Friday, December 26, 2008

Addition to Resolutions

I have another thing to add to my new year's resolutions:

Own a BlogSHOP!

Yes, indeed I am serious.


Written this morning. But malas nak cari broadband atas meja.


It is currently nearing 6 a.m. I am still awake which is normal nowadays, and it just occurred to me that I haven’t written a totally honest (to myself) blog for quite some time. I’m stressing my head out for my very disappointing results, and I can’t get myself to stop thinking about my personal problems and start doing something about it.

It always struck me that I never actually thought that I would lose people in my life. But slowly, I began to realize that when people really want me, (my help to be exact) they’d find me, but when my help is worthless, or my good deed is done, they abandon me. You know, like a carpet rug, which is always there either when you need it or don’t? (OK, my first sentence has nothing to do with this, I just realized)

Moving on, OK, you may not get what I’m trying to say, but I am fed up of getting caught up in other people’s personal life when my own is about to go down in the drains. This is where (supposedly) help comes in, a knight in shining armor or some sort. But all hope is hanging. I am left alone. Heck. I FEEL alone.

Honestly, I don’t know what exactly what I am saying, but my life is crap right now, and trying to find a way to fix it.(Trust me, I'm working my ass off) And, all I know is, I’m at it on my own. Be independent, (cue my mom’s voice).. don’t be too dependent on other people. Where is the Hannah I know?

Hang in there, Hannah, and you might make it through out your worst part of your life.

Hey, I’m allowed to be ungrateful once in a while right?

Will be myself back soon, I guess.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Private Colleges, No?

Okay, luckily I don't want to go to Aussie in the near future. I'm planning to go to a local college instead, and I'd already obtained the green light from my parents. So, probably I'm going to either KDU or Taylor's School Of Communication. I'm rooting for Taylor's, it's near my house, and I'd have a new surrounding. New people, new friends, new information to learn. Communication and Media Management is what I chose to pursue for my degree. The college is also affiliated with University of South Australia (UniSA), so, that'll be an advantage since the certificate will be from the Uni itself.

My results sucks again, this semester. I'm just relieved to know that I don't have to repeat my Multimedia subject. Thanks to Miss Mayudia, even though I still have welled up anger towards her. :)

That is why I wrote about Taylor's and KDU, because my results sucked.

God. I suck. T_T

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Hum Away.

Trouble in paradise. Even if it's not paradise. I'm GAINING WEIGHT! Dammit! I've tried herbal teas and such, no such luck, and every time I prepared for a jog session, rain comes puring down. No such luck in Operation Destroy Handles.

OK, here's my New Year's Resolutions. I just thought of it like 2 seconds ago. Har-di-har-har.

Yes, people, I am on a mission! I plan to;
  1. Lose weight
  2. Handle my chores without a fuss
  3. Get good results
  4. Get into a certain college (that I had my eye on)
  5. Be sensible and positive

It all seem so reachable, am I right? Well, as my life goes, I would like to achieve what is the obvious first, and later on, comes the difficult task. Pandai-pandai lah susun cita-cita kan?

The next few paragraphs are a result of me being negative, and they are just merely my thoughts.

Ambitions, hopes and dreams. Thoughts that are meant for your mind, and soul only. But these things, often becomes a motivation to reach for the impossible, and creates an excuse to prove to yourself that you are worth it. And yet, things like these that can bring you down, makes you fall and teaches you to give up before ever trusting any thought of yours.

Well, I'm just being negative here, but believe me, I gave up on hope ages ago. Yes, I do say things like "hopefully...", but when it comes to hope, I just have no faith. I hate false hopes, they're a bit like broken promises don't you think?

Yes, aku negatif orangnya. But still, I still live my life large, and also, I put more and more faith in myself everyday.

Friday, December 5, 2008

I Tag You People.

Got tagged by Zahirah. Here Goes. Jawab OK.

QA #1

1. What’s your ambition?
To become succesful in life. Full stop.

2. Who is more important to you? Girlfriends or friends?
My friends, doesn't matter whether they're girls, or the opposite.

3. How often do you think of committing suicide?
Nahh. I think the better in things sometimes. Shit happens for a reason. No matter how stupid they are, and no matter how suicidal I sound in my posts, I don't think about suicide.

4. Do you think you have enough confidence?
Not really. I get chicken when it comes to asking a salesperson about certain stuff. Imagine that.

5. How many babies do you want?
4. Insya'Allah. Or maybe 3. I haven't even thought about it yet.

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?

7. What is your goal for this year?
To be whole as a person. Geddit?

8. Do you believe in eternity love?
Yes. For Allah S.W.T.

9. What’s is your favorite television series?
One Tree Hill season 5. The L word. The O.C, Gossip Girls, Heroes, Ghost Whisperer, Gilmore Girls, CSI Vegas, CSI Miami. Yes people, I ADORE dramas!

10. What are you really afraid of?
Allah S.W.T, death and Hari Akhirat

11.What is your bad habits?
I tend to think negative.

12. Is there anything you wanna tell to the people who hates you?
Why? Takde faedah pun.

13. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?
Of course. What idiot doesn't?

