Hanya Sementara

Kebahagiaan yang terasa kejapnya,

Selalunya yang berharga buat kita.

Senyum dan tawa insan yang kita cinta, 

Dapat ubat hati yang berduka lara.

Jangan sesekali kau berkira,

Kerna Dia boleh tarik bahagia sekelip mata.

Panjatkan syukur dengan apa kau ada,

Sebab belum tentu hari esok kau tersenyum gembira.

TROTs

Harmful Dreaming

Sometimes all I need,

Is a warm, comforting hug.

Sometimes all I need, 

Are sincere, comforting words.

Sometimes all I need,

Is assurance that it will all be okay.

But sometimes what I need,

Is what makes me bleed. 

TROTs

Plateful

Hi.

I know that it has been a while since I've written anything in this lame blog. But today, tonight, I just feel like I need to vent. So please just bear with me.

I'm going to categorise my vents into three parts. I'll start off with WORK, because it's a total bitch right now.

I've been working for this media/entertainment company for almost 9 months now, and I must say that I enjoy the job. I get to practice my Bahasa (well basically that's the only perk), oh and I get to claim my overtimes.

Let me give you the gist of my working environment. I am nestled in between old, gossipy ladies. And I shit you not, they know how to gossip. I'm a social media executive, therefore I administer the movements of the multiple platforms that we have (think 5). It doesn't end there, the company that I work for, is THE BIGGEST name in the industry. Thus, hundreds of shows per week. And yes, I've to find material for all of it, post it up on the platforms and monitor the feedback.

Did I mention that I'm doing all of that ALONE? Oh yeah, I've to do some translation every week. Well you know, just because my job isn't challenging enough (cue sobbing and whimpers here). To add to the whole truckload of crap that I'm dealing with, I've a boss who texts me when she pleases, calls me whenever she doesn't see me in front of her and invades my life wherever she see fits. I've a teammate that takes credit for what I do, and is a certified ass kisser. Sounds about fantastic right? Wanna know something more? My boss can't see that I'm drowning with my workload and she blatantly says that I'm not stressed. Come on, replying "K" to her messages is not clear enough? Geez. Okay, I guess that's about my work life.

The second thing that I wanted to vent about is EDUCATION. Here's another thing you should know, I'm currently pursuing my Masters Degree, FULL TIME. Yes, while working. And yes, I'm crazy.

Though I'm in my second semester, my studies have been going steady (no, I'm kidding, I'm actually dying). I have classes at night and weekends. Imagine when I have to juggle work and studies at the same time. Oh, my social media gig requires me to post items REAL TIME (yes, even when I'm driving, and YES, even when I'm shitting). What's a girl to do for a better life, huh? But my first semester grades were awesome. I managed to score 3.44, which stumped me because I was tired, busy and lazy the whole semester. Can you imagine what I would get if I concentrated more on my studies rather than work? Blergh, I hate this. But, having said that, I can't do anything about it since I have about a year and a half to finish this thing.


Ooookay, now moving to the mushy part of my life, LOVE. Besides work and studies, I'm committed to a relationship now. I don't know why I bother, purely because I can't even find time to go on dates or even text. He must be crazy enough to love me.

Things are not going so well with us. We've been talking about marriage, but we're getting nowhere with it. I am honestly nonchalant about his working his ass off, because at the end of the day, I know where I stand in his life. Though I'm the busy one, but I try to make time, I try to put in the effort of planning dates, anniversary celebrations and even dinner/supper plans.

But after having to put in effort more than what you get in return, it tires you. It wears you out. I can't say that I'm giving up, but I'm close enough. Right now, for me, I just wanna get on to the next phase of life, better job, graduate, and travel. How I desperately need to travel.

I miss him everyday, but saying it daily won't make a difference. I know, I've been through it for more a few years now. I'm used to it I guess, but sometimes I just break down for no particular reason but missing him. I don't see him doing anything about it and it hurts me, deeply.

I'm pushing 26. I have a job, in the process of purchasing my own car, moving out soon, and studying. Do you think I have too much on my plate?

Sometimes I just wish I can crawl into a hole and cry.

Because no one is built with an armour,

Its not what you speak, but what you murmur.

That's just it.

When you know you love someone you know you will never have.

That's heartbreaking.

When you're the only one trying to work things out in  a relationship.

That's depressing.

When you think you know someone, but in the end, you really don't.

That's disappointing.

When you think you're finally okay, and all of a sudden, you cry.

That's frustrating.

When you realize that all of this happened to you in a day.

That just changes everything.

...

Holding hands while you drive. To feel your arms around me, your hot breath on my neck, and your fingertips grazing my skin. I miss you.

Watching a movie while lying my head on your shoulders. Eating McDs while watching a movie. Letting me lie down on your lap when I'm tired. I miss you.

Getting your call after office hours only to hear you shout "alooo. behhh." Being disrupted by your spontaneous farts and burps. And constantly listening to you complaining about the youth nowadays. I miss you.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.



*continues ignoring the obvious*

Agape.

Its apparent that I can't do anything but hope at this point of time.

I can't tell you how much I miss you. I can't tell you why I'm still here.

But just know that I am. Here. With you.



And I miss you so.


I certainly hope you feel the same way.



I long for the feel of your fingertips on my skin, your lips on my forehead, your fingers going through my hair, and your spontaneous farts.


There's just something about you that makes it hard for me to let you go.


So I won't, for now.


See you soon, then.

Brevity.

I've been quiet for a while now. I guess things have been hectic with work and my personal life. I'm trying so hard to brave this storm. Where all the obstacles that I've been through and going through is high in pressure. Can't complain much though. There are more unfortunate people. I'm glad I got through this far. But the only question I have now is why am I still feeling like I'm lost and like something in my life is incomplete? Well, I guess I'l just wear my questions and leave it on for the time being. Okay I'm boring you. Toodles.

Binoculars.

Its destructive when the only time you can let out the kept anger, frustrations, and sadness is by reading a book or watching a movie with a plot of loss.

Its been a while since I've written anything significant about my life. About the stuff that really matters. Because ever since I've started full time work, I found myself missing something.

Something is always not right.

I don't feel sad, I don't feel happy, I just live.

Everybody says to get through life, you've got to suck it up and move on. I've taught myself that ever since I was in my teens. That made me who I am today. I consider myself reasonably calm and collected.

I only cry when no one is around, when I read, when I watch a movie. It gets depressing, when all I cry about is loss. Maybe there's something missing.

Maybe there's a loss that I don't know of.

If there isn't any, why else would I be so sensitive over the emotions and the plot?

Maybe I'm lost, still.

And maybe deep down inside I feel that all the good things in this world are at loss too.

I need to restore my faith in life. I need to, before it gets worse.

I need to feel genuinely happy. I desperately want to.

I need to feel the excruciating pain that's supposed to hurt me. I have to feel it.

But, sadly, all I feel is .... Emptiness.

End of story.

That's it.

I have left enough bad impressions.

I don't think I am fit to be a girlfriend.

No, I'm not being emotional, just realistic.

AbraCadabra, Vanish!

I had this realisation last night. Where I was talking to a guy I am dating, and I found myself talking honestly and very bluntly. And all he did was kept quiet, I had a sudden thought of; maybe all my past relationships didn't work because I have no filter to what I say.

All these time I thought I've been dating jerks, but in reality, it could be me. The cause of all failures could be me - the girl who doesn't know how to filter her thoughts and watch what she says.

I am sorry, for all the wrongs I've done, and all the things I've said.

I truly am.

This is exactly why I want to disappear a long time ago.

This is exactly why I don't think I'm going to end up happy.

This is exactly why I'd rather keep my thoughts and emotions to myself.

I've got to learn how to let things go along its own course.

I've got to shut up.

Maybe I've got to just ....... vanish.