Tomorrow.

Is what we all look forward to.

I'm on facebook and twitter detox. Its been a week, couldn't be happier about it.

I need sleep. I need rest. I need love. I need hugs. I need cuddles.

I'm not the same Hannah you used to know, no I'm not.

Trust me on this.

...

I actually think that my English and writing is getting crappier. I need to read more. Sigh.

How to read when all I do is going to the office and drowning in the workload?

Fuck.

Lifeless.

At the office. On Sunday. 6.30pm. Still here.

Omg you can kill me now.

Word Vomit.

My Blackberry is testing my patience. Sigh. Soon iPhone, soon.

Okay that was random.

Hi there!

It's been a while, well duh, I wrote that in the previous post, way to go, stupid! *scolds myself*

That's how haywire I am now. I keep on talking to myself. Mumbling, giggling, as though somebody is talking to me, when its just my thoughts running around, tripping, jumping, falling.

I am way too tired of work, but you gotta do what you gotta do right?

Ohhh, did I tell you that 1st September was my birthday? Teeeheee. This year I can honestly tell you that I feel loved.

I went for a shopping frenzy! 5 tops, a zippo, a skirt and a purse.

AND

Sharawy bought me a baby G watch, 2 Arsenal Jerseys and a pair of Converse shoes.

My sister bought me a bag.

My sis in law got me cute undies. ;)

BUT

the best part of all - wait for it - my parents got me a present for my Diploma/Degree/First Job present - a MICHAEL KORS watch! the one I really wanted.

See what I mean when I said I feel loved? Teeeheeee.

That wraps up my birthday update. Here comes my whines and nags, be prepared.

Oh, I forgot, Mr Goodlooking and I are over. He decided "I deserve better". I guess I really do, after all that he's done to me. I mean, I still miss him, but I guess I'm insignificant in his life, so yeah, time to move on. I really don't mind.

I'm in my 4th month of working. I really dread mornings, but when I was on holiday, I miss my colleagues. Weird, I know. But I've grown attached to them somehow. Work is really crazy now. I'm supposed to come up with a couple of headlines as of now, but I feel like blogging. So I better blog before I lose what I wanted to write about. Work can wait. (as if - I'll be freaking out in a few minutes fyi)

I have a feeling that since I'm working now, people tend to ignore me, since I'm so called "independent". People don't ask me how I'm doing, whether or not I want dinner/lunch/breakfast. By people I mean the people I'm staying with - family. I feel so useless, so disconnected. But I can't help it, I'm already off to work when my parents are still snoozing, and come back odd hours, midnight, mostly, when they're too tired to talk or ask me anything. But I feel isolated as well, I'm in an industry that requires me to slave away, without thinking about the hours - just until you get the work done - which will NEVER happen. The stream of work that comes in won't ever stop. Sigh. I think now is the time for me to fly the coop. I need to be on my own, so my parents won't worry about me, they won't have to nag at me whenever I come home late. I just want to be ... away.

Okay I guess I'm getting emotional. I better stop.

Back to life, back to reality, hello there paperwork. Where's my ideas?

Well, Hello there!

It's been a while.

Blergh

My heart is beating pretty fast right now. I just sent a text to this person, whom I consider very important in my life. I don’t know what to expect, but whatever it is, I’ve prepared for what’s going to happen. We’ve been on “silent” terms for almost a week now. Can’t even find out why, this person keeps on asking me to be honest, which I did, but nothing comes along well after that.

Ok whatever, enough rambling.

I’ve been working here for 3 months now, and life has never been as hectic. I’ve wanted a holiday since forever. And I’ve been waiting for a night out with my girls, but since we’re all busy with our stuff, work, studies and shit, I just have to wait a little while longer.

I don’t even have time to read anymore.

You know what they say, life happens when you’re busy making other plans? Well yeah, it doesn’t work that way. At least not for me.

Toodles.

FUCKING TIRED.

This is a story of.....

.......a nobody.

Have you ever had a night so awesome, but ended with tragic?

Well, this nobody have had tons of them. She's used to it. Every time something good happens to her, she'll tell herself that she'll end up crying in the end. So to avoid being hurt, she stopped enjoying life. She stopped hoping, she stopped expecting. Because for her, that's the stuff that's been hurting her all these while. She stopped trusting people. She only knew herself. She only knew how to avoid.

Avoid being happy, avoid going out with friends, avoid falling in love, avoid having a crush on someone, avoid expecting, avoid hoping, avoid, avoid, avoid. That's all she knew, literally.

She lived her life very cautiously. She went to work, and went home. No time spent on outings, no time spent on self-indulgence. She lived her life alone. The only friends she had, she didn't count on them. She was afraid of being disappointed.

She never felt as though she is worthy of a life, everything she did seemed insufficient. She tried so hard to impress, she tried so hard to make people like her, but those efforts came to no avail. That was then, she decided to live on her own. She would occasionally please everyone around her, and she always helped other people. With not a single thank you as a token of appreciation, she learned that people exists to use other people.

