for who he is, maybe I should just leave. Sigh

This feeling I have is as subtle as a shotgun, as heavy as a brick.

Can I just crawl into a hole and die now?

Spur of the moment thing.

2011-01-07T09:54:00.003+08:00

I feel like I’m lying to myself if I say that I’m not in love. And it is obvious to my eyes, that I can’t utter the word “love u so damn much” anymore. A simple I love you would do for me.

Maybe because the heart is already broken from the conversation we had a couple of weeks back.

I maybe in love with someone else, and I maybe on cloud nine, but I must say with a heavy heart, it is not with you. He treats me like how a guy SHOULD treat a girl. He has his concerns. He cares. And you, on the other side, you care only for my physical being. You can’t provide the emotional attention I need. I’m so sorry, but I’m currently going through a phase where I’m beginning to realise that I have pretty fragile emotions, and they needed to be attended with tender, loving care. I’m stressed with my job, and you don’t seem to care, or even pretend to care. I don’t think I am happy with that.

I guess my mind already made up its choice. Its just that my heart is waiting for the right time to make a move.

Maybe it took me this long to realize, because all this while, I had faith in you. Now, it doesn’t seem real to me, it doesn’t seem logical. And I hate that. And even for a bit, I hate you for turning me into this egoistic monster. But I guess I needed that push, without you, I’d never be the woman I am now. So, I owe you an apology, for future occurances, and present happenings. Its just that I can’t see myself being happy with you.

FMA, CMS

2010-12-08T19:33:00.002+08:00

Its been a while since I updated here. Super busy with finals. But after finals, I still can't find anything to write about here. Probably my mind is usually distracted. Hmmm. Right now, I'm currently feeling distraught, sad, angry, disappointed, and there's a bit of flattered in there somewhere.

I enjoy the company I have now, say the people who actually asks me how I'm feeling, people who flatter me, and people who asks me how was my day. But those questions were never from the one person I want to hear it from. Its depressing that I still hope for it, you know?

I had this nagging thought at the back of my head for months now, and a million after-thoughts to that particular thought. But usually, people say that the first thought is always the best, but now, I'm reluctant.

Practical training is less than a month now, I'm freaking out, and he doesn't even give me motivation and encouragement, yes I can get it from simply anyone, but I want to know if he still cares. If he still think that this "thing" we have still exists.

Blahblahblah, all this thoughts in my mind, is about a guy, yeah. Pathetic. Lame. Loser-ish. Call it as you see it, I don't care, and I'm kind of suffering and going through a rough patch. I just need all the support and holidays I can get.

"F my Ass, and Call Me a Sissy"
-One of my breakdown moments quote

Hey you,
I miss your presence in my life. Your friends can be there forever for you, but just know, I might not stick around that long if you keep on treating me like this.

Phew

2010-12-08T04:18:00.002+08:00

you make me feel so good about myself. :)

with great gratitude

2010-10-10T17:16:00.000+08:00

Erm......I don't know how to start, but I have the urge to blog about what happened.

So, here goes nothing...............

I can't believe I had the chance to feel what its like to be with you, because a year ago, I had this silly little crush on you, but I immediately brushed it off because I have a boyfriend, and I'm still with the same guy now, but you made me feel that I still have the swag, the ability to flirt, and the attractiveness and balance like you said.

I don't know why I'm blogging this, but its definitely an incident that I won't ever forget.

You told me that this 3 day period is not enough, and all I did for 3 days with you was laugh with you, be idiotic, and a friend. I guess we hit it off with the right notes, yes?

If you ever read this, and I know you won't, because of that fact that triggered my courage to write this. :)

But I owe u a huge thanks, definitely. :)

Drumbeats

2010-10-01T00:29:00.002+08:00

I'd never thought that I'd miss you.

But I do.

I feel guilty missing you.

You were once a part of me, now you're avoiding me.
I thought we would be the type who'll always be friends after breaking up, but I guess not.

