Just cause I'm bored.

THREE NAMES THAT FRIENDS CALL YOU:
HanHan

Han

Hana

THREE MOST IMPORTANT DATES IN YOUR LIFE:
1st Sept

21st June (Dont ask me why)

.......

THREE WAYS TO BE HAPPY:
Getting high
Dancing
Heart to Heart talks

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS AS FOR NOW:
Again, Bruno Mars

Runaway, Bruno Mars

La la la, LMFAO

THREE PERSONS (group) YOU MISS FROM THE PAST:
Diploma Friends
high school sweeties
bowling teammates

THREE GIFTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE:
iPad please.
moolah!
wisdom. bahahhahaa

THREE OF YOUR FAVOUITE HOBBIES:
writing. yeah. yam a nerd.
reading. proof of how nerdy i am.
singing in the car. alone.

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FOR VACATIONS:
Paris again please.
Australia/New York
Koh Phangan!

THREE MALLS YOU USUALLY GO TO:
Sunway Pyramid
One Utama
Summit

THREE FAVORITE DRINKS:
Vanilla Coke
Gatorade Grapefruit
Starbucks' Chocolate Cream Chip.

THREE THINGS FOUND IN YOUR BAG:
Handphones
Purse
Glasses case. (more proof: nerd)

THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
Black
Beige
Orange

THREE HANGOUTS:
Darusland
Delicious, if we're feeling generous.
Lorong!

TOP THREE FOODS YOU LOVE SO MUCH:
Ribs. yes. i. am. fat.
Sushi!
Desserts!

TOP THREE FACES YOU LIKE:
Rupert Grint

Theo Walcott

Adam Brody

THREE THINGS YOU'LL BE DOING TOMORROW:
Working
Working
Dying because of work.

TOP THREE WHY YOU ARE BUSY AT THIS TIME:
Work

Work

House-Duties.

Sigh

Lets runaway to the place, where love first found us.

Runaway, Bruno Mars.

Okay. After all the whining and nagging, I'm single. Yes, I am.

A couple of my friends say that we'll get back together someday. But yeah, he's changing, and somehow, its disturbing. I mean, we're still friends, but then, he wants me to text him everyday, and be close to him and all. What's the point of breaking up? But yeah, I think I've hurt him enough, so I'll just go with this. Maybe one day he'll get the point, or maybe it will be the other way around.

Currently, I am so negative that I suck the fun out of everything I do, my job is supposed to be my dream job, but yeah, I found a way to ruin that, too. sigh. I have no idea why do I have to be such an ass about everything. Maybe I just need time for myself and leave for a couple of days. Just pack up and leave.

I am tired. So tired. I want to be numb for a while. I don't expect much from people nowadays, I just think about myself, sounds selfish, but I think I'm tired of putting other people ahead of myself all these while.

I just want to sleep. I just want my dreams. I just need to runaway.

I need time. For me. Time for me.

Finally. Not.

Thanks to msx, a reader in Canada, my Wives, and My sister-in-law for motivating me to have that talk with Boyot.

I finally told him how I felt, and what I really wanted out of this relationship, which is;

BALANCE.

But his reply was exactly what I expected. He told me he couldn't provide the right balance that I needed, so I was a bit disappointed by that. I don't know what else to say, so I asked him what did his heart tells him to do, he just said:

"In order to keep our relationship happy, I would change for you. Yes, I'm lying to myself, I'm most myself when I'm with my friends, but not with you, but if this is what I have to do, then I'm willing"

BUT

in my head was,

"if you feel like you're lying to yourself, then what about me?"

So. I replied.

"I didn't say I wanted you to change, its just I want the Balance, and you can't give me that. I would also be lying if I said I'm okay with you not being able to give me that. Of all the things I said, I think this is the thing that matters to me most, so when you tell me that, I don't know how to react, what to do, and what to say"

His reply was

"I did change, for you, you have to accept it, but if you can't, then you decide, I don't know if there's anything else I can do"

I left it at that.

I'm lost.

How can he be so .... ignorant? He can't even try to balance? Sigh. I'm beyond disappointed right now. I guess my heart AND mind knows what its supposed to do, huh?

Internship.

Today marks the 11th day I'm interning for Krakatua, and Avertising Agency in Menjalara.

That reminds me, where's everyone? hmmm. Whatever.

The first two weeks was hectic as hell. Coming on to my 3rd week, things slowed down. A LOT.

I still have personal issues to deal with, but lucky I'm not the type who lets personal matters interfere with my work life.

Sigh.

I hate working. Can I just further my studies instead?

Straight Up form the Bottom of my heart,

Not a day pass by without the feeling that I am actually lying to myself. I have no other way but to deal with it. I don't think that it's fair for Boyot, if I just left him hanging while I'm feeling over the moon.

