Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Fun-Sucker!

Dinosaur, I miss you.


These past few days have been ... moody? I snap at people easy, I get lost in my own thoughts and end up staring into space, when in reality, people around me are conversing and laughing. I'm such a fun-sucker. I think my wives know what I'm going through. I feel suffocated, like I'm trapped. But I can't exactly explain why and how do I feel that way.

On a brighter note, Bruno Mars is coming, April 10th, so they say. I want, okay cross that, I NEED to go. I want to sing out loud, bawl my eyes out and have fun with my wives, IF they go. Sigh. I need more time away from the office, the family, the ex.

Can't wait for next tuesday, a whole week of sleeping till noon, and sleep late. :) or maybe I can go for dates or stuff like that. I've been wanting to watch a romantic comedy, but there's none at the cinemas. My luck, huh?

I told the wives that I want to look sexy, not clothes-wise, probably physically. (Yeah, like that's ever gonna happen) My cheeks, urghhhh, my cheeeekssssss. Okay, I'm crapping now. There's nothing to do at the office, and the weather is superb for naps, and I'm dying. Kthxbye.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Just cause I'm bored.

THREE NAMES THAT FRIENDS CALL YOU:
HanHan
Han
Hana

THREE MOST IMPORTANT DATES IN YOUR LIFE:
1st Sept
21st June (Dont ask me why)
.......

THREE WAYS TO BE HAPPY:
Getting high
Dancing
Heart to Heart talks

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS AS FOR NOW:
Again, Bruno Mars
Runaway, Bruno Mars
La la la, LMFAO

THREE PERSONS (group) YOU MISS FROM THE PAST:
Diploma Friends
high school sweeties
bowling teammates

THREE GIFTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE:
iPad please.
moolah!
wisdom. bahahhahaa

THREE OF YOUR FAVOUITE HOBBIES:
writing. yeah. yam a nerd.
reading. proof of how nerdy i am.
singing in the car. alone.

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FOR VACATIONS:
Paris again please.
Australia/New York
Koh Phangan!

THREE MALLS YOU USUALLY GO TO:
Sunway Pyramid
One Utama
Summit

THREE FAVORITE DRINKS:
Vanilla Coke
Gatorade Grapefruit
Starbucks' Chocolate Cream Chip.

THREE THINGS FOUND IN YOUR BAG:
Handphones
Purse
Glasses case. (more proof: nerd)

THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
Black
Beige
Orange

THREE HANGOUTS:
Darusland
Delicious, if we're feeling generous.
Lorong!

TOP THREE FOODS YOU LOVE SO MUCH:
Ribs. yes. i. am. fat.
Sushi!
Desserts!

TOP THREE FACES YOU LIKE:
Rupert Grint
Theo Walcott
Adam Brody

THREE THINGS YOU'LL BE DOING TOMORROW:
Working
Working
Dying because of work.

TOP THREE WHY YOU ARE BUSY AT THIS TIME:
Work
Work
House-Duties.

Sigh

Lets runaway to the place, where love first found us.
Runaway, Bruno Mars.


Okay. After all the whining and nagging, I'm single. Yes, I am.

A couple of my friends say that we'll get back together someday. But yeah, he's changing, and somehow, its disturbing. I mean, we're still friends, but then, he wants me to text him everyday, and be close to him and all. What's the point of breaking up? But yeah, I think I've hurt him enough, so I'll just go with this. Maybe one day he'll get the point, or maybe it will be the other way around.

Currently, I am so negative that I suck the fun out of everything I do, my job is supposed to be my dream job, but yeah, I found a way to ruin that, too. sigh. I have no idea why do I have to be such an ass about everything. Maybe I just need time for myself and leave for a couple of days. Just pack up and leave.

I am tired. So tired. I want to be numb for a while. I don't expect much from people nowadays, I just think about myself, sounds selfish, but I think I'm tired of putting other people ahead of myself all these while.

I just want to sleep. I just want my dreams. I just need to runaway.

I need time. For me. Time for me.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Finally. Not.

Thanks to msx, a reader in Canada, my Wives, and My sister-in-law for motivating me to have that talk with Boyot.