So yeah, stumbled upon a photo of you, I guess that's why I'm writing this.
*sigh

lend a hand

2010-09-01T14:59:00.002+08:00

Its my birthday today.

Woop-dee-doo.
NOT!

I cried four times already, not counting the teary moments I had.

Yes. I am indeed not happy today.

Someone just shake me out of it and lend a caring hand? Please.

It'd be greatly appreciated. Because I'm getting desperate.

Ty

2010-08-28T16:32:00.001+08:00

I didn't lift a freaking finger to help.

Thanks for noticing all my efforts.

Really.

Thank you.

Owl

2010-08-27T05:33:00.001+08:00

no doubt I am turning into an owl.
It's 5.30 am my time, and I'm still blogshop-walking.

I can't stop looking at their shoes and bags.

GAH.

.kill.me.now.coz.i.really.need.my.sleep.

Not much update

2010-08-15T01:55:00.002+08:00

Things are awfully hectic this time of year.
Ramadhan is here. :(

Moving on,
There's no reason why I haven't been updating .... wait, yes there is. I've got myself a writer's block. I'm so busy preparing my Academic Writing paperwork, and my Ad Campaigns, I've lost track of my cyber-social life, believe it, check my facebook. I update like once a week now. It's kind of depressing.

My studies are moving, on the ... right track, I suppose?

My relationship with the boyfie is going better than expected. It's getting stronger everyday. :)

Oh, and I got myself a brand NEW phone! One that doesn't go off after 2 mins of talk time. J20i or Sony Ericsson Hazel. Love the red. Love the Keypad. But the boyfie keeps on harassing me to change to Nokia C6. Gahhh. Ungrateful tubby.

As for friends go, I'm glad that I don't have to depend on anyone to live, you know. Except for my wives of course.

Okay, okay, enough of this crap.
I'll update with more "creative" stuff when I have the time and effort.

Until then, I'm fuckin out of here.

Profanity

2010-07-07T23:17:00.002+08:00

I'm full of rage, anger and sadness. But I can't seem to put it in words. It's too hard to describe whats been going on, and what have I been feeling. People take me for granted too much. :(

But to generate a vague picture of how I'm feeling right now;

I'm loving profanity right this moment.
Entertain me.

Phew

2010-07-07T00:43:00.000+08:00

okay, I thought I was gonna lose Whispers there for a sec. PHEW!

fml

2010-07-02T02:39:00.001+08:00

Classes start on Monday. *fml*

Wish me the best of luck with;
studies,
friends,
pressure,
relationship,
assignments,
exams.

Fuck I hate being a student.

This is how I really feel;

2010-06-26T02:02:00.000+08:00

If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go.

Fuck!

2010-06-22T23:11:00.002+08:00

Back Off, Slave-driver!

you just can't see me happy and/or free, can you?

Drop the World

2010-06-21T14:36:00.002+08:00

No matter how many tears I've dropped,
No matter how coarse my voice sounds,

I just can't get away from this, can't I?
I feel like cursing whenever something bad happens.

Okay, this is bad, I've run out of patience.

It hurts, but I never show this pain you’ll never know
If only you could see just how lonely and how cold
And frostbit I’ve become, my back’s against the wall
When push come to shove, I just stand up and scream “Fuck ‘em all”

Insecure.

2010-06-19T23:16:00.002+08:00

do you know how does it feel to feel insecure all the time?

Well, I'm kind of going through that right now. maybe I'm pms-ing, but maybe I just have an irritating gut-feeling about a girl from the past. So yeah, lately, this girl has been calling my boyfriend, practically everyday, asking all these unnecessary questions where the answers are easily available from a totally different person.

She's a stewardess, I'm a student.
She was with him for 3 years, and we are going to be 16 months this 28th.
She is fair-skinned, well, I'm not.
she's soft-spoken, I'm loud.
She's smart, egoistic, and I'm blur and 'vulnerable' (so says my boyfriend)

So, you can imagine my worries when she calls him everyday, asking has he eaten, what he was up to, where can she find a place with good food. *iknow,likeWTFright?

