Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Mengapa.

Dikala hati berduka lara, air mata menjadi senjata.

Dikala hati bersuka ria, mengapa tidak kedengaran gelak dan tawa?

Masihkah hati terasa duka?

Seringkali terjadi, apa yg terbuku di hati.

Disimpan sampai mati.

Lumrah manusia egois, bukan?

Luluh jiwa, runtuh harapan.

Apakah sukar untuk berikan peluang pada perasaan?


Egois. Bodoh.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Nutcase.

At first I thought that everything will go well, everything will run oh so smoothly. But, I guess I expected too much out of life.

I don’t know what I did – until people can walk in and out of my life, trampling over my soul, my kindness and repaying me with hopeful promises and hurtful actions. I don’t think anybody deserve that kind of treatment.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

So yeah.

Emotional whirlwind, psychological tornadoes, and physical extremes.

Basically its a summary of what I've been through these past couple of months.

I was in a relationship, I broke it off, I'm single, again in a relationship, again it didn't work out. My brain is on overdrive since I can't stop thinking about work, and my body? I've been pushing it too far with all the work that I've to deal with.

Sometimes I wonder, what is it in life that we work so hard to achieve? Success? Contentment? Happiness? I get lost in finding my own goal in life. I don't see ahead anymore, I just move forward. You know, like one of those programmed autobots that's designed to go straight and just that? Yeah, I'm currently like that.

I feel like I need to write more, read more. But because of my job, my brain goes dead. I write for money now, not passion. I hate that fact. I love words, I love literature of any kind, but why did I stop doing all that. Look at what I've become. Weighted shoulders, dragging feet, like the whole world's responsibilities is for me to bear, for me to meet.

I can't stop whining now. I mean, in my blog. In real life I'm soulless. Really, I am. I find entertainment on the net, and the solitude of being with friends. That's it.


Maybe I'm at a point in life where everything is monotonous. Boring. Bland.

Guess I just have to get off my ass and do something about it, huh?

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Uhm

I realised that this space needs more pictures.

I need to take more photos.
And I need new experiences.


I just want to live my life.


Maybe I should move to a whole new page.
Start fresh.

WordPress anyone?

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Please.

Please, just please.



Leave me alone and don't waste my time.

I'm hurt enough.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Hey.

"that is why i ckp blah je. nobody is good by genetic its always by experience, confidence and smartness."

"just leave if ur not happy u have much potential dont waste it."


Thank you.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Motherfuckin' Monster

You drink down the bottles,
Of indifference to stress.

We all need our escape, to get our mind off this reality we call life. But however hard we try, we can't seem to. We get going, we drink, we smoke, we dream, we sleep, we cry, we play, we give up. Nothing seems to be working. We just stay in it. This reality, this universe.

I have no clue why lately I've been doing everything wrong. At least I feel like its wrong. From my point of view, from others, I have no clue. I really don't want to know anyway. I feel like leaving this place and move to another. I can't help but to feel invisible and a pushover.

All the breakdowns I've had just made me feel I can do better, I can become something better. I'm sorry, if you broke me, that just made my ego bigger, stronger, more resilient. I am not someone you would want to push around. I am not someone you would want to mess around with. I am not someone you would want to disappoint. I am not someone you can see as fragile. I have my moments, and if so happens that I burst, you better watch your back.

I'll be as cold as ice, I'll be as mean as a bully. I'll be as destructive as TNT. Don't push your luck, I'm tolerant when I want to be, right up until my limits, and I'm done with you.

Fuck it, I'm here to live my life. I don't care if suddenly I start behaving like a bitch, you saw it coming. Don't tell me I didn't warn you.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Memory Lane, Again.

This was what went through my head last night. I just had the urge to write it all down before I forgot about it.

Mr Good Looking, you meant a lot to me, once upon a time. Well, you still mean a lot.

You were sarcastic, caring, strict, loving, cuddly, good looking and egoistic. I have no idea why we didn’t work out. Probably it was for the best. I miss you sometimes. When I think about the times you would come over to my place all the way from Sepang. Just to share a couple of smokes with me. You would drive all the way to take me out for dinner eventhough you weren’t feeling well just to make sure I ate. You would drop by my office during lunch, just cause I asked you to. You held my hand and kissed it when you drive. Everytime you drove. You missed that once, and you texted me with a sad face, telling me that you didn’t get to kiss my hands.

How can I not fall for you? Tell me. You surprised me with a book from my favourite author! When I went to the loo and came back, there it was, the little blue book and ice cream. You picked me up from work once eventhough you were in KL and I was in Kepong. Quite far of a trip considering the traffic.

We exchanged I love yous.

But I guess something changed your mind. Something in your heart triggered, something in mine too. We parted, but the memories are seared on to my brain, my heart. I won’t forget the nights we spent watching movies, cuddling, having McD takeouts.

I won’t forget you. Not ever.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Honest to boot

Sometimes I don't know why I bother writing. Some people may find it offensive, and I just come off as an emotional bitch. But hey, I'm only human. I do everything everybody does. I curse, I cry, I get hurt, I give up, I try. Life goes on, whatever I write is basically what goes through my mind. I don't really let out my emotions - really deep emotions, whenever I write. But fuck it, I can write whatever fuck I want. Its just a way for me to express. I'm just being me.