14. What does flying means to you?
To be able to let yourself go.

15. What do you crave for the most currently?
Craving? Ooooohhh! Subway,Carl's JR, Tauhu Bakar JB, Mi Rebus Johor Hj Hamid,

16. Most unexpected gift you received so far and when?
Anger. Can it be considered as a gift? I get angry easily nowadays.

17. Describe the person who tagged you in 5 words:
Zahirah, sangat penyabar, very observant, talented, rambles on about J-Pop sometimes, ooohh..! Dorothy Perkins addict, if I may say so.

18. What have you done to yourself make yourself happy?
I'd finally stand up for myself lately. I hate being taken for a ride.

19. What will you become in another 10 years to come?
I'm hoping to be in the advertising industry and become a copywriter, also, I wish to posses my Masters from Charles Sturt University.

20. What have you achieved in life lately to make it better?
Achieved? Self-Independence. That felt really really good.

QA #2.
Rule 1 -People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any questions that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule 2 -Tag 5 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tag by continuing this game by sending it to other people.

1. Do you have secrets?
Yes. Everybody has skeletons in their closet kan?

2. Would you fall in love with a guy younger than you?
Yeah. But I couldn't care a less about age. As long as they understand me.

3. Do you enjoy going to college?
Sometimes, yeah.

4. what will you do if you have million dolars?
To buy my own car and house. The rest is for keeps. Maybe guna sikit untuk kahwin! Haha!

5. Will you fall in love with your friend?
I thought people were supposed to be friends, then barula jadi kekasih. Bukan eh? -_-"

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
If you know how to play it right, both.

7. List 5 current favourite songs
-Always be my baby (David Cook Version)
-Breathe In Today (Flyleaf)
-Darling (Eyes Set To Kill)
-Nobody Knows It But Me (Babyface)
-With Me (Sum 41)

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
I'm already in a relationship I love, why should I go for someone else, what more with that person is taken?

9. Would you be the person that you are if you were to be reborn?
I have no idea. Probably.

10. What do you want the most at the moment?
To see RSI and make up for lost time.

11. What kind of person do you think the person that tagged you is?
Refer above, Doofus.

12. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
In the middle. Married, not rich, not poor, but so and so.

13. What is your favourite color?
I can't just choose one. OK. Rainbow. and Black.

14. Would you give all in for a relationship?
Not really, there's always a extra for myself and Allah S.W.T.

15. If you fall in love with two persons simultaneously, which one would you choose?
Yg mana lagi hebat? As in, characteristics, perspectives on certain things, and of course, features, tapi tak hensem pun takpe. Asalkan very very understanding and better than the other person.

16. What are the top 5 bands that you listen to or love?
All time favourite?
-Eyes Set To Kill
-Boyz II Men (This is counted as a band, right?)

17. Name 3 things you would like to do but would never be able to.
-To tell the future
-To play the drums
-To write like Ahern

18. 5 people I have tagged.
Awin Roslin, Hamzani, Iva, Mutalib, Samsul

Thursday, December 4, 2008


I just realized that now my blog, LOOKS like an actual blog.

Rather than just a page of scribbled ramblings of an emo girl.

It definitely looks better now.


Sunday, November 30, 2008


I thought I'd share with you something so phenomenal to me:-


Beautiful blank pages
kiss our
with backgrounds
that demand precision.

Our black letters cross
on tightrope lines,
without wavering
across deep, invisible currents.

These beautiful blank pages
are promises of our
Our gentlest strokes
of darkness upon light.

-Judith Pordon-

An Update

Well, here I am, in the middle of the night, trying my best not to be sappy. But then again, I thought to myself, that would be like asking too much for myself right? Geez. OK, I'll try my best.

Here goes nothing. Today is day 7 of coming down with fever. Well, my fever cleared up a little, OK, who am I kidding? A lot. What's left of it now is just sniffles here and there and of course, the oh-so dreadful sore throat. I finished 2 bottles of cough syrup as it is, but the sore is still torturing me.

Can you believe it, that it's my semester break, and I'm actually coming down sick. Of course I got lucky and escaped the fever pitch during semester. Riiiight. Since my maid's back in Indonesia, us siblings had to do chores. Yes, I'd finally see the day. It seems that I'm a bit of clean-freak. I wash my clothes once in 2 days. Well most teenagers, especially my siblings like to wait for their whole week to end.

I haven't been anywhere. Just mostly at home. How boring. And for a few days, I thought I saw the OLD RSI popping back up again in my life. But my sighting was too good to be true. All of his act disappeared within 3 days, max. I was really starting to enjoy it, but nevermind, I've gotten used to this current RSI anyways.

On a brighter note, my dad, reads my blog now. So, I actually have to keep it READABLE and toss out the curses. Yes Abah, Sorry! Now you know that your daughter actually has a big mouth. *grins* He encouraged me to write more, as he (said to me, allegedly) likes my writing so far, it's just that I need to write something else for the topic, rather that be self-obsessed. I'll put that into mind, and I am sure as heck I'd give it a TRY.

Hey, it's afterall a blog. Hannah's blog. Where mostly my thoughts and my ramblings go posted. And I like it that way. Especially when it's about me. Yes people, I'm getting way over in my head now, I'm going to do you and myself a favor and stop NOW.


