Monday, January 17, 2011

Straight Up form the Bottom of my heart,

Not a day pass by without the feeling that I am actually lying to myself. I have no other way but to deal with it. I don't think that it's fair for Boyot, if I just left him hanging while I'm feeling over the moon.

But I also don't think that by giving him a chance to improve himself, it would improve my feelings for him. Its almost to non-existent by now. Yes, I still love him, yes, I still care for him, but I just think that all the love and care is actually from all the period that I stayed on with him. Next month, we are approaching two years of being together, but I don't really feel like it. He asked me to go to Bali with him and his friends in September, but I doubt that there will still be "us" in September.

Now I really don't know what I can do, as for I am scrambling my brains out to find out what I really want in life. Is it a relationship tat I'm contempt with, or just a simple life, with perks of being single and flirty. It struck me a couple of weeks back that I might jump into this relationship that I have now with Boyot because I was feeling super depressed, and he was there. I don't want the same thing to happen with dinosaur too.

Maybe I should wait and really think about what I feel about Boyot, and justify my actions in the future. I love him, I really do, but I'm done chasing him, and I'm done feeling like an ass for not accepting him for who he is, maybe I should just leave. Sigh

This feeling I have is as subtle as a shotgun, as heavy as a brick.

Can I just crawl into a hole and die now?

1 comment:

msx said...

Sometimes, as hard as it is, you have to force yourself to be alone so that you can grow. It's difficult especially when you are accustomed to getting this special support. But if you don't feel the same way about him like you used to, you both deserve to face the truth. Take your time on coming to such decision but don't prolong it either. I know it's random for a stranger to comment on your blog on such a personal topic but I kind of understand where you are coming from. Make time for yourself. You will feel lonely(because I've gone through this) but it will feel good at the same time. He will hurt and so will you but it's better then living a lie and letting it pile up further. Right now just focus on yourself and getting things sorted out in your mind. Hope it works out for you!