So here goes, after my "Walking Down Memory Lane" post. I had an inkling that Mr Goodlooking read it. And if my guess is right, he tweeted about him being scolded through a blog. Well, any sane people would see that I was just reminiscing whatever that is left of me and him. I don't hold grudges, at least I don't show it. I'd rather keep it to myself. Why would I expose the fragile part of myself and make myself look vulnerable?

Well, he has his freedom of speech, I have mine. I don't want to judge, but I guess he took my post too seriously and read it in a negative connotation, I wouldn't know.

I'm in love with words. I really am, but whenever there's a negative feedback on my writing, I tend to take into account and try and improve. There's no way in hell anybody can make me change the way I write. I've grown to realise the best way to be happy about yourself is when you stop thinking about others.


My oh my, look how am I now.
All grown up. *pukes*

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

NEXT!




Singapore - next career move?

Sounds tempting.





"Oh, hello. I'm a copywriter based in Singapore"
Says my imagination to my curiosity.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Walking down memory lane.

Hello there. Today I would like to let out everything that Mr. Goodlooking and I did. I think it's good that I finally want to talk about it, and let it out. I know that after this post, I won't dwell in the past anymore, because tonight is going to change everything. ;)


I didn't how we could connect and go out and have supper and his ciggie breaks. It started off with just BBMing, and it didn't stop. We would continue until late, and sleep, waking up to a new BBM message waiting to be read. It went on for a couple of weeks, until he finally asked me out, for a casual hang out. I didn't immediately say yes, because apart from BBMs and Twitter conversations, we never really spoke to each other in real life. So yeah, one day I decided to go for supper with him. He was charming enough to pick me up, but a total pain in the ass when he started teasing me during supper. I didn't mind though, it eases the awkwardness. That night when we hung out for supper, was the first time we spoke to each other, on the phone and face to face. I still remember it, still fresh, the memories.

Then all the stories came out, he asked me about his ex, I told him about mine. We shared opinions on a lot of things. We debated, we agreed, we bickered, we talked. True enough this "thing" we had, ended all too soon. But, I had foreseen it coming, so I took the matter very calmly. I freaked for a bit, then I started to miss him, but I didn't look back. Except for this one time, I was stupid or dumb, I don't know, I texted him saying that I missed him. Oh my, stupid I was. But I was glad I said it out loud. At least I know I'm not the egoistic one.

Mr Goodlooking and I lasted less than half a year, a few months, mind you, but it was one of the most emotional non-relationships I've ever had. EVER. It meant a lot to me. Still means a lot.

Anyhoo, things ended quite surprisingly fast. There's these few weeks I've been busy at work and at home, and whenever he calls me, I never seem to be available. And he made a big deal out of that, he told me I was coming up with excuses and such. And at that time, I was agitated. I didn't even want to go on. So I said, okay, I'm leaving, whatever you want. And that was it for me. I don't mind being friends with him, but anything more than that, I can't see it happen.

His text said that "I deserve someone better" and in deep honesty, I really think I do. Because whatever I did for him, seem to never be enough. I had no idea how to make him happy. We cuddled, watched a movie, and stuff like that, but I can never make him happy fully. I don't think its fair too, is what I told him. I knew it won't work, I elaborated more. And he said, "whatever we are, its not fair". Yeah, I know, stupid I was.

He once said he wants me to be his "girl". Whatever fuck that meant. I was touched, and honoured, but whenever I screwed something up unintentionally, he would go mental, I try to do whatever to please him, until I really couldn't take it, I decided. Once and for all.

I still remember asking him when we were simply watching TV;
Me: "You sayang I tak?" (Do you love me?)
Him: "Sayang la, why?" (I do, why?)
Me: "Good, because I'm gonna break your heart" *without looking at his face*
Him: *turns to face me* "huh? apa you cakap ni?" (huh? what are you talking about?)
Me: "I'm kidding la baby" *Smiles and kissed his forehead*
Him: "Mengarut je" (You're talking crap now) *calms down*

In the end, I think he broke mine (my heart), but moving on, I am relieved to break free somehow. I'm being honest to boot, really. It ended, whatever "it" was. And I'm okay with it. :)

Writing this down made me feel better, a whole lot better. But to share all the memories I shared with him, will be painful, so I just shared whatever I think is necessary. Goodbye Mr. Goodlooking, I wish you the best in life and I pray that you will find somebody that can make you truly happy. If you are getting married someday, don't hesitate to invite me. LOL

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Tomorrow.

Is what we all look forward to.


I'm on facebook and twitter detox. Its been a week, couldn't be happier about it.



I need sleep. I need rest. I need love. I need hugs. I need cuddles.



I'm not the same Hannah you used to know, no I'm not.
Trust me on this.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

...

I actually think that my English and writing is getting crappier. I need to read more. Sigh.



How to read when all I do is going to the office and drowning in the workload?



Fuck.

Lifeless.






At the office. On Sunday. 6.30pm. Still here.



Omg you can kill me now.








Thursday, September 8, 2011

Word Vomit.

My Blackberry is testing my patience. Sigh. Soon iPhone, soon.

Okay that was random.

Hi there!
It's been a while, well duh, I wrote that in the previous post, way to go, stupid! *scolds myself*


That's how haywire I am now. I keep on talking to myself. Mumbling, giggling, as though somebody is talking to me, when its just my thoughts running around, tripping, jumping, falling.

I am way too tired of work, but you gotta do what you gotta do right?

Ohhh, did I tell you that 1st September was my birthday? Teeeheee. This year I can honestly tell you that I feel loved.