But I also don't think that by giving him a chance to improve himself, it would improve my feelings for him. Its almost to non-existent by now. Yes, I still love him, yes, I still care for him, but I just think that all the love and care is actually from all the period that I stayed on with him. Next month, we are approaching two years of being together, but I don't really feel like it. He asked me to go to Bali with him and his friends in September, but I doubt that there will still be "us" in September.

Now I really don't know what I can do, as for I am scrambling my brains out to find out what I really want in life. Is it a relationship tat I'm contempt with, or just a simple life, with perks of being single and flirty. It struck me a couple of weeks back that I might jump into this relationship that I have now with Boyot because I was feeling super depressed, and he was there. I don't want the same thing to happen with dinosaur too.

Maybe I should wait and really think about what I feel about Boyot, and justify my actions in the future. I love him, I really do, but I'm done chasing him, and I'm done feeling like an ass for not accepting him for who he is, maybe I should just leave. Sigh

This feeling I have is as subtle as a shotgun, as heavy as a brick.

Can I just crawl into a hole and die now?

Spur of the moment thing.

I feel like I’m lying to myself if I say that I’m not in love. And it is obvious to my eyes, that I can’t utter the word “love u so damn much” anymore. A simple I love you would do for me.

Maybe because the heart is already broken from the conversation we had a couple of weeks back.

I maybe in love with someone else, and I maybe on cloud nine, but I must say with a heavy heart, it is not with you. He treats me like how a guy SHOULD treat a girl. He has his concerns. He cares. And you, on the other side, you care only for my physical being. You can’t provide the emotional attention I need. I’m so sorry, but I’m currently going through a phase where I’m beginning to realise that I have pretty fragile emotions, and they needed to be attended with tender, loving care. I’m stressed with my job, and you don’t seem to care, or even pretend to care. I don’t think I am happy with that.

I guess my mind already made up its choice. Its just that my heart is waiting for the right time to make a move.

Maybe it took me this long to realize, because all this while, I had faith in you. Now, it doesn’t seem real to me, it doesn’t seem logical. And I hate that. And even for a bit, I hate you for turning me into this egoistic monster. But I guess I needed that push, without you, I’d never be the woman I am now. So, I owe you an apology, for future occurances, and present happenings. Its just that I can’t see myself being happy with you.

FMA, CMS

Its been a while since I updated here. Super busy with finals. But after finals, I still can't find anything to write about here. Probably my mind is usually distracted. Hmmm. Right now, I'm currently feeling distraught, sad, angry, disappointed, and there's a bit of flattered in there somewhere.

I enjoy the company I have now, say the people who actually asks me how I'm feeling, people who flatter me, and people who asks me how was my day. But those questions were never from the one person I want to hear it from. Its depressing that I still hope for it, you know?

I had this nagging thought at the back of my head for months now, and a million after-thoughts to that particular thought. But usually, people say that the first thought is always the best, but now, I'm reluctant.

Practical training is less than a month now, I'm freaking out, and he doesn't even give me motivation and encouragement, yes I can get it from simply anyone, but I want to know if he still cares. If he still think that this "thing" we have still exists.

Blahblahblah, all this thoughts in my mind, is about a guy, yeah. Pathetic. Lame. Loser-ish. Call it as you see it, I don't care, and I'm kind of suffering and going through a rough patch. I just need all the support and holidays I can get.

"F my Ass, and Call Me a Sissy"
-One of my breakdown moments quote

Hey you,
I miss your presence in my life. Your friends can be there forever for you, but just know, I might not stick around that long if you keep on treating me like this.

Phew

you make me feel so good about myself. :)

with great gratitude

Erm......I don't know how to start, but I have the urge to blog about what happened.



So, here goes nothing...............




I can't believe I had the chance to feel what its like to be with you, because a year ago, I had this silly little crush on you, but I immediately brushed it off because I have a boyfriend, and I'm still with the same guy now, but you made me feel that I still have the swag, the ability to flirt, and the attractiveness and balance like you said.

I don't know why I'm blogging this, but its definitely an incident that I won't ever forget.

You told me that this 3 day period is not enough, and all I did for 3 days with you was laugh with you, be idiotic, and a friend. I guess we hit it off with the right notes, yes?

If you ever read this, and I know you won't, because of that fact that triggered my courage to write this. :)

But I owe u a huge thanks, definitely. :)

Drumbeats

I'd never thought that I'd miss you.

But I do.

I feel guilty missing you.

You were once a part of me, now you're avoiding me.
I thought we would be the type who'll always be friends after breaking up, but I guess not.

So yeah, stumbled upon a photo of you, I guess that's why I'm writing this.
*sigh