Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Its been a while since I updated here. Super busy with finals. But after finals, I still can't find anything to write about here. Probably my mind is usually distracted. Hmmm. Right now, I'm currently feeling distraught, sad, angry, disappointed, and there's a bit of flattered in there somewhere.

I enjoy the company I have now, say the people who actually asks me how I'm feeling, people who flatter me, and people who asks me how was my day. But those questions were never from the one person I want to hear it from. Its depressing that I still hope for it, you know?

I had this nagging thought at the back of my head for months now, and a million after-thoughts to that particular thought. But usually, people say that the first thought is always the best, but now, I'm reluctant.

Practical training is less than a month now, I'm freaking out, and he doesn't even give me motivation and encouragement, yes I can get it from simply anyone, but I want to know if he still cares. If he still think that this "thing" we have still exists.

Blahblahblah, all this thoughts in my mind, is about a guy, yeah. Pathetic. Lame. Loser-ish. Call it as you see it, I don't care, and I'm kind of suffering and going through a rough patch. I just need all the support and holidays I can get.

"F my Ass, and Call Me a Sissy"
-One of my breakdown moments quote

Hey you,
miss your presence in my life. Your friends can be there forever for you, but just know, I might not stick around that long if you keep on treating me like this.


you make me feel so good about myself. :)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

with great gratitude

Erm......I don't know how to start, but I have the urge to blog about what happened.

So, here goes nothing...............

I can't believe I had the chance to feel what its like to be with you, because a year ago, I had this silly little crush on you, but I immediately brushed it off because I have a boyfriend, and I'm still with the same guy now, but you made me feel that I still have the swag, the ability to flirt, and the attractiveness and balance like you said.

I don't know why I'm blogging this, but its definitely an incident that I won't ever forget.

You told me that this 3 day period is not enough, and all I did for 3 days with you was laugh with you, be idiotic, and a friend. I guess we hit it off with the right notes, yes?

If you ever read this, and I know you won't, because of that fact that triggered my courage to write this. :)

But I owe u a huge thanks, definitely. :)

Friday, October 1, 2010


I'd never thought that I'd miss you.

But I do.

I feel guilty missing you.

You were once a part of me, now you're avoiding me.
I thought we would be the type who'll always be friends after breaking up, but I guess not.

So yeah, stumbled upon a photo of you, I guess that's why I'm writing this.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

lend a hand

Its my birthday today.



I cried four times already, not counting the teary moments I had.

Yes. I am indeed not happy today.

Someone just shake me out of it and lend a caring hand? Please.

It'd be greatly appreciated. Because I'm getting desperate.

Saturday, August 28, 2010


I didn't lift a freaking finger to help.

Thanks for noticing all my efforts.


Thank you.

Friday, August 27, 2010


no doubt I am turning into an owl.
It's 5.30 am my time, and I'm still blogshop-walking.

I can't stop looking at their shoes and bags.


Sunday, August 15, 2010

Not much update

Things are awfully hectic this time of year.
Ramadhan is here. :(

Moving on,
There's no reason why I haven't been updating .... wait, yes there is. I've got myself a writer's block. I'm so busy preparing my Academic Writing paperwork, and my Ad Campaigns, I've lost track of my cyber-social life, believe it, check my facebook. I update like once a week now. It's kind of depressing.

My studies are moving, on the ... right track, I suppose?

My relationship with the boyfie is going better than expected. It's getting stronger everyday. :)

Oh, and I got myself a brand NEW phone! One that doesn't go off after 2 mins of talk time. J20i or Sony Ericsson Hazel. Love the red. Love the Keypad. But the boyfie keeps on harassing me to change to Nokia C6. Gahhh. Ungrateful tubby.

As for friends go, I'm glad that I don't have to depend on anyone to live, you know. Except for my wives of course.

Okay, okay, enough of this crap.
I'll update with more "creative" stuff when I have the time and effort.

Until then, I'm fuckin out of here.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I'm full of rage, anger and sadness. But I can't seem to put it in words. It's too hard to describe whats been going on, and what have I been feeling. People take me for granted too much. :(

But to generate a vague picture of how I'm feeling right now;

I'm loving profanity right this moment.

Entertain me.


okay, I thought I was gonna lose Whispers there for a sec. PHEW!

Friday, July 2, 2010


Classes start on Monday. *fml*

Wish me the best of luck with;

Fuck I hate being a student.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

This is how I really feel;

If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


Back Off, Slave-driver!

you just can't see me happy and/or free, can you?

Monday, June 21, 2010

Drop the World

No matter how many tears I've dropped,
No matter how coarse my voice sounds,

I just can't get away from this, can't I?
I feel like cursing whenever something bad happens.

Okay, this is bad, I've run out of patience.