Come on, this, coming from a girl who has a boyfriend that lives in the same area.

Why I feel so insecure, though I know I'm a better suit for my guy than she is, is because, she has the advantage of being his first gf, ever.*like,pffffft,obsessedmuch?

I'm not yet through spending my time with him, I feel ... how do you say, like the time I have with him all these months is insufficient, and I'm not able to let him go just yet. *iknowi'vegoneoverboardwiththis

I can't even see myself not being with him (for the time being). Right now, he's my best friend, my outlet, the apple of my eye. He treats me well, he jokes, he wins me over when he knows he pissed me off. He's perfect for my right-now. I don't dare to think about the future. Let's not waste my energy fussing over that, shall we?

Okay, I'm done rambling, I'm going to go off doing something to blow off steam.
Probably I'll be singing along to UKAYS, Search, Wings and Iklim.

I guess that covers it. My current state of mind; insecure and clueless.

Oh yea, P/S for the girl;
Back off my boyfriend, bitch. Watch out for Karma, we're bestfriends.

shitsies

2010-06-18T01:53:00.000+08:00

seriously, this is happening?

like seriously?

shitshitshit.

O-kay

2010-06-18T00:47:00.003+08:00

back again, with a loaded mind.

okay, first things first,

results didn't really sucked, i was just being dramatic. *long pause* i know, i can't help it.

next,

my dad was admitted in the hospital, due to high blood pressure. this was during my finals. imagine what was i thinking then. thus explains the dramatic results. i was literally crying on my notes. like my notes had these huge blue splotches, your girl here is a softie. boo-hoo, too bad.

moving on,

had the best ever night out with my girlies and their boyfies. painted the town red. uncle chilli's, chulo's @ jaya one, and a drive through KL scenic club routes. haha.

err, today,
when i was out with the boyfie, his ex called, gave me a shudder, and i kept quiet the whole outing, obviously my mind was working on frictions to get to something, i dont know what, solution, explanation, but i was just scrambling through my mind for something. is that normal, okay, its not. call me crazy, i don't care. seriously, i had crazy eyes.

thats the recent happenings in my life (ones that i manage to remember)
my life is sad.
depressingly sad.

going in for the kill.

2010-06-11T23:10:00.001+08:00

no access.
no life.

results sucked.
like, seriously sucked.

kill me now.

BS

2010-04-24T23:34:00.002+08:00

I know very well the fact that shit happens,

but why does it always happen to me, and always at the wrong time?

Tomorrow is my first final paper for my finals, why am I so glum and on the verge of crying?

Tell yourself you're okay Hannah, and you will be.

That's just bullshit.

Gone

2010-04-24T20:44:00.002+08:00

The distance made me realize that I can't bear waiting anymore.

I've done that for the past two years, and the consequences is catching up on me.

It's tough when you have to wait by your mobile for a person's text, but the texts never show, and you're the one who has to initiate the first move, and inquire. I'm tired of being the one with the effort. I know when you're on a job its hard for you to make time for me, but a simple "I love you" would be sufficient for me. I just need some sort of confirmation of your being. Safe or not.

Oh well. Fuck this shit. I can't stand being emo anymore. I'm fucking out of here.

You know where to find me. And if you do decide to find me, it better be a hell of a good reason why you've been silent. Thanks.

Formspring.me

2010-04-22T01:34:00.000+08:00

Whisper to me your curiosity, ask me anything;

www.formspring.me/hnnhmarz

Death Comes A-Knockin'

2010-04-20T21:41:00.004+08:00

When death comes looming, what do you think of?

Sometimes I can't help but wonder, what would the people around me do if I'm dead?
(I don't wish for it to happen, just one of those random thoughts)

Would they forget me?
Would they wish that I was still around?
Would they find replacements?

I have thoughts that go through my mind everyday before I go to sleep, thoughts that disturb me in my dreams. I dreamed that after my death, the boyfriend found someone else almost immediately, the family found peace. I can't imagine being gone from this world. Though I can be ungrateful at times,but its thoughts like this that makes me so thankful that I am still standing.