I went for a shopping frenzy! 5 tops, a zippo, a skirt and a purse.
AND
Sharawy bought me a baby G watch, 2 Arsenal Jerseys and a pair of Converse shoes.
My sister bought me a bag.
My sis in law got me cute undies. ;)
BUT
the best part of all - wait for it - my parents got me a present for my Diploma/Degree/First Job present - a MICHAEL KORS watch! the one I really wanted.

See what I mean when I said I feel loved? Teeeheeee.


That wraps up my birthday update. Here comes my whines and nags, be prepared.

Oh, I forgot, Mr Goodlooking and I are over. He decided "I deserve better". I guess I really do, after all that he's done to me. I mean, I still miss him, but I guess I'm insignificant in his life, so yeah, time to move on. I really don't mind.

I'm in my 4th month of working. I really dread mornings, but when I was on holiday, I miss my colleagues. Weird, I know. But I've grown attached to them somehow. Work is really crazy now. I'm supposed to come up with a couple of headlines as of now, but I feel like blogging. So I better blog before I lose what I wanted to write about. Work can wait. (as if - I'll be freaking out in a few minutes fyi)

I have a feeling that since I'm working now, people tend to ignore me, since I'm so called "independent". People don't ask me how I'm doing, whether or not I want dinner/lunch/breakfast. By people I mean the people I'm staying with - family. I feel so useless, so disconnected. But I can't help it, I'm already off to work when my parents are still snoozing, and come back odd hours, midnight, mostly, when they're too tired to talk or ask me anything. But I feel isolated as well, I'm in an industry that requires me to slave away, without thinking about the hours - just until you get the work done - which will NEVER happen. The stream of work that comes in won't ever stop. Sigh. I think now is the time for me to fly the coop. I need to be on my own, so my parents won't worry about me, they won't have to nag at me whenever I come home late. I just want to be ... away.


Okay I guess I'm getting emotional. I better stop.


Back to life, back to reality, hello there paperwork. Where's my ideas?





Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Well, Hello there!

It's been a while.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Blergh

My heart is beating pretty fast right now. I just sent a text to this person, whom I consider very important in my life. I don’t know what to expect, but whatever it is, I’ve prepared for what’s going to happen. We’ve been on “silent” terms for almost a week now. Can’t even find out why, this person keeps on asking me to be honest, which I did, but nothing comes along well after that.

Ok whatever, enough rambling.

I’ve been working here for 3 months now, and life has never been as hectic. I’ve wanted a holiday since forever. And I’ve been waiting for a night out with my girls, but since we’re all busy with our stuff, work, studies and shit, I just have to wait a little while longer.

I don’t even have time to read anymore.

You know what they say, life happens when you’re busy making other plans? Well yeah, it doesn’t work that way. At least not for me.

Toodles.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

FUCKING TIRED.

Friday, July 15, 2011

This is a story of.....

.......a nobody.


Have you ever had a night so awesome, but ended with tragic?

Well, this nobody have had tons of them. She's used to it. Every time something good happens to her, she'll tell herself that she'll end up crying in the end. So to avoid being hurt, she stopped enjoying life. She stopped hoping, she stopped expecting. Because for her, that's the stuff that's been hurting her all these while. She stopped trusting people. She only knew herself. She only knew how to avoid.

Avoid being happy, avoid going out with friends, avoid falling in love, avoid having a crush on someone, avoid expecting, avoid hoping, avoid, avoid, avoid. That's all she knew, literally.

She lived her life very cautiously. She went to work, and went home. No time spent on outings, no time spent on self-indulgence. She lived her life alone. The only friends she had, she didn't count on them. She was afraid of being disappointed.

She never felt as though she is worthy of a life, everything she did seemed insufficient. She tried so hard to impress, she tried so hard to make people like her, but those efforts came to no avail. That was then, she decided to live on her own. She would occasionally please everyone around her, and she always helped other people. With not a single thank you as a token of appreciation, she learned that people exists to use other people.

That's life, people will use the weak, the nice, the vulnerable to get to the top, to get what they want. She learned that the hard way, but she knew she was contempt with who she is. She liked helping people. She loved the feeling it gives her.

One day it hit her, though she's contempt with who she is, she knew she would never find genuine happiness. She's not able to settle down and be happy. Find a husband, have kids. No she won't.


After years of being contempt, being an optimist, reserved and quiet, she broke down.

She was found dead, with tear stains still visible on her cheeks, now she is truly contempt, she had finally learned what she had to do, and left.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Pros and Cons

Some of my pros and cons. Go ahead, you be the judge, that's if you wanna be shallow. :)

Cons:

  • I’m not the prettiest/hottest/sexiest girl you’ll ever meet
  • I cannot beat you at video games
  • I will not automatically know all of your music (unless we have the same exact taste, which is unlikely)
  • I’m a little bit pudgy, yes, I am.
  • I will not continually take your shit. If you treat me poorly, I will either let the relationship fizzle or I will cut you off, or I'll most likely treat you the same way.
  • Get ready for it: If you are rude to me, I will most likely cry. Not because I’m sad, but because I’m angry as fuck.
  • I am not an exercise goddess. Step off with your work out shit.
  • I need reassurance sometimes that you actually give a shit
  • I'm insecure, well, I am a girl.
  • I am not that girly

Pros:

  • I will support you no mater what you go through, or what you choose to do. No discrimination
  • I’m kind, well, generally
  • I’m a little pudgy, BUT! that means I’ve got curves. And boobs. And ass. ;)
  • I am independent. I can handle myself, I don’t need to be coddled, except when I'm really upset.
  • You will never have to wonder how I feel about you, because when I say something, I mean it
  • I need my ladies’ nights as much as you need your boys’ nights
  • I can take care of you, I'll cook if I have to. I'll bring meds if you're sick, I'll stay with you until you sleep
  • I am VERY PATIENT.
  • I can learn about your music and how to play your video games and I will learn more about your interest, and talk to you about it.

