Kill me not, made me stronger

Do you know how its like when people tell you to be strong, but all you think in response is "you don't know how hard it is"? Well, lemme tell you one thing, its totally normal. I mean, whatever crap that you go through, is all on you, yeah? You're the one who's feeling helpless, hopeless, and lost. Things can be a bit too negative, yeah, but its these things that keeps you going, and these little things that made you who you are now. The heartbreaks you go through, the disappointments you deal with, the broken trusts that you brush off, it makes you stronger, probably weak at that moment in time, but sooner or later you're just going to realize how its like to feel down and depressed, and you'll end up learning from it, and knowing how to deal with it the second it happens again. Just like the saying, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. I would second that a million times over.

so,

I had the two worst months. Ever. Its epic how I fail in everything I say and do. Like a record of mishaps and massacre. but I thank Allah, for giving me the strength to go through it all, and Alhamdulillah, I made it to this far. I pray for a better tomorrow everyday. So I guess my hope is reinsured. My faith have not been bad to me too. See, everything happens for a reason. Let's just stop all this bullshit and brace myself for whatevermaycome next.

Bismillah.

Another Boring Day At The Office. Pffft.

Bold what applies to you.

My personality:
I’m loud.
I’m obnoxious.
I’m sarcastic.
I’m cocky.
I cry easily.
I have bad temper.
For the most part I don’t like people.
I’m easy to get along with.
I have more enemies than friends.
I’ve smoked.
I’ve smoked weed.
I drink coffee.
I clean my room daily.

My appearance:
I wear makeup.
I wear a piece of jewellery at all times.
I wear contacts.
I wear glasses.
I have braces.
I change my hair colour often.
I straighten my hair often.
I have a piercing.
I have small feet.

Relationships:
I’m in a relationship now.
I'm single.
I’m crushin’.
I’ve missed an ex before.
An ex has physically abused me at least once.
I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
I’ve been in love more than two times.
I believe in love at first sight.
I believe lust is more important than love.

Friendships:
I have a best friend.
I have at least ten friends.
I’ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend.
I’ve beaten up a friend.
I’ve been in a serious fight with a friend.
I can trust at least five people with my life.

Experiences:
I’ve been on a plane.
I’ve been on a train
Someone close to me has died.
I’ve taken a taxi.
I’ve taken a city bus.
I’ve taken a school bus.
I’ve gone bungee jumping.
I’ve made a speech.
I’ve been in some sort of club.
I’ve won an award.
I’ve spent 24 hours on the computer straight.
I’ve been in a physical fight.

Music:
I listen to R&B.
I listen to country.
I listen to pop.
I listen to techno.
I listen to rock.
I’m one of those people who play songs repeatedly until I hate it.
I hate the radio.
I download music.
I buy CD’s.

Television:
I spend at least six hours a day watching television.
I watch soap operas daily.
I’m in love with Days Of Our Lives.
I've seen and liked the O.C.
I've seen and liked One Tree Hill.
I've seen and liked Popular.
I've seen and liked 24.
I’ve seen and liked CSI.
I've seen and liked Everwood.

Hair:
I've been brown.
I’ve had streaks.
I’ve cut my hair in the past year.
I’ve dyed my hair in the past year.
I’ve been blonde.
I’ve had black.
I’ve been red.
I've been light brown.
I’ve been medium brown.
I’ve been blue/green.
I’ve had my hair thinned.
I use conditioner.
I’ve used silk therapy.
I’ve used hot oil treatments.
I’ve curled my hair.
I’ve straightened my hair
I’ve braided my hair.

School:
I’ve yelled at a teacher.
I’ve been suspended.
I’ve had an in-school suspension.
I’ve been sent to the principal’s office.
I’ve walked out of class.
I’ve skipped an entire day of school.
I’ve skipped a whole month of one certain class.
I’ve failed Art.
I’ve failed P.E.
I’ve failed math.
I’ve failed science.
I’ve failed another class.
A teacher has called my parents.

This gave me peace.

Everytime you feel like you cannot go on

You feel so lost

That you're so alone

All you is see is night

And darkness all around

You feel so helpless

You can’t see which way to go

Don’t despair and never lose hope

Cause Allah is always by your side.

insya'Allah

Why I have Eyebags.

This shit right here is my 3kg eyebags. T___T

Found this article here.

How to get rid of Eyebags?

• Try to avoid stress and get extra rest, especially during menstrual discomfort.
• Try eating turbanado, stevea, maple syrup, raw honey, agave nectar.
• Essential fatty acids
• Organic foods
• Flaxseed oil
• Whole grains, nuts and seeds.
• Drink plenty of warm water. Avoid ice cold and carbonated drinks.
• Avoid stimulants such as caffeine and alcohol.
• Add coconuts, raisins, papaya and sweet juicy fruits to your diet.
• Only take a moderate amount of sugar.
• Avoid red meat and heavy fried foods.

