Not a day pass by without the feeling that I am actually lying to myself. I have no other way but to deal with it. I don't think that it's fair for Boyot, if I just left him hanging while I'm feeling over the moon.
But I also don't think that by giving him a chance to improve himself, it would improve my feelings for him. Its almost to non-existent by now. Yes, I still love him, yes, I still care for him, but I just think that all the love and care is actually from all the period that I stayed on with him. Next month, we are approaching two years of being together, but I don't really feel like it. He asked me to go to Bali with him and his friends in September, but I doubt that there will still be "us" in September.
Now I really don't know what I can do, as for I am scrambling my brains out to find out what I really want in life. Is it a relationship tat I'm contempt with, or just a simple life, with perks of being single and flirty. It struck me a couple of weeks back that I might jump into this relationship that I have now with Boyot because I was feeling super depressed, and he was there. I don't want the same thing to happen with dinosaur too.
Maybe I should wait and really think about what I feel about Boyot, and justify my actions in the future. I love him, I really do, but I'm done chasing him, and I'm done feeling like an ass for not accepting him for who he is, maybe I should just leave. Sigh
This feeling I have is as subtle as a shotgun, as heavy as a brick.
Can I just crawl into a hole and die now?