So. That’s me, really. Put up or shut up, I don’t have time to play games anymore.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Lemony Attraction

Another writing assignment of mine. Purely fictional. And please don't laugh.

..........................................................................................................................................................................


Nothing close to comparison of giddiness, when you first set your eyes on a person that makes your heart beast faster, your butterflies in your stomach aflutter. That’s how I first felt when I saw him. He was at the fruit isle where I was working, a grocery shop 5 minutes away from campus.

His hair was jet black, neatly brushed back, he had these glistening brown eyes and heavy eye bags that made him look naturally broody and mysterious. I wondered where he stayed, what did he do, and his voice, oh how I long to hear his voice.

3 months passed, and I realized there was a pattern with him; he comes in every Thursday to buy Lemons, and only lemons. Nothing else. He rarely spoke, but when he did, my whole body just went into autopilot. Silent and robotic. I was that nervous around him. I was convinced he was a chef, mainly because I saw him walking in once in the clothes of a cook. Today, I am determined to talk to him, find out who he was, and ask him about his habitual lemon purchases over the past 3 months.

“Hey, ‘Sup” ohmygod ohmygod. My heart raced.

He looked up and wore a weary smile, and replied “Long day. How about you?”

“Well, nothing better than to waste my time staring at produce and packaging” I found myself saying, and threw a cheeky smile. Why the hell did I just do that? Ohmygod ohmygod.

His eyebrows furrowed, and I thought he didn’t get my reply. Well duh, you talked nonsense, idiot! But then his eyes lit up, though I wasn’t sure what for, but little did I know, my wonder would soon be answered.

“You know, you should smile more, your face just lights up, made my day, thank you very much” And grinned as he took his paper bag and made his way out of the store. I can feel blood rushing to my cheeks. And I found myself saying “Well, thank you, hottie” What the fuck is wrong with me, seriously? I hope he didn’t hear that, aaaargh.

To my horror, he had heard it, he turned back and winked. I nearly died.

After a few weeks of heated cheeks, and flirty conversations, he asked me out. I was ecstatic. My heart was pounding, my thoughts were wandering, and my palms were sweating. You must wonder why am I acting like this, point one, he’s hot. Point two, he’s a cook. Yes, my guess was true, a hottie who can cook, yummy. Point three, probably the most crucial part of all, I AM A GUY. Point four; he will be the FIRST guy I’d date after I came out as somebody who’s homosexual.

Not so much of a guy with balls now am I? Thought so.

……..

I am now into my 6th month of dating Pete, the man of my dreams. I’ve found out that he buys lemons every Thursday because he made lemon squares for his grandma every Friday. Awwww, such a sweetie, I know, right? I’m so lucky. Who says being gay is taboo? I’m living my life well, with a hottie who’s an expert in the kitchen. I consider myself luckier than the ladies, if you know what I mean.

Maze.

Today I realized something.......



.......I find myself fiddling with the most insignificant things in front of me. Probably because I always have the urge to look for something, I'm always on a hunt. What am I hunting for, you ask me? I haven't a clue. I feel like I'm looking for something that can change my life. Make it better, somehow. But, in the end, I got lost in the process of looking. Some say I'm looking for love, some say I'm looking for freedom. I say, it could be anything. From reassurance, freedom, space, love, affection, satisfaction, recognition, anything, I tell you!

I just want, NO, I just NEED to find this thing, this vague, partial part that fits my life, that completes my life.

Life is a journey, so I keep on hearing people say. It remains true to this day. But they never told me that life was gonna be a maze. If I was taught that earlier, I think I wouldn't be complaining now. Heck, because I was told life was a journey, I've been planning my future. (Because that's basically what you do before you start your journey, right?) But when your plans fall through, you hit a brick wall. You don't know what to do, you take a few steps back and try out another way, another route. (So it is like a maze, after all!) But you'll never no where the winding paths end, you never know what you might stumble upon.

So now, I can conclude that I am lost, in a maze that I personally call my life. I fiddle with insignificant items, I questions the stupidest questions, I worry about the unnecessary bullshit, I take in a lot of crap from other people, but, I still go on.

Life is a maze, find yourself a way out of your messy thoughts, next thing you know, you're dead. A bit morbid, I know. But its fact, we're only human, we can't run from our problems, we're forever stuck in our own mazes.




We're screwed, but you decide on how you wanna look at life.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Why does everything have to feel wrong?

I think its the PMS, but I've been feeling worst than ever. I'm just tired of having emotions tied to everything I do.

Why do I have to care?

Why?

Monday, June 20, 2011

Well.

Another fucking manic Monday.


Was late to work, drove quite fast, weaved through traffic like a mad man. Upon reaching to the office, I was told to quit my job. By someone I kind of expected, but it hurt me still. Though I'm not doing okay, emotionally and mentally, I'm enjoying my job, well, at least trying to. It cut me deep. I've officially graduated with an Honours Degree, and I just worked here for one month, and that said person asked me to "find another job". Mainly because I had to get to work on time, and I get home late.