I hate the thought of life going on without me. Selfish, I know, but they mean so much to me, you know? I want to be there and see them change, see them grow up, see them blossom.

I might have put too much thought in this. I'm grateful I have friends, a boyfriend, and a functional (sometimes) family to let me have the chance in living my life.

Urgh. I just HATE the nightmares. I just HATE the thoughts

Scary much?

Lone-Ranger

2010-04-17T18:44:00.000+08:00

I never felt.........

......this alone.

And She Was Gone

2010-04-14T23:13:00.002+08:00

Another excerpt from As Told By Ginger.
I am inspired.

She chose to walk alone
Though others wondered why
Refused to look before her,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.

She didn't have companions
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what she felt were
Puppet strings.

She longed to be a bird. That she might fly away.
She pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.

She longed to be a flame,
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

The trees, they say stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it said
The story played out well.

She spread her arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
She just let go of all she held...

And then she was gone.

I wanna look for the writers from the show.
They deserve standing ovations.

Splinter In My Heart

2010-04-14T23:02:00.002+08:00

I was suddenly reminded of a cartoon series in Nickelodeon; As Told By Ginger.

That series was one hell of a story. It motivated me to write. Where have those days gone?

It's kind of sad really
Guess I'm the sort who'll linger
When the credits roll
I still can't leave a picture
The picture I hold
In my heart

It makes me mad really
Wish I could blame a twister
Or a hurricane,
Or my pesky sister
Wish I could blame away this feeling
In my heart

There's reasons left to fight
There's you to kiss good night
Hold on
Hold on tight

It makes me mad really
Wish I could blame a twister
Or a hurricane,
Or my pesky sister
Wish I could blame away this feeling
In my heart

Just a splinter in my heart.

Salvation

2010-04-13T01:37:00.002+08:00

Depression is just a state of mind.

Your words are just hints to your thoughts.
This I know, because I've been hearing them over and over and over again.

Stop, voice, stop.
You've messed with my feelings too much.

I need time, I need air.

I crave freedom.

Fyeah

2010-04-11T00:24:00.002+08:00

"you have to be considerate,
you have to think
........doing god knows what"

Seriously, am I a burden to you?

Cause if I am, I'll leave.

There's plenty more people who appreciates me besides you guys.

.....I think

Why is it do hard for you people to understand that I'll be out of your hair soon?

You guys just can't see me take a breath, huh?

Well, guess what,
there will come a time,
when you need me,
and I'll be GONE.

Fuck yeah you heard me right.

hey jackass,

2010-04-07T14:13:00.003+08:00

You're not exactly important to me anymore, so why am I still stalking you?

French Finals - Done with Doubt

Political-based article - Stalling

Media Planning Sched - Doing tonight.

Everything else - Fuck off.

Obvious

2010-04-06T15:11:00.001+08:00

Life is anything but

.....perfect

Gogoogle

2010-04-05T02:06:00.002+08:00

I have no idea why I had this urge to Google him. I mean, why bring back the pain right? But yeah, I googled him, went through some of his photos, and something hit me. I am over it, the whole shit, the drama, the mood swings of him.

OV-ER IT!
Big round of applause please people.

But, I can't seem to get over one thing;
Why the fuck am I reminiscing?
Maybe I AM over IT, but not him.

Naaah.
It couldn't be about him.
I'm over him too!
Now I might not sound so convincing.
Hmmmmmm.
That's weird, I thought I had my ego with me here for a sec.
Seem to have lost it.

Egoo, Eeeeego, where are youuuuu?
Oh, there you are, what are you doing under the pillow? You need to kick some ass now man.

Hell yeah, bring it on bastards, you've got no game on me.
I am on a mission, and to you; be damned.

Thank you

2010-03-23T22:13:00.003+08:00

Lots of things on my plate now.

and

all I can think of is....
..
..

fuck my life.