Tuesday, November 25, 2008


Does anybody know this feeling of despair
When you really love someone
When You really care
It's hard to walk away

-Never Meant To Be, Samantha Mumba

Just wanted to share that, it's beautiful isn't it? I think it's like THE perfect breakup song for teenagers. Oh, who am I kidding. I teared listening to this song.

I'm just feeling sappy due to my fever. Pardon me. Cheers.

Saturday, November 22, 2008


Yesterday. As I was tearing down posters on my wall, I realized something. The action of it all actually reflects our real life, yes, you might think I’m crazy, but hear (or read, since this IS a blog) this.

When we have been hurt by something or someone’s doing, we tend to keep it inside, all swelled up. But when the time comes to erase the pain away, it’ll still leave scars, just like the poster-tape that made a mark on the wall, chipping off the paint, revealing an ugly scar on a once smooth wall.

When you try to put it back, it won’t be the same. The posters will just hang off its edge, ready to fall, again, revealing very hurtful scars. The only way to ever heal this is to (I think) tear off the whole poster and paint your room in a brand new color. It might take a long time, but it also actually reflects the whole healing process.

Creating a new life, forgetting the old, even though revamping your room is time and money consuming, painting a new color will definitely cover the scars, and that signifies (in my thoughts) that even our past life, which had been a nightmare, takes time, courage and hard work to heal.

But from what I can see, covering up your wall with new paint means you’re just covering your past as well. The scars, the memories, and it’s just you, burying your hurtful past in the back of your mind, never intend to bring it up again. But, as the paint fades, the scars reveal themselves.

Just like the old memories. Everything will eventually show up again, any time of your life. And my thought to this is, the only way for you to move on from something is to accept it, and learn to live on it, taking it as a lesson and make it a guide.

Now, does all this make sense to you?

There, that’s how MY mind works.

Monday, November 10, 2008

7 things

Since Hamz tagged yours truly to do a piece about myself. Walaupun dah banyak entry pun about moi. :D

Here's seven things that you might not seen coming:

  • Well, I am VERY family oriented. I think.

  • I don't consider myself stylish, but I do keep up with latest fachion trends, though I don't own any flourescent hotpants, but I do have pieces of clothing that normal people don't usually wear and I AM NOT a fashion victim, thankyou.

  • I am NOT snobby. Okay. Sekali pandang, memanglah. Ever heard of the ever so cliche quote "don't judge a book by its cover"? Cuba aplikasikan.

  • I am madly in LOVE with music. Well, that's a bit obvious to people who knows me, kan? :D

  • I abso-freakin-lutely loves writing. AND reading, yes, people, the loud girl you know is actually a very very geeky chick.

  • I used to write a whole bunch of LOVE poems when I was in secondary school. Yes, a bit on the romantic side, I am.

  • I don't give two rat's ass about how I dress, I talk, walk and whatnot. Especially what people say. Well, let's exclude yen in this aright.

  • I drive like a madman when I'm furious. Try me.

  • I swear a whole lot when I'm stressed, but I can be pretty decent, and I mean total change when I'm relaxed.

  • Last, but certainly not the least, I have alot of uban. HAHA. You know, white hairs, signalling that you're getting older by the minute? AND I'm PROUD OF IT! :D

Now, I'll tag

  1. Maysarah
  2. Melissa
  3. Zahirah
  4. Raja Faisal
  5. Samsul Abdul Rahman
  6. Itik
  7. Ariff

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Real, all of it.

Let's start with my reality, shall we?

I know I have been such a pain in the ass all year, but I can't help it. People around me seem to take me for granted. Maybe I was being ungrateful, but I didn't expect that people around me was going to stomp me all over.

O-kay, for one example, lets take my sister. She is manipulative (was going to put b**** here, but it's waay too cruel), and controlling and she likes to shout a lot. At me. Her older sister. And there I thought sisters were supposed to be close. Especially sister with close age gaps. She always thinks that she's better than me. That, I clearly see. I don't suck up to my mom. And I know I'm not the "ideal daughter". I'm sorry Abah, if you're reading this. This was kept inside me for how long. One of the many reasons I chose to study abroad.

This thing, that keeps getting my heart and soul torn apart, these thing called tears. I cry and I cry, for only Allah S.W.T knows how terrible i feel inside. I used to be such an independent girl, I was able to hold it all in. But when one trouble starts to occur, Many problems came storming over. Basically, I am given the chance to be someone better.

But of course, being the stupid self that I am, I chose to be ignorant. Yes, I became ignorant, only for a few months though. Now, the old Hannah who is easy to pick on is back again! Woohoo!

The relationship with the boyfriend bit, is getting more honest everyday. Seriously, I've told him off. How I felt, how he was treating me, the way we weren't as bad as now. He understood me, but being himself, it took him quite sometime to readjust his negativity and actually tries to make me smile. Now, when I think about it. I can't even have a bickering without laughing it off with him. Alhamdulillah.

My maid is taking off to Indonesia next week. For good. And I have a naughty feeling that I'm glad she's going away. Hehe.

Well, I guess that's about it. My head is throbbing, and my heart is pounding. Just got over a fight with the sis. Well, for one thing I DO believe is, what are sister if its not for the bickering and dramas, right? This WILL hopefully pass through, Insya'Allah.

