Thursday, July 31, 2008


Its been a while since I last uploaded my blog. (walaupun baru 4 hari). While writing this, I am actually trying to remember what I wrote just now, when I was in the Cyber Cafe. The stupid system broke down and ll my writings were gone. Padah pegi CC dalam UiTM kan.

Okay. I'm just going to move on. Tak nak berleter dah. Hmm. My past week has been a disaster.
I am sick of the daily routine hat i keep on going thorugh. Every semester, there has got to be one problem with one of my group members. And also, every semester, there has got to be one lecturer yang suka buat palat.

I know its the ups and downs of being a student, but I just can't take it anymore.

Lately, I haven't been in the right mood for everything. I haven't been eating right, concentrating in class (tu la quiz aku agak teruk kan tadi). Double damn. I am in no mood for good laughs, relationship problems, classes, studies. Senang cerita, semua benda.

Another thing I don't get, I don't understand why I have to report whatever I do but some people won't have to and don't actually do it. WTfish? Aku pun tak tau aku cakap pasal ape.

*runs around screaming*

yes, I am being ungrateful.
*slaps myself*

Ya Allah Yang Maha Besar,
kembalikanlah kekuatanku untuk terus belajar dan beribadat.
sedarkanlah aku dari lamunan,
berikan aku kekuatan untuk mempercayai diriku kembali.

Monday, July 28, 2008


I have no idea what to write in here today, but I still have things to tell. -_-"

I just got back from my class trip to Port Dickson last night. It was a tiring trip. We left the campus at around 3.30, because Zul and I was handling this junior event for our event management course. The event was a blah. We had to be there, at the hall at 7.45. So can you just imagine what time do I have to get up. Right after we had finished the event, we were picked up by Izwan and left with Raiha tailing us.

We got to PD at around 5. We grabbed lunch, we played beach football, (the boys and I) and I was forced (note the word force) to ride the Banana Boat. It was a VERY scary ride. The fact that my life jacket kept on unbucklibng itself, and I don't know how to swim makes it even more scarier. But I had my fair share of fun. Right after my Banana Boat ride, I THINK i had a fight with yen. I cried for a minute, literally, and stopped. I had to stop being stupid and learn how to have fun and be flexible sometime.

That night we had a Barbeque. It was even more tiring since most of my classmates just stood around, eating, while some others had to prepare the food. My home-made brownies was a hit. :) There was a group of obnoxious guys beside our barbeque pit, they were having theuirs to, but it was annoying, because the guys were kind of harassing my girl classmates, but some of the girls seem to enjoy the attention. Blagh.

The same night, I turned in early, I was friggin tired. I woke up the earliest, lucky since my throat was feeling nasty. Ugh. Got up, tidied up the apartment, (it was fcuking messy, i tell you). It was like cleaning up after school kids. I even made breakfast for them. -_-" Finally, at 8.30, Izwan, Echa, and I went for the swimming pool. After we checked out of the apartment, wee grabbed lunch and we parted, Izwan, Echa, Zul and I went for karaoke. It was kind of fun. ^_^ The rest went to Teluk Kemang again, and headed straight back to campus.

We got back at the campus at 7.30. We had dinner in the campus and we headed back to our rooms. I was too tired and slept at 9.30. Slept like a baby since I didn't hear anything. Just the sound of my alarm. Now, I have this raspy voice and runny nose. My body is aching all over an aftermath of the Banana Boat ride, swimming, and beach football. And I hate it. ~_~ It even hurts when I cough and laugh.

Now, there's a recap of what happened on my weekend. I'm too tired to even concentrate on writing this and paying attention to the lecturer up front. Wish me good luck this week, I have a very terrible feeling about it. Blagh.