It's not fair when you wait for someone, and they end up screaming at you.
It's not fair that all your hard work's credit goes to someone else.
It's not fair when you try to give up, but your heart tells you otherwise.
It's not fair when the things that run through you mind are problems, not real thoughts.

Fuck It.
Life's just isn't fair.

Listen to me

2010-03-22T03:38:00.003+08:00

I'm tired.

Weary.
Exhausted.
Worn-Out.
Bushed.
Dead Beat.
Drained

Got that?

I'm fucking tired.

Retards

2010-03-09T20:55:00.002+08:00

When you people do this to me, it makes me realize how independent I am, how mature I am, and how I can handle any situation after a rough day in college. Some of you are older than me, some are younger, but that doesn't mean that you can take things for granted and push me around.

I'm in college for pete's sake. You people just laze around and socialize. What happened to your words 'I can survive not having help around the house'. What happened to that?

But yet again, I am 22, and living my life as if I'm married and has kids. So, this is pretty good training. Right? Though I don't need the extra chores and extra stress, I have to live with this. Every. Fucking. Day.

Then again, we'll see who survives later in life. I know I'm going to be the toughest, you guys taught me how. Let's just see who'll win the biggest life challenge to come, GROWING UP.

I'm sure I'm going to be independent, mature-thinking, and fucking survive. I can't wait for you guys to come to me for help in the future. I'll laugh it off and say 'Fuck you for messing with my supposedly carefree years, so now, go figure how to grow up'

Responsibility by all means being able to take care of stuff. You people can't even be responsible for your mistakes, how are you supposed to be responsible for yourself? Boo-hoo. Loser much?

Thanks retards, by being the lazy ass people you are, I am aware of my responsibility then, now, and in the future.

Now come and fuck around with my life.

prepuberty

2010-03-04T00:04:00.002+08:00

I can't shake this feeling I have.

I'm going to be alien to him, them, you.

I miss those days where all I have to worry about is how baggy my pants are, and how cool I speak.

I miss those days when I thought yo-yos was the must have item, and handball was the ultimate sport.

I miss those days when I can only speak one kind. No drama, no relationships, no crisis.

I miss those days where I used to jog over to 'Padang D' to play on the monkey bars, and show off those new skills I learned before.

I miss those days when I wore track pants and sweat pants everyday.

I miss those days when my idea of shopping was going down to the bookstore and buying new toys that I can throw away the day after.

I miss my childhood, I miss my pre-puberty ages.

Effing Idiot

2010-03-03T23:16:00.003+08:00

These tears may fall,
This voice may scream,
The scream might echo,
and the echo might fade.

This light will shine,
in time the bulb will burn,
The spark we have will simmer,
The relationship we have will be gone.

No matter how hard we try,
No matter how much tears we shed,
The trust is gone,
and so will our mourn.

You, We, Us, Me.
What does that mean to you?

You're just like everybody else,
Figuring what I do revolve around you.

I have a life,
So will you have one, too?

Classes

2010-02-25T00:56:00.002+08:00

This post is totally unrelated to me. This is what my friend in College has been telling me about, and it somehow stuck me and inspired me to write this.

I've always thought that people should not judge other people just by the way they carry themselves, but these previous weeks, it made me realize that I have been witnessing these judgments right in front of me. Why didn't I notice it earlier? Why should I even bother?

Maybe I shouldn't be bothered, maybe I shouldn't give shit. But I do, it disturbs me so much, that it puts so many possibilities on my plate. Come on, just because someone is not pretty enough, not smart enough and doesn't have a winning smile and truckload of fancy clothes, doesn't mean they are not worthy of being acknowledged?

Silly, silly me. Maybe I'm too caught up with my workload that I over-think about this, maybe its not such a big deal after all? But just please, after you've said some mean things to me, you won't do what I did right? Cause that's just down right hypocrisy.

I might be overboard when I say this, but I hate the fact that I go to a college that is full of my own race. It's definitely depressing, and in someway or another, I think they're too typical.