It is the advertising industry after all, I am in the creative team, after all. We are dedicated robots to the visuals, copy and PC related bullshit. You can't expect me to just up and leave when I finally have a sense of responsibility in my life.

I am trying so hard to make you proud, but there you are, talking to me like this job doesn't even matter to me. Mind you, this is my dream job. I am blessed enough to be granted this post, and with this pay, I won't give in to what you want. Not this time.

I'm sorry if my decision to finally be independent and continuing on to do what I love, what I'm passionate for disappoints you. I'm just sorry.


I need to think about me, once and for all. Selfish now, am I? Yeah. I'm tired of bending over backwards to fit your needs. I need this to reassure myself that this is what I've worked for all my life.

You were happy I got a distinction for my Intern right? I'm asking you to be proud of me this time. I don't want to work like her, under your supervision, under the watchful eye of almost everybody I grew up with. I'm earning enough. I'm contempt enough, so why can't you be contempt for me?

Once, just once, I need your support.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Did you know?

That I've worked here for almost a month now.

That I've been throwing myself into work so much, I rarely have time to read and write?

That I'm pulling my hair out just to get ideas for ad campaigns?

That I don't know if I'm contempt with how I am now?

That I'm actually thinking of going to Miami Ad School to further my Masters Degree? Only after a month working in an agency?

That I can't afford Miami Ad School?

That I'm a sissy when it comes to handling my emotions?

That I crash on my bed as soon as I get home?

That I work like the energizer bunny if I'm at work?

That I've no idea how to relax anymore?

Sigh.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Sad. :(





I promise I will write more. I'm so swamped with work, I can't write anything any more. I think I need the time off and find my muse again.



If I have any loyal readers out there, I'm sorry, don't hate me.
Stay with me, okay.


*puppy-dog-eyes*



Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Writing Assignment #1

Here's a writing assignment I had to do for my job evaluation. Let me know what you think. HAHAHA. I find it very weird.

A Fruit with Attitude.

I would stand out in the crowd, but what most of you think about me is pretty generic. Who are you to judge me with that limited knowledge of yours? There are selective people who appreciate my curviness, my boldness, my distinctive taste.

I bring life into dull ingredients. I sometimes even become one of the key ingredients to your life! If you think I’m pretty dull, boring and just another lump in the market basket, think again.

Why would Fool’s Garden write a song about my origins? Why would Passion write a song inspired by what I can do, how I can affect people? Yes, I might have a little attitude problem, but that’s what that keeps me interesting, a kick in your mouth, the zing in your taste buds.

Oh Hi, I’m Mandy. I’m yellow, and I come from a family of smooth skin and bumps. I sort of skipped the introductions there, didn’t I? I’m a lemon, a member of the citrus family, no I’m not as vibrant as the orange, and I’m not as exotic as the grapefruit. But listen to this;

I might look average on the outside, like any other fruit in the market. But have you actually seen my insides? I’m juicy, you can tell by just slicing. I have intricate pulps, a juicy flesh, and oh boy I’m full of Vitamins!

Lemons are different from Limes and Oranges, you want to know why? Though we all have that sour bit in our juices, lemons just kicks ass. If you didn’t notice, English folk uses us in their tea, they don’t use oranges. American people drink us during hot summer days, not lime juice. Don’t ask me why we’re oh so fabulous, but we’re just built that way.

Thanks to us, the human kind have been blessed with our acidic features and decided to use us, and our components to make their lives easier, our juice can be used to remove stains on your clothes. The oil that we produce? It’s being used in your perfumes! It is our pleasure to tighten your pores, and bleaching your freckles.

Our essences and flavors now becomes a vital part in the culinary industry, our flavors can be found in poultry dishes, desserts, meat marinating flavors, and to get everything going on? We even can get it on with liquor. Yes, liquor, not liqueur. Us lemons are pretty useful and handy, eh?

See, who says lemons are generic and boring? I say otherwise. We’re the fruit with attitude.

Monday, June 6, 2011

in that instant, she became infinite with who she is.

she stepped into the icy cold room, with her head held high, and sat down with confidence. she never felt at peace as how she felt then. her work described who she is, how she acted, defined her very being.

being at her cubicle clarified a lot of things for her, the new company she makes, the endless firsts that she endured.


but when her work time is over, she is dead. she kept to herself. she locked herself if her room. she didn't eat. she didn't have anything to drink. she knew she has depression, but nothing can really cure her from that. she looked forward to working everyday. on the weekends, she's rarely at home. she goes out, she parties, she gossiped, she talked, she ate. none of that which she did at home.

home is where the heart is, so they say, and she found that to be true enough for her understanding. she didn't grasp the concept of making her house a home for her. for her insecurities, her emotions, her feelings, a sanctum for her true self.

her house was a two bedroom apartment in the bustling city of Damansara. but she didn't find that as a luxury for her. she always comes back to an empty house, a silent night, to the creaking noises the door made, the sound of honking cars outside her window.

she never had the chance to make it her home. she didn't want to, not since the last time she tried.

you see, Mandy used to be jovial, fun, bubbly, everything positive, you could say. but one thing robbed her personality away.

that one night where she was awaken by the sound of footsteps in her old apartment in Cheras. she was living with her bestfriend back then, so she just thought it was her bestfriend's boyfriend sneaking in, so she ignored it. but then she remembered that her bestfriend is in Jakarta for the week, she got up to see who it was, and saw Jason, Penny's boyrfriend, drunk and walking into the bathroom. little did she know, Jason had planned this very night.