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

self-centered for a second

mengapa aku bencikan perubahan?
padahal perbahan is a good thing..

maybe aku tak mampu terima news yang mengejutkan, or attitude yang berlainan. if ade perubahan berlaku depan aku, make it slow and steady, not all of a sudden.

aku langsung tak boleh terima orang yang rapat dengan aku berubah sekelip mata, just like that.
close friends, boyfriend, family members.

it's heartbreaking, really.
they really don't know what i'm going through.

i may sound self-centered right now, but if you could just put yourself in MY shoes for a while, you know what the deal is. all the people i trusted, changed. at the speed of light, i tell you.

and now,

i don't feel like i want to be myself anymore.

i have to change.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


Am at home, wondering about things I should have thought about earlier this year. When I was drafting out my wish list and resolutions. I am currently having the flu, which is really weird, since I hardly get sick. This time, my health and my mind is attacking me with questions I know I can't answer, and medications I know I hate.

I feel depressed again, I thought everything was looking up. But I am clearly wrong.

I want to be normal again, like in my previous blogs. So badly need the boyfriend too. He's been acting weird these past few weeks. I hate it. I want things to be normal. I hate changes. Boo-hoo for me.

I stumble and fall,
but I mean these words.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Week Three, day one.

Guess where am I at?

the library. AGAIN.

Week 3

Here I am again, in the class lab, the first class of the week.

I got a disturbing call last night, it was from my sister. She was distraught and she made me realise that it's been almost a month now that my brother hasn't come home. I'm studying in Melaka, and my sister is in Nilai. But we still find time to come back home and meet our parents.

She got me thinking about my brother's whereabouts and his health. Honestly, I am a bit worried, eventhough he hurt my feelings. He chose that bitch from his family, and that, is a fact that I cannot tolerate. But, I would love to watch my mom be happy again, with all her kids under one roof, and actually doing something with their lives.

Moving on to next subject, this week I only have 3 days of classes. :D
Going back tomorrow. Coming back here on Thursday. Am excited. :)

So far, proposals done, zero.
Assignments submitted, one.
Assignments in the to-do list, plenty.

Will catch up soon. Turrah. :)

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Day Four of Week Two.


back again.

it seems tht i have nothing better to do here. i keep on updating my blog eventhough there's not much to be updated about. i am in again, the library, i've been here since last week, and honestly, for two years plus i sutdied in thuis campus, i never really went to the library as frequent as this.

my juniors must think ia m this geeky senior who goes to the library everyday and likes to sleep.
hahaha. but who cares. i intend to prove myself that i can kick ass in all my assignments this year, even if it means i ahve to be a nerd and i have fork out a lot of cash.

i slept at 5 last night. i was summarizeing this 25 page journal. after all the brain squeezing, i finally submitted the assignment, bearing the fact that the assignment i submitted was worth nothing to my finals. it's just to get us pumped up and save the pregnant lady's workto research for the meaning of research.

and lemme tell you, it wasn't easy. i woke up early today to come here. (the library) after having done my assignment, i went for lunch. and came back here again. luckily the internet is not that turtle-slow type. :)

now i'm cramming myself for my presentaiton of types of events later.

i am striving to be back home and sleep till noon.

and i am also trying to lose weight. i look like a balloon now, wey!
tak sexy la! hahaha. and am also improving myself in the realtionship sector, because i have been apologizing for the things that he started, and he said i was stubborn because i can't understand him that much. apada. itulaa. nak sangat bagi commitment. kan dah kena sacrifice banyak benda. nasib baik la aku sayang dia tahap gaban.


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Week Two, Still.

it's been what, two days since my last post?

i thought this week was going to be okay, but i was wrong. i didn't think when i skipped a pregnant lady's class, it would be like she wouldn't even notice. yes, she didn't notice, but she did give us, the whole class craploads of assignments that she said was easy. yeah, right.

i had migraines when i heard about the assignment. currently, i'm wasting preciuos lepak time at the cafe with some laughable friends. also, wasting cyberspace. (ikut pe'ah) haha. i am looking for journals that i haven't even heard of. am currently in the campus library. which is very cold and somehow the access is fast here, at night. prolly because during the daytime all the computers were full.

i so badly want a broadband line. oh, the acces to techlology would be at the palm of my hand. (evil laugh follows).

going back in two days time. having the hardest time to concentrate and get my ass to morning classes. but i have to. aku kena naikkan CGPA aku kan. haritu dah jatuh macam nangka busuk la pulak. memalukan betul.

gotta go. library is closing down in a few minutes.
and i still haven't founf what i'm looking for.

damn cyberspace and its technology.