It hurts, but I never show this pain you’ll never know
If only you could see just how lonely and how cold
And frostbit I’ve become, my back’s against the wall
When push come to shove, I just stand up and scream “Fuck ‘em all”

Saturday, June 19, 2010


do you know how does it feel to feel insecure all the time?

Well, I'm kind of going through that right now. maybe I'm pms-ing, but maybe I just have an irritating gut-feeling about a girl from the past. So yeah, lately, this girl has been calling my boyfriend, practically everyday, asking all these unnecessary questions where the answers are easily available from a totally different person.

She's a stewardess, I'm a student.
She was with him for 3 years, and we are going to be 16 months this 28th.
She is fair-skinned, well, I'm not.
she's soft-spoken, I'm loud.
She's smart, egoistic, and I'm blur and 'vulnerable' (so says my boyfriend)

So, you can imagine my worries when she calls him everyday, asking has he eaten, what he was up to, where can she find a place with good food. *iknow,likeWTFright?

Come on, this, coming from a girl who has a boyfriend that lives in the same area.

Why I feel so insecure, though I know I'm a better suit for my guy than she is, is because, she has the advantage of being his first gf, ever.*like,pffffft,obsessedmuch?

I'm not yet through spending my time with him, I feel ... how do you say, like the time I have with him all these months is insufficient, and I'm not able to let him go just yet. *iknowi'vegoneoverboardwiththis

I can't even see myself not being with him (for the time being). Right now, he's my best friend, my outlet, the apple of my eye. He treats me well, he jokes, he wins me over when he knows he pissed me off. He's perfect for my right-now. I don't dare to think about the future. Let's not waste my energy fussing over that, shall we?

Okay, I'm done rambling, I'm going to go off doing something to blow off steam.
Probably I'll be singing along to UKAYS, Search, Wings and Iklim.

I guess that covers it. My current state of mind; insecure and clueless.

Oh yea, P/S for the girl;
Back off my boyfriend, bitch. Watch out for Karma, we're bestfriends.

Friday, June 18, 2010


seriously, this is happening?

like seriously?



back again, with a loaded mind.

okay, first things first,
results didn't really sucked, i was just being dramatic. *long pause* i know, i can't help it.

my dad was admitted in the hospital, due to high blood pressure. this was during my finals. imagine what was i thinking then. thus explains the dramatic results. i was literally crying on my notes. like my notes had these huge blue splotches, your girl here is a softie. boo-hoo, too bad.

moving on,
had the best ever night out with my girlies and their boyfies. painted the town red. uncle chilli's, chulo's @ jaya one, and a drive through KL scenic club routes. haha.

err, today,
when i was out with the boyfie, his ex called, gave me a shudder, and i kept quiet the whole outing, obviously my mind was working on frictions to get to something, i dont know what, solution, explanation, but i was just scrambling through my mind for something. is that normal, okay, its not. call me crazy, i don't care. seriously, i had crazy eyes.

thats the recent happenings in my life (ones that i manage to remember)
my life is sad.
depressingly sad.

Friday, June 11, 2010

going in for the kill.

no access.
no life.

results sucked.
like, seriously sucked.

kill me now.

Saturday, April 24, 2010


I know very well the fact that shit happens,

but why does it always happen to me, and always at the wrong time?

Tomorrow is my first final paper for my finals, why am I so glum and on the verge of crying?

Tell yourself you're okay Hannah, and you will be.

That's just bullshit.


The distance made me realize that I can't bear waiting anymore.

I've done that for the past two years, and the consequences is catching up on me.

It's tough when you have to wait by your mobile for a person's text, but the texts never show, and you're the one who has to initiate the first move, and inquire. I'm tired of being the one with the effort. I know when you're on a job its hard for you to make time for me, but a simple "I love you" would be sufficient for me. I just need some sort of confirmation of your being. Safe or not.

Oh well. Fuck this shit. I can't stand being emo anymore. I'm fucking out of here.

You know where to find me. And if you do decide to find me, it better be a hell of a good reason why you've been silent. Thanks.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Whisper to me your curiosity, ask me anything;

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Death Comes A-Knockin'

When death comes looming, what do you think of?

Sometimes I can't help but wonder, what would the people around me do if I'm dead?
(I don't wish for it to happen, just one of those random thoughts)

Would they forget me?
Would they wish that I was still around?
Would they find replacements?

I have thoughts that go through my mind everyday before I go to sleep, thoughts that disturb me in my dreams. I dreamed that after my death, the boyfriend found someone else almost immediately, the family found peace. I can't imagine being gone from this world. Though I can be ungrateful at times,but its thoughts like this that makes me so thankful that I am still standing.

I hate the thought of life going on without me. Selfish, I know, but they mean so much to me, you know? I want to be there and see them change, see them grow up, see them blossom.