Help yourselves and curse me for what I wrote, but I know this is happening anywhere.

Go Die

2010-02-21T01:11:00.003+08:00

YOU'RE BEING SUCH A BITCH.

I know your parents have got your back, and you have the world backing you up.

and I am just another pushover that you like to spit on.

Thanks Bitch, you make me feel so appreciated.

I wanna go away. For. Ever.

Mind my french

2010-02-20T21:28:00.002+08:00

When I'm trying to be reliable,

DON'T

FUCKING TAKE ME FOR GRANTED AND PUSH ME.

Fuck. I don't fucking need this right fucking now.

Just When, Just Because

2010-02-20T03:40:00.002+08:00

Just when I think everything is going to be okay, I have nightmares.
Just when I think that I'm getting mature, I was shot down by other people.
Just when I think that I am ready to work, I overslept.

Just when I say I would do it, I got lazy.
Just when I dyed my hair, it goes haywire.
Just when I finally feel confident, somebody says I'm fat.
Just when I got tired of having people push me over, people suddenly acts nice.

Just because I'm not perfect, doesn't give you the right to hate me.
Just because I'm nice, doesn't give you the right to be mean to me.
Just because I'm slow at times, doesn't mean you can call me stupid.
Just because I'm in love, doesn't mean you can say I ignore you.

Just because I say I'm OK, it doesn't really mean that I am.

I maybe stupid, I maybe in love, I maybe imperfect, but I am me.
and I am contempt with that.

Late

2010-02-15T01:40:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since I blogged. Bla bla bla, busy with class and shit like that.

Just when you think things would go easy, you suddenly wake up and find yourself to be on a roller-coaster ride.

That's how I feel lately. Okay, I'm not going to be all emo here and now. I've written a few more fictions posts, but I can't find the scraps of paper that I've written it on, Lame, I know. I'll try and upload soon, promise. (I'm saying this as if I have tons of readers, Ha. Ha.)

Sayang ;
Just know what my day won't start the way I want it to if I don't get to stare in your eyes. :)
I love you like crazy.

Oh, this 28th will be my 1st anniversary with Boyot. :) Am loving every moment with him, though there are some annoying moments, but I'd want nothing more. Yes people, I am in LUUUURRRVVEEEE. *hihihihihiihihhi

@ngELsZzZz ;
You guys are my everything, man. My tears, my laughter, and my crime partners. Though we have our Bimbo moments, I still love you guys to the core. :)

Will update when I have something REAL to post.
Ta.

Whimper,

2010-01-21T12:36:00.000+08:00

I lost control.

<3

2010-01-10T23:01:00.001+08:00

I miss you, Boyot.

Sense

2010-01-10T02:37:00.004+08:00

Why do people like to make simple things tough? We should be able to work things out, don't you think? Well, I'm not one to give out wise words. I'm a screw up myself. But, for other people, just please, push anything negative aside, and think about what you have now, the relationships, the friendships, and the family bond. Think it through that you feel that everything's enough, and there's no need for a disaster to destroy what you have now. It may look like I'm crapping, but you know there's a solid point in here somewhere.

with luck

2009-12-29T04:27:00.003+08:00

mcmana nak GPA 3.6 and ptptn jadi scholarship, kalau kerja asyik nak tido je hannah? you're very very close to getting into the Dean's List this sem, how many times have that happened? too many times to ignore. come on, hannah. find back your thoughts and let's ace next semester!

Jom!

2009-12-19T00:31:00.002+08:00

Apple Danish sekalian, mari mulakan aktiviti ini semula!

Durian, Photography and Bazaars

2009-12-15T03:21:00.003+08:00

Baru lepas tengok gambar-gambar recently-acquainted photographers, and frankly speaking, sangat merindui baby slr yang missing. ;( Insya'Allah, mid of next year will get a new one.

Oh ya, Ego is such a drama queen, and I can't wait for Conscious to finish her exams, next up; BAZAARS!

Saya ketagih dengan Durian Grade A. ;)
Hahahaha!