Jason knocked on Mandy's door, and not suspecting anything unusual, she called out that the door was unlocked, so Jason crept in, being influenced, he dragged his footsteps. Mandy thought Jason wanted to talk to her, but boy she was wrong.




Freezing Hands, Jittery Emotions.







.......And I don't know what to blog about. Sigh.









Thursday, May 26, 2011

Nicotine stains have nothing to do with this post.

Wow. It's been a while since I updated here.

Well, for starters, I've finished my internship program at Krakatua. Twas a good experience overall, made some quirky friends who curse a lot, so yeah, you can just guess if my cursing habits have decreased or increased.

So, I have unofficially graduated from my Advertising degree. Well, good riddance, I say. I shall miss my studying days.

And if you ask me what am I currently doing with my life? I am working. Yes, I am. I made up my mind, and finally accepted a job as a Junior Copywriter in an advertising agency. I'm in my second week, and the people here are superb! Not a Malay-dominated agency, mind you.

As for my personal life, I've nothing to update. HAHA. I'm still in a rut, I have no friends to hang out with, (not entirely true, but you get my drift). I work late almost everyday, so I'm pretty much beat when I get home, and on weekends, I run errands and sleep. Basically, that's pretty much it.


OHHHHH. I LOST WEIGHTTTTTT. I'm at my ideal weight, I'm not going to disclose the details here, but let's just say I have more confidence now, and my ego? Well, its practically my best friend now. I'm so much stronger, I kid you not.

Other than that? Na-da.

Will update when I have random thoughts and stuff like that. *Refrains myself from using the word with the synonym of poop here*

I'm getting boring by day. Pffffft. *rolls eyes*

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Diamond in the rough; you should date an illiterate girl.

found this on tumblr, and thought it was worth sharing and spreading.


You Should Date An Illiterate Girl, by Charles Warnke.

Date a girl who doesn’t read. Find her in the weary squalor of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke, drunken sweat, and varicolored light of an upscale nightclub. Wherever you find her, find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome. Ignore the palpable weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because you’ve seen it in film. Remark at its lack of significance. Take her to your apartment. Dispatch with making love. Fuck her.

Let the anxious contract you’ve unwittingly written evolve slowly and uncomfortably into a relationship. Find shared interests and common ground like sushi, and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale, or the evenings get long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesn’t fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice.

Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices, propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter, do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause, let it stagnate. If she cries, smile as if you’ve never been happier. If she doesn’t, smile all the same.

Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career, not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail, frequently. Lapse into a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented, but mostly vacant and ethereal. Feel, during walks, as if you might never return, or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract a terminal illness. Die, but only after you observe that the girl who didn’t read never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion, that no one will write the story of your lives, and that she will die, too, with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.

Do those things, god damnit, because nothing sucks worse than a girl who reads. Do it, I say, because a life in purgatory is better than a life in hell. Do it, because a girl who reads possesses a vocabulary that can describe that amorphous discontent as a life unfulfilled—a vocabulary that parses the innate beauty of the world and makes it an accessible necessity instead of an alien wonder. A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the inarticulate desperation of someone who loves her too much. A vocabulary, god damnit, that makes my vacuous sophistry a cheap trick.

Do it, because a girl who reads understands syntax. Literature has taught her that moments of tenderness come in sporadic but knowable intervals. A girl who reads knows that life is not planar; she knows, and rightly demands, that the ebb comes along with the flow of disappointment. A girl who has read up on her syntax senses the irregular pauses—the hesitation of breath—endemic to a lie. A girl who reads perceives the difference between a parenthetical moment of anger and the entrenched habits of someone whose bitter cynicism will run on, run on well past any point of reason, or purpose, run on far after she has packed a suitcase and said a reluctant goodbye and she has decided that I am an ellipsis and not a period and run on and run on. Syntax that knows the rhythm and cadence of a life well lived.

Date a girl who doesn’t read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations of a prologue and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite a denouement. But of all things, the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness.

Don’t date a girl who reads because girls who read are the storytellers. You with the Joyce, you with the Nabokov, you with the Woolf. You there in the library, on the platform of the metro, you in the corner of the cafĂ©, you in the window of your room. You, who make my life so god damned difficult. The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life that I told of at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being storied. So out with you, girl who reads. Take the next southbound train and take your Hemingway with you. I hate you. I really, really, really hate you.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Damn!


I'm soooo addicted to tumblr its not even funny.

BUT my blogspot will always be my portal of rants and rambles.

Monday, March 7, 2011

To Work or Not To Work.

I just got a call from a friend of mine, well okay, my brother's girlfriend. She told me that her client from work is looking for new staff at his advertising agency. Daaaamn. Sounds tempting. Its near, and He's kind of a big shot. But am still not sure what to do, like submit a resume, or just relax and take my time when looking for a job, but then, if I don't start looking for a job now, I don't think I would have the opportunity to look for a job in September. Pffft. I have no idea. I'm graduating in Early May, so, what the hell should I do now? Work in an agency? Work events as a freelancer? Become a lazybum till September? Helppp! GAHHHH

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Blur

I have no idea what to write nowadays. Probably due to all the writing I've been doing at the office. Gahhh.


Someone splash me with Ice Cold water and slap me please. I need to wake up. I need thrills and chills. I hate my cookie-cutter routine life. Sighh.