I might have put too much thought in this. I'm grateful I have friends, a boyfriend, and a functional (sometimes) family to let me have the chance in living my life.

. I just HATE the nightmares. I just HATE the thoughts

Scary much?

Saturday, April 17, 2010


I never felt.........

......this alone.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

And She Was Gone

Another excerpt from As Told By Ginger.
I am inspired.

She chose to walk alone
Though others wondered why
Refused to look before her,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.

She didn't have companions
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what she felt were
Puppet strings.

She longed to be a bird. That she might fly away.
She pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.

She longed to be a flame,
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

The trees, they say stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it said
The story played out well.

She spread her arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
She just let go of all she held...

And then she was gone.

I wanna look for the writers from the show.
They deserve standing ovations.

Splinter In My Heart

I was suddenly reminded of a cartoon series in Nickelodeon; As Told By Ginger.

That series was one hell of a story. It motivated me to write. Where have those days gone?

It's kind of sad really
Guess I'm the sort who'll linger
When the credits roll
I still can't leave a picture
The picture I hold
In my heart

It makes me mad really
Wish I could blame a twister
Or a hurricane,
Or my pesky sister
Wish I could blame away this feeling
In my heart

There's reasons left to fight
There's you to kiss good night
Hold on
Hold on tight

It makes me mad really
Wish I could blame a twister
Or a hurricane,
Or my pesky sister
Wish I could blame away this feeling
In my heart

Just a splinter in my heart.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Depression is just a state of mind.

Your words are just hints to your thoughts.
This I know, because I've been hearing them over and over and over again.

Stop, voice, stop.
You've messed with my feelings too much.

I need time, I need air.

I crave freedom.

Sunday, April 11, 2010


"you have to be considerate,
you have to think
........doing god knows what"

Seriously, am I a burden to you?

Cause if I am, I'll leave.

There's plenty more people who appreciates me besides you guys.

.....I think

Why is it do hard for you people to understand that I'll be out of your hair soon?

You guys just can't see me take a breath, huh?

Well, guess what,
there will come a time,
when you need me,
and I'll be GONE.

Fuck yeah you heard me right.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

hey jackass,

You're not exactly important to me anymore, so why am I still stalking you?

French Finals - Done with Doubt
Political-based article - Stalling
Media Planning Sched - Doing tonight.
Everything else - Fuck off.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


Life is anything but


Monday, April 5, 2010


I have no idea why I had this urge to Google him. I mean, why bring back the pain right? But yeah, I googled him, went through some of his photos, and something hit me. I am over it, the whole shit, the drama, the mood swings of him.

Big round of applause please people.

But, I can't seem to get over one thing;
Why the fuck am I reminiscing?
Maybe I AM over IT, but not him.

It couldn't be about him.
I'm over him too!
Now I might not sound so convincing.
That's weird, I thought I had my ego with me here for a sec.
Seem to have lost it.

Egoo, Eeeeego, where are youuuuu?
Oh, there you are, what are you doing under the pillow? You need to kick some ass now man.

Hell yeah, bring it on bastards, you've got no game on me.
I am on a mission, and to you; be damned.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Thank you

Lots of things on my plate now.


all I can think of is....

fuck my life.

It's not fair when you wait for someone, and they end up screaming at you.
It's not fair that all your hard work's credit goes to someone else.
It's not fair when you try to give up, but your heart tells you otherwise.
It's not fair when the things that run through you mind are problems, not real thoughts.

Fuck It.
Life's just isn't fair.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Listen to me

I'm tired.

Dead Beat.

Got that?

I'm fucking tired.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


When you people do this to me, it makes me realize how independent I am, how mature I am, and how I can handle any situation after a rough day in college. Some of you are older than me, some are younger, but that doesn't mean that you can take things for granted and push me around.

I'm in college for pete's sake. You people just laze around and socialize. What happened to your words 'I can survive not having help around the house'. What happened to that?

But yet again, I am 22, and living my life as if I'm married and has kids. So, this is pretty good training. Right? Though I don't need the extra chores and extra stress, I have to live with this. Every. Fucking. Day.

Then again, we'll see who survives later in life. I know I'm going to be the toughest, you guys taught me how. Let's just see who'll win the biggest life challenge to come, GROWING UP.

I'm sure I'm going to be independent, mature-thinking, and fucking survive. I can't wait for you guys to come to me for help in the future. I'll laugh it off and say 'Fuck you for messing with my supposedly carefree years, so now, go figure how to grow up'

Responsibility by all means being able to take care of stuff. You people can't even be responsible for your mistakes, how are you supposed to be responsible for yourself? Boo-hoo. Loser much?

Thanks retards, by being the lazy ass people you are, I am aware of my responsibility then, now, and in the future.

Now come and fuck around with my life.