Ya Allah, Ya Tuhanku,
Kuatkanlah Iman hambamu ini, segala cabaran dihadapinya,
permudahkanlah hatinya untuk menempuhi dugaan-dugaanMu ini Ya Allah.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Hannah : A Soul Not Worth of Love.

  • How do you feel when somebody forbids you to do something, but that certain somebody does it?

Well, let me tell you. It feels like crap.

  • How do you feel when you know that a certain somebody went out with someone else, and wishes things that you can't even think of?

Let me tell you again, it feels like shite.

  • Now, how do you feel when you have no one to depend on anymore?

Again, crap.

  • Next, how do you feel when the one you trust the most finally made you lost the trust? And blames YOU for it?


  • Oh Hey, how do you feel when you've just been lied straight to your face?


  • And last, how do you feel when you know that you;ve been used for entertainment purposes?

Thank you, you've officially read the story of my life.

Faceboook : A "No Getaway" Portal.

Okay, I have a confession to make. For these past few days, I've been hating on probably everybody. I mean it. I have no idea why, but it just occured to me that pretty much, everybody is annoying, in their own way. I know I should be grateful for the friends I have, but how can I be close to them if what they do is talk about themselves all the time?

I know I should stop here.

Moving on, I miss my Raja Shafril Izreen more than ever this week. It has been a rough week, and I admit, I've been harsh on him as well. Its just that I need him to be with me, this week is critical, wwith all my assignments all gone down to the drain, my group has the ego of a lion. I needed somebody to talk to.

But...there was nobody there for me.

Well, I lived through the week, at least. Now, I still am living with the fact that both my parents have FB accounts! My not-so-normal growing up life is definitely going to be freaky from now on. -____-"

Dah tak tahu nak tulis apa. so, before I get crappier, let's just stop.
I'll write again when I know what to write.


Monday, October 20, 2008

Multimedia : Repeating Subject Probability

Maybe aku repeat subejct mutimedia. :(

dia sendiri ckp aaa.
mati aku.

CG aku macamane?


Presentation in 10

Group Work:

  1. Entrepreneurship (Business Plan - Ice Cream)
  2. Event Management (Event Proposal - Annual Dinner)
  3. Multimedia & Production (Website Design Proposal - Faculty of Communication and Media Studies)
  4. Communication Research (Impact of Advertisements on Housewives)
  5. Audio & Visual Production (Short Film Premiere - Chopsticks)
  6. Marketing (Marketing Plan - Papaya Soap)

Individual Work:

  1. Multimedia & Production (Banner Design for Internet)
  2. Communication Research (Proposal for Research - Internet Bullying)
  3. Audio & Visual Production (Radio and TV Script, NewsCasting)

Oh, how I wish I won't fail any of these assignments..

In 10 minutes time, my multimedia website project will be presented in front of the whole class. and our project is currently having some problems. It has a mind of its own. Damn. We have been pinalised for being late on our presentation, but we managed to get a later presentation, eventhough our marks had alredy been deducted for our mishap.

Geez. I'll let you know the results soon.

This multimedia lecturer is the shiznit. Dia suka marah-marah, caci, maki hamun kitorang. Macam kitorang ni worthless. I hope our website sempat siap in time.


Monday, October 13, 2008

Worst Blog Entry Ever.

Aku dah cakap dah. Flash aku mesti kena caci macam hanjing.


Aku buat yang terbaik (kononnya) untuk Miss Mayudia. Tapi, siapalah aku, cuma student yang tak reti main design kan. -_-"

Hari tu masa dia kritik ok pulak. Suruh buat button je. Now tetibe colour aku clash.
Keling pun ade gak. Tapi aku terima je. Asalkan kerja aku dah settle, aku happy. ^_^

Lagi 5 presentation minggu depan.
Ade 1 minggu ni.

Banyak kan?
Muka aku da macam nampak hantu.

Pendrive aku bersepah, locker tak yah cakap lah kan.
Mcm kena landa ribut.

Aku tunngu 2 minggu ni habis.
Ternanti-nanti tarikh 25 Oct.
Cuti wehh.

Doakan aku selamat sem ni. :)

Monday, October 6, 2008


Days go by and still I think the world is in a slow-mo mode.

I left writing in here so that I can finally finish my flash project. And let me tell you one thing about it. Crap.

Honestly, I don't even know how I got that crappy. Maybe its all because of all the kuih raya.

A few days before raya, I had plenty of fun with sme of Stuck. And the fun is the most sincere one I've had in years with them. :)

Nanti buat gath lagi eeehhhh. Pleasseee.

I love you people.
This goes out to Mai, Zahirah, Kishi, Athirah, Anith and Mel. Syefa
(Eventho Syefa is not in Stuck)

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Opinions please?

I was thinking of going to Murdoch University, Perth.

Any says?

I love him too much to do this to him. That's what I think

Monday, September 1, 2008


Too much time together, says him.

Too much time with his friends, says her.

I am now a firm believer of the magic of denial.

Sedih sangat.
Thank you very much.
You may now call me a Bitch.(note the capital B)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Menguji Kesabaran

Banyak betul benda jadi hari ni.
Dah puas aku nangis tak berlagu.


