Hello there. Today I would like to let out everything that Mr. Goodlooking and I did. I think it's good that I finally want to talk about it, and let it out. I know that after this post, I won't dwell in the past anymore, because tonight is going to change everything. ;)
I didn't how we could connect and go out and have supper and his ciggie breaks. It started off with just BBMing, and it didn't stop. We would continue until late, and sleep, waking up to a new BBM message waiting to be read. It went on for a couple of weeks, until he finally asked me out, for a casual hang out. I didn't immediately say yes, because apart from BBMs and Twitter conversations, we never really spoke to each other in real life. So yeah, one day I decided to go for supper with him. He was charming enough to pick me up, but a total pain in the ass when he started teasing me during supper. I didn't mind though, it eases the awkwardness. That night when we hung out for supper, was the first time we spoke to each other, on the phone and face to face. I still remember it, still fresh, the memories.
Then all the stories came out, he asked me about his ex, I told him about mine. We shared opinions on a lot of things. We debated, we agreed, we bickered, we talked. True enough this "thing" we had, ended all too soon. But, I had foreseen it coming, so I took the matter very calmly. I freaked for a bit, then I started to miss him, but I didn't look back. Except for this one time, I was stupid or dumb, I don't know, I texted him saying that I missed him. Oh my, stupid I was. But I was glad I said it out loud. At least I know I'm not the egoistic one.
Mr Goodlooking and I lasted less than half a year, a few months, mind you, but it was one of the most emotional non-relationships I've ever had. EVER. It meant a lot to me. Still means a lot.
Anyhoo, things ended quite surprisingly fast. There's these few weeks I've been busy at work and at home, and whenever he calls me, I never seem to be available. And he made a big deal out of that, he told me I was coming up with excuses and such. And at that time, I was agitated. I didn't even want to go on. So I said, okay, I'm leaving, whatever you want. And that was it for me. I don't mind being friends with him, but anything more than that, I can't see it happen.
His text said that "I deserve someone better" and in deep honesty, I really think I do. Because whatever I did for him, seem to never be enough. I had no idea how to make him happy. We cuddled, watched a movie, and stuff like that, but I can never make him happy fully. I don't think its fair too, is what I told him. I knew it won't work, I elaborated more. And he said, "whatever we are, its not fair". Yeah, I know, stupid I was.
He once said he wants me to be his "girl". Whatever fuck that meant. I was touched, and honoured, but whenever I screwed something up unintentionally, he would go mental, I try to do whatever to please him, until I really couldn't take it, I decided. Once and for all.
I still remember asking him when we were simply watching TV;
Me: "You sayang I tak?" (Do you love me?)
Him: "Sayang la, why?" (I do, why?)
Me: "Good, because I'm gonna break your heart" *without looking at his face*
Him: *turns to face me* "huh? apa you cakap ni?" (huh? what are you talking about?)
Me: "I'm kidding la baby" *Smiles and kissed his forehead*
Him: "Mengarut je" (You're talking crap now) *calms down*
In the end, I think he broke mine (my heart), but moving on, I am relieved to break free somehow. I'm being honest to boot, really. It ended, whatever "it" was. And I'm okay with it. :)
Writing this down made me feel better, a whole lot better. But to share all the memories I shared with him, will be painful, so I just shared whatever I think is necessary. Goodbye Mr. Goodlooking, I wish you the best in life and I pray that you will find somebody that can make you truly happy. If you are getting married someday, don't hesitate to invite me. LOL