Hell to the yeah. I can't avoid stress, because I have a 9-6 job that apparently I hate. And I'm PMS-ing. I don't eat maple syrup or honey or whatever because it's simply too sweet. Fatty acids? WTH? Organic Food, people don't eat that for a reason, they're tasteless. Come on, are you kidding me? Flaxseed oil? Too lazy to find it. Whole grains takes me countless trips to the toilets. I LOVE ICE COLD DRINKS AND I HATE WARM WATER. I don't consume alcohol OR caffeine. Oh wait, Coke. Right. Sweet juicy fruits? They take me to the toilet, too. Sigh.. Sugar gets me high. Especially Lollipops. I Love red meat more than I love chicken and fish and lamb.

So, what the hell am I supposed to do now? GAH.

I'm ugly, please shoot me, I'm ugly.

Scars.

Nothing beats the pain than the suffering you’re going through. No matter how hard you try to deal with it, the deeper the scar cuts into your skin, revealing raw flesh, blood and emotions. No matter how you try to nurture it, take care of it, the more you realise that everytime you revisit the scar, the more you feel the pain, and how unsightly the image of the scar bring your painful bitter memories back. No matter how you try to ignore it, the more it reminds you of thei stinging pain of the incident that caused it, reminding you everyday how it happened and why it happened. It hurts, it will always hurt, but no one else can feel your pain but yourself. This is all on you, how you deal with your pain is entirely up to you. Even if you consult a professional, or a dear friend, the suffering that you go through is totally on you, the pain you feel is totally on you. I know I should not be too negative, but right now, I can’t deal with being hopeful and having faith, maybe in a couple of moments, days, weeks, months, years, I would be okay, who am I to say? I can just put a brave face and get the fucking on with life. This is just what I feel now. So disregard my ramblings, by the time any of you read this, I think I’ll be fine. Insya’Allah.

Here's to trying, Bismillah.

Depression

Found this article here.

Common signs and symptoms of depression

• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
• Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
• Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
• Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
• Irritability or restlessness. Feeling agitated, restless, or on edge. Your tolerance level is low; everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
• Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
• Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
• Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
• Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.

I have all of the symptoms above. Am I depressed? Why am I behaving weird lately. Why do I feel so lost? I am easily irritated now, when I sleep, I tend to wake up every hour, which is unexplainable. I have this nagging pain on my shoulders and neck. My headaches are getting worst, once in two days. I have cravings, but there's nothing to indicate I've gained weight. I lost weight, and I have been eating. WTF is wrong with me?

Counting Days

54 fucking days.

i'm dyiiingggggggggg.

lost

.....so,

I did some research on what to do after my internship program, whether to further my Masters Degree or find work experience. Frankly. I'm tired of studying. I've been in school and college for 16 years. I think its time for me to let my brain rest, and you know, work or something. But the thought of waking up early every morning just to go to the office and stare at a PC all day turns me off. I don't have much time to choose, since if I want to start working immediately, I've to start looking for a job now, and if I want to continue studying, I'd have to send out my applications by now, and if I decide I'm going overseas, I would ought to take my english requirement tests by now. Sigh. I'm so lost.

The best bet I can go for is to relax my mind, body and soul for a couple of months before I start to make any life-changing decision. I'm 23 this year, an adult. But why am I not behaving like one? I WILL take a couple of months to work freelance and go for holidays, it would be beneficial. I think.

...and I'm lost, again.

February.

I have this urge to blog about what happened two nights ago, but I don't think it would be appropriate. Its our little secret, dinosaur and I.

Moving on from that fateful night, it made me think a lot about how I'm living my life now. I think I need to mature, in ways that's so simple, you know, the kind of changes that your parents have been nagging to you about. Sigh.

Its February already. Another 3 months to go for my internship, 58 days of working underpaid, waking up in the mornings, and going out non-stop during the weekends. I hope the trip to Koh Phangan with my lovelies will happen in June/July. I really need to get away.

Come the end of February, we could have been 2 years, our relationship, but too bad, it didn't make it that far. I mean, I need some me-time, and right now, a committed relationship is just not in my options.

I spent one night crying about what happened to me in 2010. I haven't dropped a single tear ever since we had that fight in the car. It was killing me that I can't shed tears, but I forced myself to cry, and I did. I felt an immediate relief after. Its true when they say, sometimes, the tears that you held back is the one that matters the most.

I can go on bragging about what a sucky year/month/week I've had, but I won't, I did too much of that. I'm tired of it. Right now, I just want to have fun with my friends, and pamper myself. Good news is, I have achieved my goal. I'm down to 3 per day now. Huge improvement there. :)

Shit there's nothing to do today. That's why I'm crapping. Fuck. Gotta stop now. Bye.

February, be kind.