Tulis tu pun dah agak lega.
Terima Kasih.

Monday, August 18, 2008


Kembali ke realiti. T_T

I just got back from my Johor-Singapore-Johor trip. Tiring, but sure as hell fun.
I bought a few hot-diggity-cool (omg, i am so lame) tshirts, and loads of candy. :D

Went to my first-cousin's wedding, and my aunt asked me this very stupid question.
"when is your turn?"
Adoi. Aku 20 pun belum. Sijil pun takde. Nak kawen dah? -_____-"
When I was at the wedding, it made me think of my own wedding.
I want it to be in front of my house. With 5 canopies. Baru meriah kan, saudara sume datang. :D
But the one thing I can't imagine is, me, sitting on the pelamin. Adoi.
Gila malu. Hahaha. Mane tau jalan-jalan dengan heels, jatuh tersembam. Wakakakaka

But still,
it made me forget I have college stuff, problems of my own, and the fact I still had some stuff that hasn't been sought over with Yen.

I know it's been two weeks since I last saw him, but the first week was hard. I missed him so much.
Come the second week, I was okay. I realized that I wasn't missing him. At all. Imagine. For some people who knows me, that would be the IMPOSSIBLE.

But it's the truth.
He made me feel like I don't have to miss him.
Like I am not in a relationship.
Like no one cares for me anymore.

But when I get home, everything changed. I cry, cry and cry.
Realising the fact that he treats me like shit nowadays.
He doesn't even say I Love You back.

Is this for real?
Is he getting tired of me.


ok, aku makin pathetic.
serabutkan kepala dgn masalah cinta, pikirkan pasak kawin.
sangat bodoh.
Hannah, bangun la.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Oh, Bollocks, just bollocks.

It's only Tuesday, 10.17 am and I'm in the library, yet again.

Here's a go.

I woke up yesterday with a bruised eye, and decided to skip class. Lucky for me, the lecturer went all crazy with some students that still didn't grasp the concept of Motion Tweening.

Spent the day in the library and the room. The thought of me jogging crossed my mind. It just crossed and nothing else. I was in no mood to jog, what more get out of the room.

Went for a dinner discussion at the Cafe near block P. Damn far wey. Bukan nak datang ambik aku ke kan. Takpe. Bagi je aku jalan sorang-sorang, malam-malan macamtu. Semata-mata nak jumpa talent. ~__~

Ideas poured in for our short film this morning. Brilliant ones. At least I hope the rest would like it as much as I do.

Hari ini, penat-penat aku bersemangat nak pegi kelas, selepas beberapa minggu tak pegi class Madam Hajar, aku samapi ke kelas lambat, and classmate aku semua cakap class cancel.

Oh, how I was SO pissed. Penat weh berkejaran ke kelas.

My left eyes are still swollen. Damn. This weeks is just bollocks I tell you.

Walaupun baru hari Selasa.

Going back on Friday morning. Weeeee.

Ya Allah yang Maha Penyayang,
Kembalikanlah kekuatan pada diriku,
Kuatkanlah kepercayaanku terhadap kebolehanku,
Aku memohon segala kekuatan iman dalam diriku diperkukuhkan.

Monday, August 4, 2008


faith is at loss.
faith in myself.
I need guidance, I admit.

Thursday, July 31, 2008


Its been a while since I last uploaded my blog. (walaupun baru 4 hari). While writing this, I am actually trying to remember what I wrote just now, when I was in the Cyber Cafe. The stupid system broke down and ll my writings were gone. Padah pegi CC dalam UiTM kan.

Okay. I'm just going to move on. Tak nak berleter dah. Hmm. My past week has been a disaster.
I am sick of the daily routine hat i keep on going thorugh. Every semester, there has got to be one problem with one of my group members. And also, every semester, there has got to be one lecturer yang suka buat palat.

I know its the ups and downs of being a student, but I just can't take it anymore.

Lately, I haven't been in the right mood for everything. I haven't been eating right, concentrating in class (tu la quiz aku agak teruk kan tadi). Double damn. I am in no mood for good laughs, relationship problems, classes, studies. Senang cerita, semua benda.

Another thing I don't get, I don't understand why I have to report whatever I do but some people won't have to and don't actually do it. WTfish? Aku pun tak tau aku cakap pasal ape.

*runs around screaming*

yes, I am being ungrateful.
*slaps myself*

Ya Allah Yang Maha Besar,
kembalikanlah kekuatanku untuk terus belajar dan beribadat.
sedarkanlah aku dari lamunan,
berikan aku kekuatan untuk mempercayai diriku kembali.

Monday, July 28, 2008


I have no idea what to write in here today, but I still have things to tell. -_-"

I just got back from my class trip to Port Dickson last night. It was a tiring trip. We left the campus at around 3.30, because Zul and I was handling this junior event for our event management course. The event was a blah. We had to be there, at the hall at 7.45. So can you just imagine what time do I have to get up. Right after we had finished the event, we were picked up by Izwan and left with Raiha tailing us.