That's life, people will use the weak, the nice, the vulnerable to get to the top, to get what they want. She learned that the hard way, but she knew she was contempt with who she is. She liked helping people. She loved the feeling it gives her.

One day it hit her, though she's contempt with who she is, she knew she would never find genuine happiness. She's not able to settle down and be happy. Find a husband, have kids. No she won't.

After years of being contempt, being an optimist, reserved and quiet, she broke down.

She was found dead, with tear stains still visible on her cheeks, now she is truly contempt, she had finally learned what she had to do, and left.

Pros and Cons

Some of my pros and cons. Go ahead, you be the judge, that's if you wanna be shallow. :)

Cons:

• I’m not the prettiest/hottest/sexiest girl you’ll ever meet
• I cannot beat you at video games
• I will not automatically know all of your music (unless we have the same exact taste, which is unlikely)
• I’m a little bit pudgy, yes, I am.
• I will not continually take your shit. If you treat me poorly, I will either let the relationship fizzle or I will cut you off, or I'll most likely treat you the same way.
• Get ready for it: If you are rude to me, I will most likely cry. Not because I’m sad, but because I’m angry as fuck.
• I am not an exercise goddess. Step off with your work out shit.
• I need reassurance sometimes that you actually give a shit
• I'm insecure, well, I am a girl.
• I am not that girly

Pros:

• I will support you no mater what you go through, or what you choose to do. No discrimination
• I’m kind, well, generally
• I’m a little pudgy, BUT! that means I’ve got curves. And boobs. And ass. ;)
• I am independent. I can handle myself, I don’t need to be coddled, except when I'm really upset.
• You will never have to wonder how I feel about you, because when I say something, I mean it
• I need my ladies’ nights as much as you need your boys’ nights
• I can take care of you, I'll cook if I have to. I'll bring meds if you're sick, I'll stay with you until you sleep
• I am VERY PATIENT.
• I can learn about your music and how to play your video games and I will learn more about your interest, and talk to you about it.

So. That’s me, really. Put up or shut up, I don’t have time to play games anymore.

Lemony Attraction

Another writing assignment of mine. Purely fictional. And please don't laugh.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Nothing close to comparison of giddiness, when you first set your eyes on a person that makes your heart beast faster, your butterflies in your stomach aflutter. That’s how I first felt when I saw him. He was at the fruit isle where I was working, a grocery shop 5 minutes away from campus.

His hair was jet black, neatly brushed back, he had these glistening brown eyes and heavy eye bags that made him look naturally broody and mysterious. I wondered where he stayed, what did he do, and his voice, oh how I long to hear his voice.

3 months passed, and I realized there was a pattern with him; he comes in every Thursday to buy Lemons, and only lemons. Nothing else. He rarely spoke, but when he did, my whole body just went into autopilot. Silent and robotic. I was that nervous around him. I was convinced he was a chef, mainly because I saw him walking in once in the clothes of a cook. Today, I am determined to talk to him, find out who he was, and ask him about his habitual lemon purchases over the past 3 months.

“Hey, ‘Sup” ohmygod ohmygod. My heart raced.

He looked up and wore a weary smile, and replied “Long day. How about you?”

“Well, nothing better than to waste my time staring at produce and packaging” I found myself saying, and threw a cheeky smile. Why the hell did I just do that? Ohmygod ohmygod.

His eyebrows furrowed, and I thought he didn’t get my reply. Well duh, you talked nonsense, idiot! But then his eyes lit up, though I wasn’t sure what for, but little did I know, my wonder would soon be answered.

“You know, you should smile more, your face just lights up, made my day, thank you very much” And grinned as he took his paper bag and made his way out of the store. I can feel blood rushing to my cheeks. And I found myself saying “Well, thank you, hottie” What the fuck is wrong with me, seriously? I hope he didn’t hear that, aaaargh.

To my horror, he had heard it, he turned back and winked. I nearly died.

After a few weeks of heated cheeks, and flirty conversations, he asked me out. I was ecstatic. My heart was pounding, my thoughts were wandering, and my palms were sweating. You must wonder why am I acting like this, point one, he’s hot. Point two, he’s a cook. Yes, my guess was true, a hottie who can cook, yummy. Point three, probably the most crucial part of all, I AM A GUY. Point four; he will be the FIRST guy I’d date after I came out as somebody who’s homosexual.

Not so much of a guy with balls now am I? Thought so.

……..

I am now into my 6^th month of dating Pete, the man of my dreams. I’ve found out that he buys lemons every Thursday because he made lemon squares for his grandma every Friday. Awwww, such a sweetie, I know, right? I’m so lucky. Who says being gay is taboo? I’m living my life well, with a hottie who’s an expert in the kitchen. I consider myself luckier than the ladies, if you know what I mean.