I finally told him how I felt, and what I really wanted out of this relationship, which is;

BALANCE.

But his reply was exactly what I expected. He told me he couldn't provide the right balance that I needed, so I was a bit disappointed by that. I don't know what else to say, so I asked him what did his heart tells him to do, he just said:

"In order to keep our relationship happy, I would change for you. Yes, I'm lying to myself, I'm most myself when I'm with my friends, but not with you, but if this is what I have to do, then I'm willing"

BUT

in my head was,

"if you feel like you're lying to yourself, then what about me?"

So. I replied.

"I didn't say I wanted you to change, its just I want the Balance, and you can't give me that. I would also be lying if I said I'm okay with you not being able to give me that. Of all the things I said, I think this is the thing that matters to me most, so when you tell me that, I don't know how to react, what to do, and what to say"


His reply was

"I did change, for you, you have to accept it, but if you can't, then you decide, I don't know if there's anything else I can do"

I left it at that.
I'm lost.


How can he be so .... ignorant? He can't even try to balance? Sigh. I'm beyond disappointed right now. I guess my heart AND mind knows what its supposed to do, huh?

Internship.

Today marks the 11th day I'm interning for Krakatua, and Avertising Agency in Menjalara.

That reminds me, where's everyone? hmmm. Whatever.

The first two weeks was hectic as hell. Coming on to my 3rd week, things slowed down. A LOT.

I still have personal issues to deal with, but lucky I'm not the type who lets personal matters interfere with my work life.

Sigh.

I hate working. Can I just further my studies instead?

Monday, January 17, 2011

Straight Up form the Bottom of my heart,

Not a day pass by without the feeling that I am actually lying to myself. I have no other way but to deal with it. I don't think that it's fair for Boyot, if I just left him hanging while I'm feeling over the moon.

But I also don't think that by giving him a chance to improve himself, it would improve my feelings for him. Its almost to non-existent by now. Yes, I still love him, yes, I still care for him, but I just think that all the love and care is actually from all the period that I stayed on with him. Next month, we are approaching two years of being together, but I don't really feel like it. He asked me to go to Bali with him and his friends in September, but I doubt that there will still be "us" in September.

Now I really don't know what I can do, as for I am scrambling my brains out to find out what I really want in life. Is it a relationship tat I'm contempt with, or just a simple life, with perks of being single and flirty. It struck me a couple of weeks back that I might jump into this relationship that I have now with Boyot because I was feeling super depressed, and he was there. I don't want the same thing to happen with dinosaur too.

Maybe I should wait and really think about what I feel about Boyot, and justify my actions in the future. I love him, I really do, but I'm done chasing him, and I'm done feeling like an ass for not accepting him for who he is, maybe I should just leave. Sigh


This feeling I have is as subtle as a shotgun, as heavy as a brick.

Can I just crawl into a hole and die now?

Friday, January 7, 2011

Spur of the moment thing.

I feel like I’m lying to myself if I say that I’m not in love. And it is obvious to my eyes, that I can’t utter the word “love u so damn much” anymore. A simple I love you would do for me.

Maybe because the heart is already broken from the conversation we had a couple of weeks back.

I maybe in love with someone else, and I maybe on cloud nine, but I must say with a heavy heart, it is not with you. He treats me like how a guy SHOULD treat a girl. He has his concerns. He cares. And you, on the other side, you care only for my physical being. You can’t provide the emotional attention I need. I’m so sorry, but I’m currently going through a phase where I’m beginning to realise that I have pretty fragile emotions, and they needed to be attended with tender, loving care. I’m stressed with my job, and you don’t seem to care, or even pretend to care. I don’t think I am happy with that.

I guess my mind already made up its choice. Its just that my heart is waiting for the right time to make a move.

Maybe it took me this long to realize, because all this while, I had faith in you. Now, it doesn’t seem real to me, it doesn’t seem logical. And I hate that. And even for a bit, I hate you for turning me into this egoistic monster. But I guess I needed that push, without you, I’d never be the woman I am now. So, I owe you an apology, for future occurances, and present happenings. Its just that I can’t see myself being happy with you.