We got to PD at around 5. We grabbed lunch, we played beach football, (the boys and I) and I was forced (note the word force) to ride the Banana Boat. It was a VERY scary ride. The fact that my life jacket kept on unbucklibng itself, and I don't know how to swim makes it even more scarier. But I had my fair share of fun. Right after my Banana Boat ride, I THINK i had a fight with yen. I cried for a minute, literally, and stopped. I had to stop being stupid and learn how to have fun and be flexible sometime.

That night we had a Barbeque. It was even more tiring since most of my classmates just stood around, eating, while some others had to prepare the food. My home-made brownies was a hit. :) There was a group of obnoxious guys beside our barbeque pit, they were having theuirs to, but it was annoying, because the guys were kind of harassing my girl classmates, but some of the girls seem to enjoy the attention. Blagh.

The same night, I turned in early, I was friggin tired. I woke up the earliest, lucky since my throat was feeling nasty. Ugh. Got up, tidied up the apartment, (it was fcuking messy, i tell you). It was like cleaning up after school kids. I even made breakfast for them. -_-" Finally, at 8.30, Izwan, Echa, and I went for the swimming pool. After we checked out of the apartment, wee grabbed lunch and we parted, Izwan, Echa, Zul and I went for karaoke. It was kind of fun. ^_^ The rest went to Teluk Kemang again, and headed straight back to campus.

We got back at the campus at 7.30. We had dinner in the campus and we headed back to our rooms. I was too tired and slept at 9.30. Slept like a baby since I didn't hear anything. Just the sound of my alarm. Now, I have this raspy voice and runny nose. My body is aching all over an aftermath of the Banana Boat ride, swimming, and beach football. And I hate it. ~_~ It even hurts when I cough and laugh.

Now, there's a recap of what happened on my weekend. I'm too tired to even concentrate on writing this and paying attention to the lecturer up front. Wish me good luck this week, I have a very terrible feeling about it. Blagh.


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

self-centered for a second

mengapa aku bencikan perubahan?
padahal perbahan is a good thing..

maybe aku tak mampu terima news yang mengejutkan, or attitude yang berlainan. if ade perubahan berlaku depan aku, make it slow and steady, not all of a sudden.

aku langsung tak boleh terima orang yang rapat dengan aku berubah sekelip mata, just like that.
close friends, boyfriend, family members.

it's heartbreaking, really.
they really don't know what i'm going through.

i may sound self-centered right now, but if you could just put yourself in MY shoes for a while, you know what the deal is. all the people i trusted, changed. at the speed of light, i tell you.

and now,

i don't feel like i want to be myself anymore.

i have to change.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


Am at home, wondering about things I should have thought about earlier this year. When I was drafting out my wish list and resolutions. I am currently having the flu, which is really weird, since I hardly get sick. This time, my health and my mind is attacking me with questions I know I can't answer, and medications I know I hate.

I feel depressed again, I thought everything was looking up. But I am clearly wrong.

I want to be normal again, like in my previous blogs. So badly need the boyfriend too. He's been acting weird these past few weeks. I hate it. I want things to be normal. I hate changes. Boo-hoo for me.

I stumble and fall,
but I mean these words.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Week Three, day one.

Guess where am I at?

the library. AGAIN.

Week 3

Here I am again, in the class lab, the first class of the week.

I got a disturbing call last night, it was from my sister. She was distraught and she made me realise that it's been almost a month now that my brother hasn't come home. I'm studying in Melaka, and my sister is in Nilai. But we still find time to come back home and meet our parents.

She got me thinking about my brother's whereabouts and his health. Honestly, I am a bit worried, eventhough he hurt my feelings. He chose that bitch from his family, and that, is a fact that I cannot tolerate. But, I would love to watch my mom be happy again, with all her kids under one roof, and actually doing something with their lives.

Moving on to next subject, this week I only have 3 days of classes. :D
Going back tomorrow. Coming back here on Thursday. Am excited. :)

So far, proposals done, zero.
Assignments submitted, one.
Assignments in the to-do list, plenty.

Will catch up soon. Turrah. :)

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Day Four of Week Two.


back again.

it seems tht i have nothing better to do here. i keep on updating my blog eventhough there's not much to be updated about. i am in again, the library, i've been here since last week, and honestly, for two years plus i sutdied in thuis campus, i never really went to the library as frequent as this.

my juniors must think ia m this geeky senior who goes to the library everyday and likes to sleep.
hahaha. but who cares. i intend to prove myself that i can kick ass in all my assignments this year, even if it means i ahve to be a nerd and i have fork out a lot of cash.

i slept at 5 last night. i was summarizeing this 25 page journal. after all the brain squeezing, i finally submitted the assignment, bearing the fact that the assignment i submitted was worth nothing to my finals. it's just to get us pumped up and save the pregnant lady's workto research for the meaning of research.

and lemme tell you, it wasn't easy. i woke up early today to come here. (the library) after having done my assignment, i went for lunch. and came back here again. luckily the internet is not that turtle-slow type. :)

now i'm cramming myself for my presentaiton of types of events later.

i am striving to be back home and sleep till noon.

and i am also trying to lose weight. i look like a balloon now, wey!
tak sexy la! hahaha. and am also improving myself in the realtionship sector, because i have been apologizing for the things that he started, and he said i was stubborn because i can't understand him that much. apada. itulaa. nak sangat bagi commitment. kan dah kena sacrifice banyak benda. nasib baik la aku sayang dia tahap gaban.