Thursday, March 4, 2010


I can't shake this feeling I have.

I'm going to be alien to him, them, you.

I miss those days where all I have to worry about is how baggy my pants are, and how cool I speak.

I miss those days when I thought yo-yos was the must have item, and handball was the ultimate sport.

I miss those days when I can only speak one kind. No drama, no relationships, no crisis.

I miss those days where I used to jog over to 'Padang D' to play on the monkey bars, and show off those new skills I learned before.

I miss those days when I wore track pants and sweat pants everyday.

I miss those days when my idea of shopping was going down to the bookstore and buying new toys that I can throw away the day after.

I miss my childhood, I miss my pre-puberty ages.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Effing Idiot

These tears may fall,
This voice may scream,
The scream might echo,
and the echo might fade.

This light will shine,
in time the bulb will burn,
The spark we have will simmer,
The relationship we have will be gone.

No matter how hard we try,
No matter how much tears we shed,
The trust is gone,
and so will our mourn.

You, We, Us, Me.
What does that mean to you?

You're just like everybody else,
Figuring what I do revolve around you.

I have a life,
So will you have one, too?

Thursday, February 25, 2010


This post is totally unrelated to me. This is what my friend in College has been telling me about, and it somehow stuck me and inspired me to write this.

I've always thought that people should not judge other people just by the way they carry themselves, but these previous weeks, it made me realize that I have been witnessing these judgments right in front of me. Why didn't I notice it earlier? Why should I even bother?

Maybe I shouldn't be bothered, maybe I shouldn't give shit. But I do, it disturbs me so much, that it puts so many possibilities on my plate. Come on, just because someone is not pretty enough, not smart enough and doesn't have a winning smile and truckload of fancy clothes, doesn't mean they are not worthy of being acknowledged?

Silly, silly me. Maybe I'm too caught up with my workload that I over-think about this, maybe its not such a big deal after all? But just please, after you've said some mean things to me, you won't do what I did right? Cause that's just down right hypocrisy.

I might be overboard when I say this, but I hate the fact that I go to a college that is full of my own race. It's definitely depressing, and in someway or another, I think they're too typical.

Help yourselves and curse me for what I wrote, but I know this is happening anywhere.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Go Die


I know your parents have got your back, and you have the world backing you up.

and I am just another pushover that you like to spit on.

Thanks Bitch, you make me feel so appreciated.

I wanna go away. For. Ever.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Mind my french

When I'm trying to be reliable,



Fuck. I don't fucking need this right fucking now.

Just When, Just Because

Just when I think everything is going to be okay, I have nightmares.
Just when I think that I'm getting mature, I was shot down by other people.
Just when I think that I am ready to work, I overslept.

Just when I say I would do it, I got lazy.
Just when I dyed my hair, it goes haywire.
Just when I finally feel confident, somebody says I'm fat.
Just when I got tired of having people push me over, people suddenly acts nice.

Just because I'm not perfect, doesn't give you the right to hate me.
Just because I'm nice, doesn't give you the right to be mean to me.
Just because I'm slow at times, doesn't mean you can call me stupid.
Just because I'm in love, doesn't mean you can say I ignore you.

Just because I say I'm OK, it doesn't really mean that I am.

I maybe stupid, I maybe in love, I maybe imperfect, but I am me.
and I am contempt with that.

Monday, February 15, 2010


It's been a while since I blogged. Bla bla bla, busy with class and shit like that.

Just when you think things would go easy, you suddenly wake up and find yourself to be on a roller-coaster ride.

That's how I feel lately. Okay, I'm not going to be all emo here and now. I've written a few more fictions posts, but I can't find the scraps of paper that I've written it on, Lame, I know. I'll try and upload soon, promise. (I'm saying this as if I have tons of readers, Ha. Ha.)

Sayang ;
Just know what my day won't start the way I want it to if I don't get to stare in your eyes. :)
I love you like crazy.

Oh, this 28th will be my 1st anniversary with Boyot. :) Am loving every moment with him, though there are some annoying moments, but I'd want nothing more. Yes people, I am in LUUUURRRVVEEEE. *hihihihihiihihhi

@ngELsZzZz ;
You guys are my everything, man. My tears, my laughter, and my crime partners. Though we have our Bimbo moments, I still love you guys to the core. :)

Will update when I have something REAL to post.

Thursday, January 21, 2010


I lost control.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


I miss you, Boyot.


Why do people like to make simple things tough? We should be able to work things out, don't you think? Well, I'm not one to give out wise words. I'm a screw up myself. But, for other people, just please, push anything negative aside, and think about what you have now, the relationships, the friendships, and the family bond. Think it through that you feel that everything's enough, and there's no need for a disaster to destroy what you have now. It may look like I'm crapping, but you know there's a solid point in here somewhere.