Wednesday, July 2, 2008

let me be.

dear blood relatives,

this is for you guys.

what if i wanted to fight?

what if i wanted to surrender?

what if i wanted to die?

what ifs.

i don't think my family will ever understand me.
they will never take me seriously.

I'm just someone they know.
I'm just someone they look for when they're stressed.

I'm not someone they share happy news with.
I'm not someone they look up to.

this makes me want to take out my razor again, you know?
this pain won't seem to go away, no matter how hard i try not to think about it.

sometimes i feel like i would be better off without them.

i'd rather be with my friends, who can actually talk to me about things.
who actually listen to me, and make me happy.

i always think that I'd be homesick if I'm not at home, but what's the use if you come home, after a few weeks, and your so called family greets you with screams and curses? is it worth all the wait to come home? is it worth the tiredness of the journey? after all the kick ass assignments and finals, you come back home to finally relax and have fun with your family, and they don't seem to give a shit about you?

this is basically why i want to move out of my house and find somewhere abroad to study. i don't care if they like or not. i may need a few years away from them. most probably, if i study somewhere in the US or UK,(i have my plans, insya'Allah), they'll come visit me and it won't be because of me, they'd just visit so that they can go on holidays. i could already see how they're going to treat me, then.

i know them already, after 20 years.
i just realized that they don't know me at all.
all they know is that I'm emotional. do they know that it's all because of them?
do they know that I'm getting stronger?
and every time i come back home, they flatten my strength to become a whole person?

what if i drop dead on the floor?
what if i was found suddenly hanging from the ceiling fan?
what if i was found dead in a ditch somewhere?

don't give a shit about me, please.
let me be.

please just ignore me being here.
the more you acknowledge me, the more i am hurt.

I'm sorry
i just know i'm not good enough for all of you.

sorry, sorry.
let me be.

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