Oh yeah, and my depression phase? Its definitely here to stay, for now.

I need inspiration, hope and faith.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Kill me not, made me stronger





Do you know how its like when people tell you to be strong, but all you think in response is "you don't know how hard it is"? Well, lemme tell you one thing, its totally normal. I mean, whatever crap that you go through, is all on you, yeah? You're the one who's feeling helpless, hopeless, and lost. Things can be a bit too negative, yeah, but its these things that keeps you going, and these little things that made you who you are now. The heartbreaks you go through, the disappointments you deal with, the broken trusts that you brush off, it makes you stronger, probably weak at that moment in time, but sooner or later you're just going to realize how its like to feel down and depressed, and you'll end up learning from it, and knowing how to deal with it the second it happens again. Just like the saying, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. I would second that a million times over.


so,

I had the two worst months. Ever. Its epic how I fail in everything I say and do. Like a record of mishaps and massacre. but I thank Allah, for giving me the strength to go through it all, and Alhamdulillah, I made it to this far. I pray for a better tomorrow everyday. So I guess my hope is reinsured. My faith have not been bad to me too. See, everything happens for a reason. Let's just stop all this bullshit and brace myself for whatevermaycome next.


Bismillah.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Another Boring Day At The Office. Pffft.

Bold what applies to you.

My personality:
I’m loud.
I’m obnoxious.
I’m sarcastic.
I’m cocky.
I cry easily.
I have bad temper.
For the most part I don’t like people.
I’m easy to get along with.
I have more enemies than friends.
I’ve smoked.
I’ve smoked weed.
I drink coffee.
I clean my room daily.

My appearance:
I wear makeup.
I wear a piece of jewellery at all times.
I wear contacts.
I wear glasses.
I have braces.
I change my hair colour often.
I straighten my hair often.
I have a piercing.
I have small feet.

Relationships:
I’m in a relationship now.
I'm single.
I’m crushin’.
I’ve missed an ex before.
An ex has physically abused me at least once.
I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

I’ve been in love more than two times.
I believe in love at first sight.
I believe lust is more important than love.

Friendships:
I have a best friend.
I have at least ten friends.
I’ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend.
I’ve beaten up a friend.
I’ve been in a serious fight with a friend.
I can trust at least five people with my life.

Experiences:
I’ve been on a plane.
I’ve been on a train

Someone close to me has died.
I’ve taken a taxi.
I’ve taken a city bus.
I’ve taken a school bus.

I’ve gone bungee jumping.
I’ve made a speech.
I’ve been in some sort of club.

I’ve won an award.
I’ve spent 24 hours on the computer straight.
I’ve been in a physical fight.

Music:
I listen to R&B.
I listen to country.
I listen to pop.

I listen to techno.
I listen to rock.

I’m one of those people who play songs repeatedly until I hate it.
I hate the radio.
I download music.
I buy CD’s.

Television:
I spend at least six hours a day watching television.
I watch soap operas daily.
I’m in love with Days Of Our Lives.
I've seen and liked the O.C.
I've seen and liked One Tree Hill.

I've seen and liked Popular.
I've seen and liked 24.
I’ve seen and liked CSI.
I've seen and liked Everwood.

Hair:
I've been brown.
I’ve had streaks.
I’ve cut my hair in the past year.
I’ve dyed my hair in the past year.
I’ve been blonde.
I’ve had black.
I’ve been red.
I've been light brown.
I’ve been medium brown.
I’ve been blue/green.
I’ve had my hair thinned.
I use conditioner.
I’ve used silk therapy.
I’ve used hot oil treatments.
I’ve curled my hair.
I’ve straightened my hair
I’ve braided my hair.

School:
I’ve yelled at a teacher.
I’ve been suspended.
I’ve had an in-school suspension.
I’ve been sent to the principal’s office.
I’ve walked out of class.

I’ve skipped an entire day of school.
I’ve skipped a whole month of one certain class.
I’ve failed Art.
I’ve failed P.E.
I’ve failed math.
I’ve failed science.

I’ve failed another class.
A teacher has called my parents.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

This gave me peace.



Everytime you feel like you cannot go on
You feel so lost
That you're so alone
All you is see is night
And darkness all around
You feel so helpless
You can’t see which way to go
Don’t despair and never lose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side.


insya'Allah

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Why I have Eyebags.

This shit right here is my 3kg eyebags. T___T

Found this article here.

How to get rid of Eyebags?

  • Try to avoid stress and get extra rest, especially during menstrual discomfort.
  • Try eating turbanado, stevea, maple syrup, raw honey, agave nectar.
  • Essential fatty acids
  • Organic foods
  • Flaxseed oil
  • Whole grains, nuts and seeds.
  • Drink plenty of warm water. Avoid ice cold and carbonated drinks.
  • Avoid stimulants such as caffeine and alcohol.
  • Add coconuts, raisins, papaya and sweet juicy fruits to your diet.
  • Only take a moderate amount of sugar.
  • Avoid red meat and heavy fried foods.

Hell to the yeah. I can't avoid stress, because I have a 9-6 job that apparently I hate. And I'm PMS-ing. I don't eat maple syrup or honey or whatever because it's simply too sweet. Fatty acids? WTH? Organic Food, people don't eat that for a reason, they're tasteless. Come on, are you kidding me? Flaxseed oil? Too lazy to find it. Whole grains takes me countless trips to the toilets. I LOVE ICE COLD DRINKS AND I HATE WARM WATER. I don't consume alcohol OR caffeine. Oh wait, Coke. Right. Sweet juicy fruits? They take me to the toilet, too. Sigh.. Sugar gets me high. Especially Lollipops. I Love red meat more than I love chicken and fish and lamb.