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Week Two, Still.

it's been what, two days since my last post?

i thought this week was going to be okay, but i was wrong. i didn't think when i skipped a pregnant lady's class, it would be like she wouldn't even notice. yes, she didn't notice, but she did give us, the whole class craploads of assignments that she said was easy. yeah, right.

i had migraines when i heard about the assignment. currently, i'm wasting preciuos lepak time at the cafe with some laughable friends. also, wasting cyberspace. (ikut pe'ah) haha. i am looking for journals that i haven't even heard of. am currently in the campus library. which is very cold and somehow the access is fast here, at night. prolly because during the daytime all the computers were full.

i so badly want a broadband line. oh, the acces to techlology would be at the palm of my hand. (evil laugh follows).

going back in two days time. having the hardest time to concentrate and get my ass to morning classes. but i have to. aku kena naikkan CGPA aku kan. haritu dah jatuh macam nangka busuk la pulak. memalukan betul.

gotta go. library is closing down in a few minutes.
and i still haven't founf what i'm looking for.

damn cyberspace and its technology.


Monday, July 14, 2008

Week Two

I just got back from my oh-so lovely home last night. I didn't feel like coming back to Lendu, but there's no other way. I am in my PUB351 class again. With a soaring headache after a week of not enough sleep. I spent my weekend going shopping. Like I had thousands in my pocket. I ended up having just enough cash to survive for the week. Oh well, the better for me. Now I don't have to go on a diet.

Assignments are crashing down. I tell you. Loadsss.
It's time that i have to get my ass worked out.
Before i stress out and go blank.

The distance between the boyfriend and I is doing our relationship some good. We got closer in plentiful ways. I finally have a valid reason to saty in UiTM. Besides studying. :)

The lecturer just walked in, i have to start flipping my books now, turrah!

oh, so much assignments,
so little of the need.

Monday, July 7, 2008


Gd Day. :)

I am in my Multimedia Design and Production class.

One thing about this class is, it is SCARING me.
The way the lecturer talks about my assignments and proposals,

We would have pop quizzes on how to use Flash.
And only God knows how little i know about Flash.

The lab is friggin cold, it's a Monday morning, and it's FIRST class of the semester.
Imagine how slow my brain is lagging right now. (-_____-")

I am too used with waking up late and reading novels instead of waking up early and reading textbooks. But I'll have to learn to be a student again, and soon! I'm planning to increase my CGPA. Insya'Allah.

My daily solat will Insya'Allah be back to normal. Hopefully.

I hate Monday classes.
Oh, so much hate.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Goodbye Technology.

New semester is here.

Lendu will be my hometown from now on.

goodbye, technology.

Friday, July 4, 2008


When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye,
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry.

You float like a feather,
In a beautiful world,
and i wish i was special,
You're so fuckin' special.

But i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo,
What the hell am i doing here,
I don't belong here.

I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control,
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul.

I want you to notice,
When i'm not around,
You're so fuckin' special,
I wish i was special.

But i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo,
What the hell am i doing here,
I don't belong here.

She's running out again,
She's running out,
She run run run runs..

Whatever makes you happy,
Whatever you want,
You're so fuckin' special,
I wish i was special..

Iut i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo,
What the hell am i doing here,
I don't belong here,
I don't belong here..

current obsession;
Damien Rice's version of Radiohead's Creep

beautiful, just beautiful.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

let me be.

dear blood relatives,

this is for you guys.

what if i wanted to fight?

what if i wanted to surrender?

what if i wanted to die?

what ifs.

i don't think my family will ever understand me.
they will never take me seriously.

I'm just someone they know.
I'm just someone they look for when they're stressed.

I'm not someone they share happy news with.
I'm not someone they look up to.

this makes me want to take out my razor again, you know?
this pain won't seem to go away, no matter how hard i try not to think about it.

sometimes i feel like i would be better off without them.

i'd rather be with my friends, who can actually talk to me about things.
who actually listen to me, and make me happy.

i always think that I'd be homesick if I'm not at home, but what's the use if you come home, after a few weeks, and your so called family greets you with screams and curses? is it worth all the wait to come home? is it worth the tiredness of the journey? after all the kick ass assignments and finals, you come back home to finally relax and have fun with your family, and they don't seem to give a shit about you?

this is basically why i want to move out of my house and find somewhere abroad to study. i don't care if they like or not. i may need a few years away from them. most probably, if i study somewhere in the US or UK,(i have my plans, insya'Allah), they'll come visit me and it won't be because of me, they'd just visit so that they can go on holidays. i could already see how they're going to treat me, then.

i know them already, after 20 years.
i just realized that they don't know me at all.
all they know is that I'm emotional. do they know that it's all because of them?
do they know that I'm getting stronger?
and every time i come back home, they flatten my strength to become a whole person?

what if i drop dead on the floor?
what if i was found suddenly hanging from the ceiling fan?
what if i was found dead in a ditch somewhere?

don't give a shit about me, please.
let me be.

please just ignore me being here.
the more you acknowledge me, the more i am hurt.