Monday, July 14, 2008

Week Two

I just got back from my oh-so lovely home last night. I didn't feel like coming back to Lendu, but there's no other way. I am in my PUB351 class again. With a soaring headache after a week of not enough sleep. I spent my weekend going shopping. Like I had thousands in my pocket. I ended up having just enough cash to survive for the week. Oh well, the better for me. Now I don't have to go on a diet.

Assignments are crashing down. I tell you. Loadsss.
It's time that i have to get my ass worked out.
Before i stress out and go blank.

The distance between the boyfriend and I is doing our relationship some good. We got closer in plentiful ways. I finally have a valid reason to saty in UiTM. Besides studying. :)

The lecturer just walked in, i have to start flipping my books now, turrah!

oh, so much assignments,
so little of the need.

Monday, July 7, 2008


Gd Day. :)

I am in my Multimedia Design and Production class.

One thing about this class is, it is SCARING me.
The way the lecturer talks about my assignments and proposals,

We would have pop quizzes on how to use Flash.
And only God knows how little i know about Flash.

The lab is friggin cold, it's a Monday morning, and it's FIRST class of the semester.
Imagine how slow my brain is lagging right now. (-_____-")

I am too used with waking up late and reading novels instead of waking up early and reading textbooks. But I'll have to learn to be a student again, and soon! I'm planning to increase my CGPA. Insya'Allah.

My daily solat will Insya'Allah be back to normal. Hopefully.

I hate Monday classes.
Oh, so much hate.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Goodbye Technology.

New semester is here.

Lendu will be my hometown from now on.

goodbye, technology.

Friday, July 4, 2008


When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye,
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry.

You float like a feather,
In a beautiful world,
and i wish i was special,
You're so fuckin' special.

But i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo,
What the hell am i doing here,
I don't belong here.

I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control,
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul.

I want you to notice,
When i'm not around,
You're so fuckin' special,
I wish i was special.

But i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo,
What the hell am i doing here,
I don't belong here.

She's running out again,
She's running out,
She run run run runs..

Whatever makes you happy,
Whatever you want,
You're so fuckin' special,
I wish i was special..

Iut i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo,
What the hell am i doing here,
I don't belong here,
I don't belong here..

current obsession;
Damien Rice's version of Radiohead's Creep

beautiful, just beautiful.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

let me be.

dear blood relatives,

this is for you guys.

what if i wanted to fight?

what if i wanted to surrender?

what if i wanted to die?

what ifs.

i don't think my family will ever understand me.
they will never take me seriously.

I'm just someone they know.
I'm just someone they look for when they're stressed.

I'm not someone they share happy news with.
I'm not someone they look up to.

this makes me want to take out my razor again, you know?
this pain won't seem to go away, no matter how hard i try not to think about it.

sometimes i feel like i would be better off without them.

i'd rather be with my friends, who can actually talk to me about things.
who actually listen to me, and make me happy.

i always think that I'd be homesick if I'm not at home, but what's the use if you come home, after a few weeks, and your so called family greets you with screams and curses? is it worth all the wait to come home? is it worth the tiredness of the journey? after all the kick ass assignments and finals, you come back home to finally relax and have fun with your family, and they don't seem to give a shit about you?

this is basically why i want to move out of my house and find somewhere abroad to study. i don't care if they like or not. i may need a few years away from them. most probably, if i study somewhere in the US or UK,(i have my plans, insya'Allah), they'll come visit me and it won't be because of me, they'd just visit so that they can go on holidays. i could already see how they're going to treat me, then.

i know them already, after 20 years.
i just realized that they don't know me at all.
all they know is that I'm emotional. do they know that it's all because of them?
do they know that I'm getting stronger?
and every time i come back home, they flatten my strength to become a whole person?

what if i drop dead on the floor?
what if i was found suddenly hanging from the ceiling fan?
what if i was found dead in a ditch somewhere?

don't give a shit about me, please.
let me be.

please just ignore me being here.
the more you acknowledge me, the more i am hurt.

I'm sorry
i just know i'm not good enough for all of you.

sorry, sorry.
let me be.