So, what the hell am I supposed to do now? GAH.

I'm ugly, please shoot me, I'm ugly.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Scars.




Nothing beats the pain than the suffering you’re going through. No matter how hard you try to deal with it, the deeper the scar cuts into your skin, revealing raw flesh, blood and emotions. No matter how you try to nurture it, take care of it, the more you realise that everytime you revisit the scar, the more you feel the pain, and how unsightly the image of the scar bring your painful bitter memories back. No matter how you try to ignore it, the more it reminds you of thei stinging pain of the incident that caused it, reminding you everyday how it happened and why it happened. It hurts, it will always hurt, but no one else can feel your pain but yourself. This is all on you, how you deal with your pain is entirely up to you. Even if you consult a professional, or a dear friend, the suffering that you go through is totally on you, the pain you feel is totally on you. I know I should not be too negative, but right now, I can’t deal with being hopeful and having faith, maybe in a couple of moments, days, weeks, months, years, I would be okay, who am I to say? I can just put a brave face and get the fucking on with life. This is just what I feel now. So disregard my ramblings, by the time any of you read this, I think I’ll be fine. Insya’Allah.





Here's to trying, Bismillah.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Depression

Found this article here.

Common signs and symptoms of depression

  • Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
  • Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
  • Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
  • Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
  • Irritability or restlessness. Feeling agitated, restless, or on edge. Your tolerance level is low; everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
  • Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
  • Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
  • Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
  • Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.





I have all of the symptoms above. Am I depressed? Why am I behaving weird lately. Why do I feel so lost? I am easily irritated now, when I sleep, I tend to wake up every hour, which is unexplainable. I have this nagging pain on my shoulders and neck. My headaches are getting worst, once in two days. I have cravings, but there's nothing to indicate I've gained weight. I lost weight, and I have been eating. WTF is wrong with me?

Friday, February 11, 2011

Counting Days




54 fucking days.
i'm dyiiingggggggggg.





Wednesday, February 9, 2011

lost



.....so,

I did some research on what to do after my internship program, whether to further my Masters Degree or find work experience. Frankly. I'm tired of studying. I've been in school and college for 16 years. I think its time for me to let my brain rest, and you know, work or something. But the thought of waking up early every morning just to go to the office and stare at a PC all day turns me off. I don't have much time to choose, since if I want to start working immediately, I've to start looking for a job now, and if I want to continue studying, I'd have to send out my applications by now, and if I decide I'm going overseas, I would ought to take my english requirement tests by now. Sigh. I'm so lost.

The best bet I can go for is to relax my mind, body and soul for a couple of months before I start to make any life-changing decision. I'm 23 this year, an adult. But why am I not behaving like one? I WILL take a couple of months to work freelance and go for holidays, it would be beneficial. I think.


...and I'm lost, again.



Tuesday, February 8, 2011

February.

I have this urge to blog about what happened two nights ago, but I don't think it would be appropriate. Its our little secret, dinosaur and I.

Moving on from that fateful night, it made me think a lot about how I'm living my life now. I think I need to mature, in ways that's so simple, you know, the kind of changes that your parents have been nagging to you about. Sigh.

Its February already. Another 3 months to go for my internship, 58 days of working underpaid, waking up in the mornings, and going out non-stop during the weekends. I hope the trip to Koh Phangan with my lovelies will happen in June/July. I really need to get away.

Come the end of February, we could have been 2 years, our relationship, but too bad, it didn't make it that far. I mean, I need some me-time, and right now, a committed relationship is just not in my options.

I spent one night crying about what happened to me in 2010. I haven't dropped a single tear ever since we had that fight in the car. It was killing me that I can't shed tears, but I forced myself to cry, and I did. I felt an immediate relief after. Its true when they say, sometimes, the tears that you held back is the one that matters the most.

I can go on bragging about what a sucky year/month/week I've had, but I won't, I did too much of that. I'm tired of it. Right now, I just want to have fun with my friends, and pamper myself. Good news is, I have achieved my goal. I'm down to 3 per day now. Huge improvement there. :)

Shit there's nothing to do today. That's why I'm crapping. Fuck. Gotta stop now. Bye.


February, be kind.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Fun-Sucker!

Dinosaur, I miss you.


These past few days have been ... moody? I snap at people easy, I get lost in my own thoughts and end up staring into space, when in reality, people around me are conversing and laughing. I'm such a fun-sucker. I think my wives know what I'm going through. I feel suffocated, like I'm trapped. But I can't exactly explain why and how do I feel that way.

On a brighter note, Bruno Mars is coming, April 10th, so they say. I want, okay cross that, I NEED to go. I want to sing out loud, bawl my eyes out and have fun with my wives, IF they go. Sigh. I need more time away from the office, the family, the ex.

Can't wait for next tuesday, a whole week of sleeping till noon, and sleep late. :) or maybe I can go for dates or stuff like that. I've been wanting to watch a romantic comedy, but there's none at the cinemas. My luck, huh?

I told the wives that I want to look sexy, not clothes-wise, probably physically. (Yeah, like that's ever gonna happen) My cheeks, urghhhh, my cheeeekssssss. Okay, I'm crapping now. There's nothing to do at the office, and the weather is superb for naps, and I'm dying. Kthxbye.