I'm sorry
i just know i'm not good enough for all of you.

sorry, sorry.
let me be.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


.a text came in.

her smile faded.

her tears dropped.

her hands trembled.

as she drove through the traffic, shifting gears.
she cursed under her breath.

someone promised her.
but the promise was then broken.

what is promises exactly?
promises made her lose faith.

she wove through the traffic.
sung out loud to the tunes.

Breathe In Today. Flyleaf.

*distant sound - you try, your hardest. to perfect your explanation. YOU LIE.

it was dark. and windy.
and rain started to fall.

she drove the car at mighty speed.
no thoughts what so ever on how slippery the road is.

more tears shedded.
she stopped the car to a halt.

she was home.

she cried.

she screamed.

she fell.


anything. anything to make her forget.

promises once was told,
it will haunt for long years of old.


I wake up every morning,
only to hear no birds sing,


it got me thinking,
why am I not feeling right?
did I start another fight?

what did I do wrong,
the soul questioned.

but I came up with this instead : tears.

not only do I not know what caused me to become so negative,
I've let myself became more and more compulsive.

I do not know any further on how to improve.

I have tried my best.
I have jumped at opportunities.
I have even risked my chances.

but I haven't got a clue,


I don't know what to do.

but now it's all suddenly clear,
it's just what I've feared.

I've let emotions conquer me.
now all I have to do set myself free.

fly like a bird.
no limit, no fear.
be free.

hannah marz.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

TOP 10.

(in no order)

my top 10 (current) favorite song

1. I Love You Till The End - The Pogues
2. Darling - Eyes Set To Kill
3. Breathe In Today - Flyleaf
4. Fiction We Live - From Autumn To Ashes
5. With Me - Sum 41
6. Sorry - Buckcherry
7. Stella - Incubus
8. Raein - From 3 to 1 to 2 and 4
9. Glittering Blackness - Explosions In The Sky
10. Angels - Within Temptaions

top 10 favorite bands

1. Incubus
2. Eyes Set To Kill
3. Flyleaf
4. From Autumns to Ashes
5. Within Temptations
6. The Beatles
7. Explosions In The Sky
8. Eisley
9. Paramore
10. Raein

top 10 hates

1. broken promises
2. idiots
3. perverts
4. slow internet connection
5. irresponsible drivers
6. sweet talkers
7. my mood
8. how i look
9. how he treats me nowadays
10. when i have no money

top 10 likes

2. poems
3. books
4. vanilla coke
5. driving
6. my collection of accessories
7. my shoes, flipflops, bags
8. my notebook
9. writing
10. cash, baby!

top 10 valuable things

1. purse
2. notebook
3. phones
4. necklaces
5. flipflops
6. bags
7. ring
8. his shirt
9. bracelets
10. cash that i wish i had

Monday, June 23, 2008


is there ever any promises made, and is not fucked up?

is it so hard to actually listen to someone when they're pouring
their hearts out, without any nasty remarks in return?

for goodness sake, we venuses just want our piece of mind to be
heard. okay, maybe we don't know what exactly what we want in
life. but at least hear us out.

all the masculine gendered people out there.
let your guards down.
put your ego in your ass for a while.

your girls are just trying to get things straight.
if you don't want them to get emotional every now and then,

and PLEASE. don't dissmiss what they're about to say.

i am tired of being dismissed adn spend my waking hours crying
and mulling over your stupid "i need space" speech.


too much space perhaps.

i've lost track of what is this blog's purpose.



Sunday, June 22, 2008


every day is a new day, i heard some one say, but it keeps on
occuring to me that it is not.

i am living a shadow of someone else's life.

someone very close to me, someone i used to trust.

i woke up today with the sound of someone rudely setting up my

i slept at 4 last night to drown all my fears away,
but today, it came to me like a hurricane.

everything i feared for, came true.

i will act happy when really, i am everything but.

when i keep it to myself, i get hurt,
when i let it go, i get hurt.

no matter what i do, it's a lose-lose situation.

i am merely a person with no feelings and objections.

i got pissed, and hit her. ONCE. on her hand.
and she ratted me out.
she bribed me for things she found out when she ransacked through
my notebook.
things she shouldn't even know.

it was after all, my notebook, with my password, my privacy,
my sacred hideout that i confide in.

all is at lost now.
i have surrendered my soul to my sister,
the day i hit her.



everyone, every scene, everything that is here.

hanya ilusi.

every sound, every smile, every smell.

hanya ilusi.


what good does it bring?
satisfaction good enough for you?


is it just another word you say to soften one's heart?
is it just another type of flu?

ilusi dan cinta saling berkait.

how, you ask me?
saling ketika si dia dilamun cinta, fikirannya lemas dalam ilusi-ilusi cerita indah.

but is it for real?
hanya ilusi yang menimbulkan perasaan cinta yang indah.

reality kicks in.
cinta tidak akan seindah ilusi-ilusi yang bermain didalam benak imaginasi si dia.

wake up.

hidupmu adalah satu ilusi.
begitu juga cerita cinta hidupmu.


here's my new weblog full of crap for the world to see.

my rants and blurbs will be uploaded soon.

to infinity, and beyond!
enjoy. (: