Straight Up form the Bottom of my heart,

Not a day pass by without the feeling that I am actually lying to myself. I have no other way but to deal with it. I don't think that it's fair for Boyot, if I just left him hanging while I'm feeling over the moon.

But I also don't think that by giving him a chance to improve himself, it would improve my feelings for him. Its almost to non-existent by now. Yes, I still love him, yes, I still care for him, but I just think that all the love and care is actually from all the period that I stayed on with him. Next month, we are approaching two years of being together, but I don't really feel like it. He asked me to go to Bali with him and his friends in September, but I doubt that there will still be "us" in September.

Now I really don't know what I can do, as for I am scrambling my brains out to find out what I really want in life. Is it a relationship tat I'm contempt with, or just a simple life, with perks of being single and flirty. It struck me a couple of weeks back that I might jump into this relationship that I have now with Boyot because I was feeling super depressed, and he was there. I don't want the same thing to happen with dinosaur too.

Maybe I should wait and really think about what I feel about Boyot, and justify my actions in the future. I love him, I really do, but I'm done chasing him, and I'm done feeling like an ass for not accepting him for who he is, maybe I should just leave. Sigh

This feeling I have is as subtle as a shotgun, as heavy as a brick.

Can I just crawl into a hole and die now?

Spur of the moment thing.

I feel like I’m lying to myself if I say that I’m not in love. And it is obvious to my eyes, that I can’t utter the word “love u so damn much” anymore. A simple I love you would do for me.

Maybe because the heart is already broken from the conversation we had a couple of weeks back.

I maybe in love with someone else, and I maybe on cloud nine, but I must say with a heavy heart, it is not with you. He treats me like how a guy SHOULD treat a girl. He has his concerns. He cares. And you, on the other side, you care only for my physical being. You can’t provide the emotional attention I need. I’m so sorry, but I’m currently going through a phase where I’m beginning to realise that I have pretty fragile emotions, and they needed to be attended with tender, loving care. I’m stressed with my job, and you don’t seem to care, or even pretend to care. I don’t think I am happy with that.

I guess my mind already made up its choice. Its just that my heart is waiting for the right time to make a move.

Maybe it took me this long to realize, because all this while, I had faith in you. Now, it doesn’t seem real to me, it doesn’t seem logical. And I hate that. And even for a bit, I hate you for turning me into this egoistic monster. But I guess I needed that push, without you, I’d never be the woman I am now. So, I owe you an apology, for future occurances, and present happenings. Its just that I can’t see myself being happy with you.

FMA, CMS

Its been a while since I updated here. Super busy with finals. But after finals, I still can't find anything to write about here. Probably my mind is usually distracted. Hmmm. Right now, I'm currently feeling distraught, sad, angry, disappointed, and there's a bit of flattered in there somewhere.

I enjoy the company I have now, say the people who actually asks me how I'm feeling, people who flatter me, and people who asks me how was my day. But those questions were never from the one person I want to hear it from. Its depressing that I still hope for it, you know?

I had this nagging thought at the back of my head for months now, and a million after-thoughts to that particular thought. But usually, people say that the first thought is always the best, but now, I'm reluctant.

Practical training is less than a month now, I'm freaking out, and he doesn't even give me motivation and encouragement, yes I can get it from simply anyone, but I want to know if he still cares. If he still think that this "thing" we have still exists.

Blahblahblah, all this thoughts in my mind, is about a guy, yeah. Pathetic. Lame. Loser-ish. Call it as you see it, I don't care, and I'm kind of suffering and going through a rough patch. I just need all the support and holidays I can get.

"F my Ass, and Call Me a Sissy"
-One of my breakdown moments quote

Hey you,
I miss your presence in my life. Your friends can be there forever for you, but just know, I might not stick around that long if you keep on treating me like this.

Phew

you make me feel so good about myself. :)

with great gratitude

Erm......I don't know how to start, but I have the urge to blog about what happened.



So, here goes nothing...............




I can't believe I had the chance to feel what its like to be with you, because a year ago, I had this silly little crush on you, but I immediately brushed it off because I have a boyfriend, and I'm still with the same guy now, but you made me feel that I still have the swag, the ability to flirt, and the attractiveness and balance like you said.

I don't know why I'm blogging this, but its definitely an incident that I won't ever forget.

You told me that this 3 day period is not enough, and all I did for 3 days with you was laugh with you, be idiotic, and a friend. I guess we hit it off with the right notes, yes?

If you ever read this, and I know you won't, because of that fact that triggered my courage to write this. :)

But I owe u a huge thanks, definitely. :)

Drumbeats

I'd never thought that I'd miss you.

But I do.

I feel guilty missing you.

You were once a part of me, now you're avoiding me.
I thought we would be the type who'll always be friends after breaking up, but I guess not.

So yeah, stumbled upon a photo of you, I guess that's why I'm writing this.
*sigh

lend a hand

Its my birthday today.

Woop-dee-doo.
NOT!

I cried four times already, not counting the teary moments I had.


Yes. I am indeed not happy today.


Someone just shake me out of it and lend a caring hand? Please.

It'd be greatly appreciated. Because I'm getting desperate.

Ty

I didn't lift a freaking finger to help.










Thanks for noticing all my efforts.








Really.








Thank you.

Owl

no doubt I am turning into an owl.
It's 5.30 am my time, and I'm still blogshop-walking.

I can't stop looking at their shoes and bags.

GAH.

.kill.me.now.coz.i.really.need.my.sleep.

Not much update

Things are awfully hectic this time of year.
Ramadhan is here. :(


Moving on,
There's no reason why I haven't been updating .... wait, yes there is. I've got myself a writer's block. I'm so busy preparing my Academic Writing paperwork, and my Ad Campaigns, I've lost track of my cyber-social life, believe it, check my facebook. I update like once a week now. It's kind of depressing.

My studies are moving, on the ... right track, I suppose?

My relationship with the boyfie is going better than expected. It's getting stronger everyday. :)

Oh, and I got myself a brand NEW phone! One that doesn't go off after 2 mins of talk time. J20i or Sony Ericsson Hazel. Love the red. Love the Keypad. But the boyfie keeps on harassing me to change to Nokia C6. Gahhh. Ungrateful tubby.

As for friends go, I'm glad that I don't have to depend on anyone to live, you know. Except for my wives of course.

Okay, okay, enough of this crap.
I'll update with more "creative" stuff when I have the time and effort.

Until then, I'm fuckin out of here.